W at Home, Yet Sleeps Elsewhere

[BeingMe]

I wonder if you should even ask her to the religious function in Boston, CL? Why put her in a position where you want her to say no? Do you think she may be offended if you didn't, at least, ask her if she would like to attend? Not asking may be a way of showing her that you are moving on with your life, unless you don't want to give that impression.

It is really good that you are able to say no to some of her invitations. It shows that you are your own person, and will react according to your own timeline.

As to temperaments ... personally, I think we go with who fits ours the best - whether it be opposite or similar. Some people who have very outgoing personalities, need a more introverted person to temper theirs.

Do you think your W is involved with someone who is more temperamental, and is possibly comparing you to him, and is trying to convince herself of the rightness of her choice? Just a thought.

Take care, and keep up attitude of perseverence, and patience.

[Matilda2]

Re. the trip to Boston.....you mentioned that you two do travel well together. Would there be any advantage to going together?
Would a change of scenery be a help to your relationship?
Matilda

[Concerned_Listener]

Matilda and Being,
I have to be careful here. I think making a unilateral decision could impose some harm in the R. She has asked me if I want her to go. My response has been if she wants to go.

She wants to take a trip to Puerto Rico for a dance convention, which is not in our budget. I told her that maybe only one of us should go to Boston, to save money, for her trip. I am showing ambivalence about the Puerto Rico trip for different reasons.

I also have to make a decision as to whether or not to attend her neices piano recital in two weeks. I think she's expecting me to go. This has been one of our family rituals over the years. If I were not to go, it would "raise her eyebrows", and possibly start a negative trend.

I'm not in a situation where I can do a pure LRT. She wants to maintain some connection with me, even though she sleeps elsewhere. I don't think her connecting is entirely guilt-related. I think she likes spending time with me, and finds my presence calming and supportive.

I continue to make these invitation decisions based on my ability to be present and positve during those events. It's not about "moving-on", but choosing the appropriate amount of distance vs. connection that is best for me and the R at this time.

I'm getting "cold" feet about the party this weekend. My plan is to spend about an hour there, and see how I'm doing at making connections. I think not going would be a mistake.

I found a good article on the dynamics of infidelity on infidelity.resources.com. It's by Shirley Glass, and appeared in Psychology Today, in the mid-90's. I'll be sharing what I've learned in future posts.

It helped to broaden my perspective, in viewing the infidelity as not simply being a result of the failures of the LBS. It's more complicated than that. The author states that one problem is the WAS believes that he/she isn't receiving enough from the M, but the problem is that they ARE NOT GIVING ENOUGH TO THE M. They simply want the M to make them happy. How's that for "food for thought?"

CL

[BeingMe]

The author states that one problem is the WAS believes that he/she isn't receiving enough from the M, but the problem is that they ARE NOT GIVING ENOUGH TO THE M. They simply want the M to make them happy. How's that for "food for thought?"

This used to be my attitude, but no longer. I always thought that if it was meant to be, then things would work out, and we would be happy. Never realising that you have to put something into the bank, in order to draw from it.

I admire your careful consideration of each step you take. It takes courage, persistence, patience, and insight, especially considering that she is sleeping elsewhere, and does not acknowledge you in a social setting. I'm afraid I would've lost it a long time ago. Keep up the good work.

[Concerned_Listener]

Being,
Thanks for the affirmation. I'm bound and determined to grow from this, and do everything I can to stand for this M. My plan is to review this stance after one year (11/07).

The infidelity article I read by Shirley Glass, helped me to begin some preliminary planning for if and when we make it to Piecing. I would want to have a conversation with my W at some point, about what she learned about what she needs to do be happy.

Glass believes that an A allows the WAS to express a side of themselves that has been dormant (of course there are more constructive ways to discover this). Sex is not the primary motive for women to have an A. The WAS believes that the M (true or not) cannot provide this experience for her, or she doesn't know how to create this experience for herself. Either the H (in my case) has to be flexible enough to allow the R to provide this, and/or the WAS has to take responsibility for herself (in my W's case) in meeting needs, that a R can't provide. The WAS needs to develop realistic expectations of what a M can provide.

