H called at 11 pm last night, wanted to know if I was going to come home to talk. I said no.
This stand is new for me, but I've realized that I cannot be alone with him. It took me ten years to see it, but he has a way of laughing at my feelings and thoughts, minimizing them, and keeping everything on his terms. "You want me to look for a new job and go to counseling? I don't think so baby. That won't work for me. You'll just have to deal with what I've done--forgive and accept me for who I am."
Excuse me? I'm no longer willing to be in a pretend marriage where I am required to accept daily interaction and "friendship" with OW, accept that he's "working on it" (has been for three years now, and NOTHING is different until the last week when I finally made my stand), to accept that no deep or lasting changes are on the horizon. Actually, I need to say that he did talk about making some big changes in his email yesterday...but he's very skilled at telling me what I want to hear, so I have to see some action before I can believe.
In the process of my prior acceptance, I have sat quietly by, defending his actions to myself and our loved ones. I can't anymore.
The ironic thing is that I already have forgiven him for the past. But I cannot subject myself to more of the same treatment. I'm worth more than that.
