Wise DB'ers please help!

[TylerDurden]

I think I posted this in the wrong forum, so maybe this is a better spot for it, sorry for the dupe!

Hi, this is my first post and I am in desperate need for some wise Dber’s. I have read DB twice and also have had 1 phone coaching session earlier this week. I guess I’m just seeking some guidance.

I am not married, but engaged to a wonderful women (or better yet was). We dated for 2 years before getting engaged, and have lived together for about 6 months. Everything was amazing up until a couple months ago. She was put out of work after a month of living together because of an injury and did not work for 6 months, the entire time she stayed at home. About a month after she got hurt she started questioning ‘us’. She didn’t know if she loved me the same way anymore or ever did. At the same time my career was taking off. Of course I was very upset, but just contributed it to her not working. I did everything wrong, begged, cried, everything. She would go back and forth telling me that she was in love with me and didn’t know what was the matter with her. I was holding on for her to start working again, and then see how she felt. She has in the past suffered from depression which she was still on medication for.

Well, in Feb she started back at work and moved out without telling me. Every time she spoke to me about it before she would always say she didn’t know what was wrong, and she wanted to stay. After she moved out she said she wanted to stay together and work towards us again, but just needed some time. We tried the separation for a couple weeks, talking every couple days, scheduling dates ect… but didn’t talk about us or the future unless she brought it up. I wish I would have read the book before this, because I was getting results I wanted during the separation. She would tell me that she loved me and hold my hand and call me just to say hi. This was when I was acting ‘As if’. Unfortunately it was very stressful to me and I gave up about 3 weeks after she moved out. We parted ways with respect and no hatred. That was about 1 month ago, and I haven’t spoken or heard from her since.

I have had time to reflect on what I did wrong in this relationship and I have found things about myself that I have missed and I’m sure she has too. There was a time when I didn’t think I would go back to her because I was happy. But now I feel like, ‘yes I can be happy without her, but I still want her as my one and only’. She is all I think about and after reading a couple books including DB, I now see faults that I did and I want to move forward with her knowing these and correcting them. After talking with a coach, she seemed to show me that the fact that she was cut out of ‘life’ outside of me could make her question us a lot more. But she also said that this situation is fixable, and that’s what I want to do. My main concern is we didn’t get to try living together after she started back at work, so she might never know how great it could have been.

The main problem is we have no assets to divide or close mutual friends who would see my 180’s. (In respect that I wouldn’t have a reason to call her friends or go out with them unless we did it as a couple.) I’m really trying to give her space, but I’m afraid that I will loose her forever unless action is taken now. My coach told me to email her. I sent her a very upbeat, light hearted email about an article I found online that she would like. Nothing heavy or relationship stuff. I ended it by ‘Talk to you soon.’ That was yesterday, and no response. I guess what should I do next? If I followed my feelings, I would run over to her apartment with a dozen roses and fall on my knees when she answer’s the door and tell her I would do the impossible for her if she let me. Or send her flowers every single day until I get some sort of communication from her. But I know that’s wrong. Also, it is her mom’s birthday next week, I’m very close to her, but haven’t talked to her since we split out of respect of her. I didn’t want to put her mom in an awkward situation. Should I send her mom a gift in the mail? For people who have worked the DB for awhile, what is my next move? Some girlfriends of mine, that are happily married have said I should hand write her a letter, telling her everything, but I don’t think that’s right. Please help, I could really use some guidance. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. \:\)

[25yearsmlc]

Dear TD,

FIrst how old are you both and what types of careers are we discussing? Second, just because you think it'll all be better if and when she goes back to work, does not make it so. If you wanted to have children with her, there's a good chance she'd stop working for a bit and if this is how she handles it, you're asking for trouble. She will have career setbacks, it's called life. If this throws her off so much and IF there really were not serious problems with her and or the R, then losing a job should not be such a horrible blow to her. We ALL have setbacks like that in life. For God's sake, you don't even have a mortgage or children and THIS sends her over the edge? What is it you want/need from this R? Have you had others in your life? Has she? What was her parents M like? yours?

Second, a month apart is not enough time to truly change or believe she has. Getting back together before insights/changes is a surefire way to end things permanently. To truly reconcile, you both have to want to, and you both have to see your roles in the R/s problems, be willing to change those behaviors, AND forgive each other. That does not happen in one month. I'd know. I've been apart from H nearly 21 months now and we are reconciling. But even now it is easy to backslide. We have 3 kids and over 25 years of marriage.

I recommend you do the following, as per my DB coach's ideas (and I think they are great, btw). IF you do have contact, listen like a lover/friend. No arguing or challenging her choices, b/c that will force her to defend her choices. She needs the space and time to figure many things out, including how much of her identity is wrapped up in her career. Careers change too. My H is in his 2nd career (physician, and a LOT of his identity is wrapped up in that) and I am in my 2nd career and money issues came up for us that I never expected. Do either of you have problems with money? Saving/agreeing/hiding it from each other?

