A good day to everyone. Its been a while since I posted an update here so let me post a reminder.
Me: 44 W: 44 Married 13yrs, together 14 Children. SS22, S10, D9 Wife EA/PA early ’04, likely, EA current Ilubnilwu: 2/06 Bomb: 4/06 lawyers contacted but no actions taken. W still at home attending school
A quick history, our oldest the SS22 has end stage cystic fibrosis thus adding a little extra stress to our lives. W has been attending school full time for a while and will complete her associate’s degree in May. This is her third marriage, my first.
W has not worn rings since Nov. of last year, she has been threatening to purchase a bed and move into a spare bedroom for a while now, but has not done so. Has made very little effort to find a job (even though her classes are all at night now), she doesn’t sleep nearly enough and has aged very noticeably in the last year. We initially tried marriage counseling but it ended as soon as the MC suggested that W needed to be on medication. W saw a C individually for 5 or 6 sessions and quit going there too. I suspect the same thing happened. In W’s mind, SHE has been a victim of all this and does not need to make any changes. Very ironic since I have recently discovered that she had EA/PA’s in both of her previous marriages as well.
For myself, I have found an individual counselor that has helped me tremendously to understand what happened to us and how to work on breaking the cycle. I have also been attending (solo) a group program called Third Option and have learned a great deal. I now see very clearly how W plays a role as a victim (to near perfection) and I have played a role as a rescuer. In fact she has cranked up the victim persona to major levels with friends. Many of the things I have learned are similar to some of the concepts of DBing. It has taken a very long time, but finally I have been able to begin letting go understanding that I can only work to make myself better. My relationship with my two younger children has never been better. I’m working on the relationship with my oldest but it is more difficult since he is unsure of how he should be dealing with theses family issues.
For much of the early part of this I tried to hang on desperately, did many things that made the issues worse, but have reached some revelations in the last six months and am doing…..OK. I have learned the true meaning of the idea that you cannot change someone else and can only change yourself. I have often read and been told that as I change, the relationship has to change and she will respond. Unfortunately, her response has often been to move further into darkness rather than make an effort to come back. Something I guess I knew was possible but hoped would not happen. For all of you out there, I just wanted you to know that even when things like DBing seem to be going in the opposite direction from where you want it to go, you can still get better yourself. I have let go of the fear of losing my marriage. I still worry about the impact these things will have on my kids, but I know that I am now in a place to make things as easy for them as possible. My marriage situation still stinks but I am doing OK and you can too.