This is a positive way for the LBS to frame the M so that constructive discussion can occur around this issue. The question to be discussed is, what needs to occur for you to be happy? Growth would occur if the lessons of the A are incorporated into the M. The tragedy would be if the WAS continues to expect others to provide happiness for them and fails to do the work of personal growth.

My W and I had a friendly chat about her return to my Friday night dance venue. She wants me to be more assertive about asking her to dance. How about that?

CL

[slowly]

Hello CL - It must be quite a surprise for her, the fact that you are not accepting every one of her invitations. Has there been any change in her actions since you started this new strategy?

I like this 180 because you are genuinely looking at whether you will be happy with your decision, based on whether or not you feel you will be 'present'. Somewhere along the way, we start making choices that are right for us as individuals as well as the R. You may need to apply the same for her neices' piano recital, regardless of what the 'expectation' is. Would you be happy there, and therefore be a good companion to be with?

Slowly

[Matilda2]

I am gaining a lot from your thread. Thank you, CL.
Matilda

[Concerned_Listener]

Slowly and Friends,
Thanks for the validation regarding how I'm approaching the invitation decision-making process. I'm going to probably propose to W that it is best if I go to Boston solo this trip. I would assume that straightforward honesty about my decision would not be helpful. Actions will speak louder than words.

I'll wait and see regarding the piano recital trip. I would want some kind of hint that my presence is desired, versus I'm fulfilling some kind of obligation.

I continue to read infidelity articles on the internet, and "Surrendering to Marriage" by Iris Krasnow. I can see that D is an option of dignity for the LBS. I'm not sure that the LBS should stay in a M under any circumstances. I can't see staying in an arrangement that isn't mutually agreed upon--W using the home as a place to sleep and monitor her social life, without regard to how it impacts the LBS.

It seems that at some point the WAS has to show some commitment to working on the M. There has to be honesty about what happened. Every detail doesn't have to be revealed, but at least the basics of what happened has to be disclosed. The LBS has to be willing to hold the WAS accountable at some point.

Glass supports the LBS leaving a M, when after a period of time, there is no movement in the M. I am about six months into the Suspect an OP phase, and wonder at what point I should start uttering the D word to my W? I know that is a personal decision.

It's difficult to know what is a reasonable period-of-time to hang-in-there, before it becomes a matter of your being taken advantage of, and letting someone else determine some of your lifestyle choices.

I hope things become more clear in time. I've stated a one year waiting period, but six more months of this seems very long. I wonder if there are positives in my situation, that I'm not seeing? It looks to me that my W and I are walking the path to D.

CL

[believing_isaiah43]

CL, I can see from following your thread(s) for a while that you have made much effort -in thought and deed- during this time and your W has not, for a long time.

I continue to be amazed at your ability to pull a positive outlook from what looks just flat-out disrespectful and mean on her part. Not that you are Wrong. You are Strong. And, as we always say here, only YOU can decide when you have reached the end of being treated poorly.

Were I in your shoes, my flailing emotions would have changed the locks already. I do think you need more boundaries in place that demand respect, but I honestly don't know what you can do with a, really at the core, disrespectful W. Disrepectful to you, to your M, and ultimately herself.

You have to be prepared for her to disrespect and not comply with any boundary you want to enforce (i.e. sleeping in your HOUSE, for God's sake, not elsewhere). Again, this goes for any Ultimatum you decide to set forth as well. Be sure you are fully prepared for her to call you on it, and for you to have to Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is. I imagine that is why you have waited and persevered so long, in the face of so little progress and so much limbo. Only YOU can decide when you are ready to draw the line in the sand of Come With Me, or Don't.

Hope this makes sense. I imagine you know all of this anyway, just wanted to show some support for you. Your W infuriates me (as do most WAS) and I am biased toward all of us getting what we deserve in a committed M. So I tend to get a little uppity and irritated.

[BeingMe]

I wonder how she'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were the one occasionally sleeping at home, and sometimes somewhere else? Then, not acknowledging her presence at social functions?

I doubt if she would tolerate it, but then you seem to have a stronger moral compass, so it is what it is. I agree that your W is being disrespectful of you, the M, and herself, but she obviously doesn't see it that way. From my perspective, I think she sees it as her asserting her independence. Only you will know how long to persevere. I lasted about 9 months before I asked for a D, but it never got that far, ultimately. But, my H acted in a completely different way, so there really is no comparison.

Take care, CL.