Why do you have to change yourself? Marriage is all about change because you are seeking oneness. If seeking oneness is not your goal, then marriage would have no meaning. You could just be roomates or companions.
You mention communication and how that could help you marriage. This is true, it definitely helps. But you also have to realize that communication is a FEMALE need, it is not a need of most men. So when you say that the FIRST thing that you and your husband should do is COMMUNICATE, what you are saying is that the first thing you should do is meet YOUR need of communication. Commuication is going to do very little in filling HIS love bank, it will definitely fill yours. And what is he going to tell you that you already don't know? You know that he wants your desire, what more would he communicate?
You say "Not by just changing oneself to accomodate the other." Once men get married, that is ALL that we do. Think of it this way: Man and woman get married and they BOTH want sex everyday, they are compatible. 10 years later, he wants sex 3-5 times a week, she wants sex once in a blue moon. Now if they can not change to accomodate each other, then what should the man do? His ONLY choice at this point is to CHEAT on her. So you can see, marriage is ALL about trying to accomodate the other, if not marriage is effectively impossible.
did you read the 5ll and did it get your marriage back on track?
I never read the book, but I got the idea. The LL's are physical touch, word of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service and quality time, as I recall. You're suposed to work with your spouse to figure out in which way he feels loved, and provide that need, rather than give the one that comes most easily to you. In a good relationship, all of these LL's are going on at the same time and are not so out of balance.
I think this book would have been helpful for my marriage before we were in crisis. At the point I came to this board, there wasn't a lot of good will for my H to work with me in this manner. He was pretty much locked into the position that the problem was with me, and I had to break through a lot of defenses.
I think communication is a need of everyone (I know it is a major need for me) whether we realize it or not. Are you telling me that a real heart-to-heart conversation about your life together, or a fun, playful chat using double entendres (sp?) and such wouldn't fill your love bank? Sure, you have other needs too, but the above would make me feel really loved.
I know where are coming from CeMar. BELIEVE me I do. But I don't think you would be happy if ALL your W did was just fcuk your brains out with glazed-eyed desire all the time. There is so much more to love. Its just our male bodies are wired for constant sex so when it is absent, we tend to forget about everything else. BTDT, still doing it.
Quote:
His ONLY choice at this point is to CHEAT on her.
Or D.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Good point, Chrome. It's hard to think clearly when you are being constantly met with rejection and that physical need is not being met. An outright sexfest seems like the cure.
CeMar, you have GOT to be kidding!!! Mr. "Good Christian Man" who doesn't believe divorce is an option for himself says to another woman her husband's ONLY choice is to cheat on her? No, he has choices that don't include infidelity. Such as, marriage counseling, communication, separation, and yes divorce (you don't know that's not an option for him). Cheating is the cowards way of avoiding doing the work it takes to FIX the marriage in my opinion.
Good point, Chrome. It's hard to think clearly when you are being constantly met with rejection and that physical need is not being met. An outright sexfest seems like the cure.
This is precisely where I and many of the men on this board and some of the women are, and what really keeps us stuck. I know for me it is a constant battle between the chemicals that say NOW!!! and the logic that says "kind-hearted patience and dedication will win in the end." An outright sexfest would go a long way. When my W had her brief explosion almost a year ago, after about 2-3 days of that, suddenly everything seemed so easily solvable. But then it stopped, and unfortunately that juxtaposed with seeing OW again.
I've gone back and read over NOPkins old posts, and even that guy, who seems like now he could take a shotgun blast to the face and it wouldn't faze him, was pouring out anguish all over the board. Even started one post with something like "don't read this if you want to be happy" or something like that.
Us stuck guys just need to get where he and BF and csw got, but while they had it before the bad times, I've never had it. Nothing like trying to learn how to fire a gun after you've been dumped in the trenches. Of course, whining about it doesn't do me any good either, except that whining here helps me not to whine at home.
Chrome ... who seconds the motion for an outright sexfest for everyone on this board with their respective SOs
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You missed the point. What I am pointing out is the fact that accomodaton IS NECESSARY. LD woman wants little sex and will not accomodate. HD man wants much more sex and will not accomodate. If neither can accomodate, then either he has to cheat or divorce. If he accepts far less sex, HE IS CHANGING TO ACCOMODATE, which runner says should not happen.
I agree with everything you say to do GEL. But almost every course of action they can take, REQUIRES CHANGING TO ACCOMODATE THE OTHER SPOUSE. Marriage is nothing BUT changing to accomodate another person (that is why marriage is so freaking hard).
I love communication like that. The problem is that it often dissappears in SSM's like mine (as Michelle writes). But Verbal commuication is only 15% of all commuication. Non-verbal communication is the majority. ND spouses tend to not realize that most(if not all) of the non-verbal commuication they are putting out is NEGATIVE to the other spouse. And this may not be intentioanl, it is that they just are very uncomfortable with commuication that is physical in nature. I think this is closely related to their feeling of being overwhelmed bye the other person.