Finally, has she tested you in the past? Did you sweep her off her feet originally? Why did you move in together? Is it possible she needs reassurance of your devotion and love? Do either of you have trust issues? I don't get the feeling that she is unsure of your love, I mean I doubt it, from what you say here. But I have to ask. Need more info about her and your R and how you interacted and much more about the work you both do. Any M plans originally?

good luck and keep posting and getting the db coaching if you can.
j-

[TylerDurden]

I’m 28 and she is 27. I am a trader at a hedge fund, which can be very stressful and I did bring that home in the past. She is a flight attendant and travels usually 3 days a week, but was talking about switching to something that requires zero travel before the accident. We were both very excited since there would be no more nights alone. Before she got hurt we were talking about getting married in the spring of 08 and were both very excited about it. In fact, she would leave cutouts under my pillow with things that she liked and wanted in our wedding, it was meant so much to me. I do realize that she would have stopped working to have kids, we both agreed that we would want somebody home with them full time. I think part of the problem was it was such an abrupt ending to her day to day schedule. I should say that I do have a mortgage, in fact I have two (condo & summer house). I grew up with the mentality that if you wanted something you have to go get it, where she was more of a free spirit. What I want from this relationship is a best friend/lover I can talk to about anything and can’t wait to just be with them. I believe she wants the same in return, and we showed each other that for a long time. We have both had other serious relationships that have lasted longer than ours, but we both agree this one is different. Much more loving and respectful than our pervious. Both of our parents have been M for 30+ years and have always been loving and supportive for both of us.

The problem is now, we really don’t have contact, that’s why I emailed her to open the door of communication. I have no intention to challenge her on anything, I see that she needed to do this, and more importantly I had to realize what I needed to change.

She has tested me in the past, but I have always stuck by her and supported her through it. I guess this time it was different because we were living together so I felt like I didn’t have to support her as much, which was a major mistake. And yes I did sweep her off her feet, and she did me. I’m usually very confident, but with her I could barely even form a sentence with her for about a month because I was so nervous, let alone sleep at night because she is all I thought about, and all I think about now. We moved in together, because that was the next step. I also had bought my condo and wanted her to move in when I did, so she didn’t feel like an outsider moving into my place later on. I know that she doesn’t doubt my love for her, but I do think she needs reassurance which I probably didn’t give the when she needed it the most. I wish I could show that to her now, but I don’t want to push her away any more. I hope this wasn’t too sporadic and makes some sense. Again I really do appreciate your help and insight.

[Heywyre]

My take on it is that she is feeling a little insecure that the "dream" of you two together has been shattered because of her injury and perhaps she feels like a burden to you and doesn't want to ruin your life

I only say this because I fell into the same trap about 4 years ago when my H and I were in a major car accident. He was not injured as badly as I was and I had to take quite a bit of time off and I still cannot work fulltime. It has taken a toll (to say the least) on our R/M and was (I am sure) just another straw in the pile we were already dealing with

Be gentle with her. Perhaps if she responds to your email you can suggest getting together for coffee or just a light lunch - nothing formal, nothing serious, nothing too lengthy and then you can take it from there.

[TylerDurden]

Thanks for your help Heywyre, it helps to hear it from someone who has been in a similar situation. I will pray for you and your H to give you continued strength through the healing process. I agree about her thinking she is a burnden, infact she has said just that while she was injured. What should I do, I told her that in no way she is. Is there anything I can do to show her this?

[Heywyre]

It is a very difficult time for her, I know because I am still going through it some 4 years later. The low self esteem stems from achieving so much and then, boom! it is over. I have always been very independent (as I am sure she is/was) and the thought of going from earning more than my H to being someone who needed taken care of, and me not being able to contribute financially, just devastated me. I don't really know her, you would know better than I what she needs to build her self esteem. But whatever you do, it will have to be slowly and very gently otherwise you will just push her away even more.

What is she doing now work wise, do you know? Where is she living, how is she taking care of herself - these are all things that might give you a clue as to how you could help

Like I said, you will have to be careful. It might be something as simple as knowing where and when she does her groceries and just "bumping into her" and saying "can I give you a hand with those groceries" - this is just a kind gesture and not something she might take as "I can't do it on my own so he figures he has to help"

She has lost her identity, which was obviously her work, now she has to rebuild who she was/is - it takes time and a lot of patience

[TylerDurden]

Thanks for the responses Heywyre, I should say she is back at work now. She started back a couple weeks before she moved out, but nothing too much, maybe 5 days total. We live in a large city, so its hard for me to 'bump into her', otherwise I would. I was thinking about two ways to reach out to her if she doesn't respond to my email in a week. 1. Send her some flowers (not roses or anything romantic), with a card saying something like, 'I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most, I'm here now.' 2. Order her some groceries online and have them delivered to her apartment, since I know money for her now is tight. But I also don't want to come across as controlling. I just feel so hopeless now, I wish I could help her.

[Heywyre]

Helping her is great but you have to be careful about what you do because it can also come across as "here, let me take care of you because you aren't capable of doing it yourself"

Forget the buying the groceries, that would definitely indicate "you poor soul, you can't afford groceries without me buying them" - as much as it is a wonderful gesture, I as a woman, would be totally embarassed if someone did that to me, regardless of our past relationship. So holdoff on the groceries

Sending the flowers - well maybe. But, once again, no apologies - it sounds too desperate and controlling

How about a very simple flower arrangement (definitely not roses like you said) but a card saying something light like "thinking of you and missing our conversations together" - that might encourage her to call to at least say "thanks" and then you can take the "wanna go out for coffee" as the next step

[TylerDurden]

Wow, thats a great idea! I def want to get the lines of communication opened back up without coming across as desperate or needy. Thank you very much. I will keep you posted.

[TylerDurden]

How long should I wait for a response to my email? I know she has probably read it, because she used to check it everyday. I guess I am just having some anxiety about the situation in general. Any suggestions for this?