Okay... I'm back to finish the story. The saga continues...

Thanks for your advice and thoughts, Penny. It's so good to have my "partner in crime..."

1210, I'm not exactly sure what I feel when the despair hits... Hmm... a trigger... I think I just feel a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, feeling like I just can't take this anymore and if I just TAKE ACTION and say or do the right thing, everything will be all right. I am a very impulsive person. In some aspects of life, this can be a good thing. In this particular aspect of my life, this is not a good thing... I see H sometimes, get flooded with emotions - feeling scared, angry, hurt, betrayed, wanting him back, wanting me life back, hating that we're going through this, hating my life right now, yada, yada, yada... Then I just GO... I think in my mind "you shouldn't be doing this..." as I run to him and spew at the mouth things I know I'm going to regret. I guess the triggers are just all of the intense emotions that overwhelm me sometimes. I just start panicking and going from one emotion to the next and letting them snowball and overwhelm me, and then I get impulsive and feel the need to DO OR SAY SOMETHING to try and fix it and feel better, and it rarely works...

So, to continue with the saga...

So, yes, my main focus/fear right now is that of losing my M, of the commitment I made to this man and to myself, to God, to our families and friends. I hate quitting; I hate giving up. And I want to fight for our M. Do I feel this intense set of emotions for this man in that he walks on water? Um, no. Do I think I can feel that way and do I want to feel that way? Yes. I have to believe that it's only natural when you've drifted apart as much as we had romantically before this even happened, and then to have THIS happen on top of that, that it's only normal to not feel close to your partner in that way. How could you?

My goal is to have BOTH of us genuinely make the commitment to save our M and make it something magical. My H is a wonderful man - what he has done and is doing now is not loving and it hurts more than anything, but he is a wonderful person, and I want to be with him. I want to find true love with him again. I don't think it's possible to feel that for him right now, but I pray then if we both make the commitment to make this work and make it better that I will feel that way and that I'll look back on this whole mess and know that it happened because we had lost our way... Does that make sense?

Okay, so that's part of what I thought about in my "think tank" time. That is what the counselor asked me to ponder, whether it is H that I want or that I just don't want to lose my M. It is both, but they aren't really related right now. I DO want H, but not as he/we are now or have been in the more recent past. I want to find something magical between us, and that is going to take time and a lot of work and dedication on both of our parts.

So, the other thing I thought about was this backsliding that I do. When does it happen? Why do I do it? Why am I driving myself crazy with doing the wrong things?

So, let's go through this:

1.) I get to the office every morning, and my heart pounds as I round the corner wondering whether I'm going to see his car there.

2.) I get in to the office, immediately look at his desk, and my heart pounds with hurt.

3.) I usually look in the closet behind his office to see if he's moved anything or taken anything, etc.

4.) I go upstairs to my office and immediately look at the bed to see if it's been messed up.

5.) If it IS messed up, I immediately think about what he was wearing the day before so that when I see him that day I can tell whether he actually stayed at the office or not by seeing if he has different clothes on or not - and then I wonder whether maybe he has spare clothes in his car and still could have stayed at the office regardless of what he is wearing.

6.) If the bed is NOT messed up, then I get a pang of hurt knowing that he stayed the night with OW.

7.) H eventually arrives at some point during the day, at which point he always comes in to the office and never says a word to me. My heart pangs again.

8.) I go down to see H and immediately start "examining him" to see what he's wearing, whether it looks like he took a shower and washed his hair, whether he has shaved, etc., etc. (How sad is THIS: I want to vomit every time he DOES hug me because I can smell how his clothes smell like HER house or HER detergent - I can distinctly smell that he smells different... And that hurts...)

9.) I go back up to my office and look out the window every 10 minutes to see if H's car is still there or whether he has once again left without saying anything to me.

10.) If he HAS left without saying anything to me, my heart pounds again.

11.) If he has NOT left yet, I feel comforted for a moment, only to find that the next moment I'm thinking about whether he's left yet again.

12.) He usually comes back to the office later in the evening to work for a while. So I work while he's there, constantly thinking about whether he is going to leave soon to go to OW's house.

13.) And he eventually does leave without saying goodbye, and my heart pounds yet again.

14.) And then I drive home with a pounding heart and can't sleep and start the next day all over again with the same reactions to everything.

Okay - SO HOW IN THE HECK am I supposed to make myself feel better when I keep putting myself through this day after day after day? I'm killing myself by putting myself through this. I keep telling myself that I'm not going to do most/all of the above things, that I'm just going to go to the office and work really hard and focus and get so much accomplished, and then either all of the above happens or at least some portion(s) of it. I'm putting myself through heck every day, and I'm reacting to my pain when I tackle him with my insecurities and questions and desperation. I see him and I just want to fall apart.

So, I realized, yet again, that I've just got to get myself out of that situation - not forever, but just for now. It's the healthy thing to do for myself since I'm doing the above things and having such a hard time letting them go. I need the distance from him right now. The more I see him, the more I freak out and do the wrong things. The more I'm in an environment where he could come and go at any time and I'm always thinking about that, the more I'm sabotaging my sanity and my chances at doing what I need to do to save my M.

Worse yet, I've finally again heard the words that I've longed so much to hear from H, that he wants to save our M again. Do I know whether to believe him? No. But he's told me for a few days now when I've repeatedly asked, and that's better than a month ago when he told me he didn't want to be married to me. So, WHY the heck am I now falling apart again? I've finally made some progress hopefully by being away from him and distancing myself, and now I'm ruining it!!!! What am I doing? He says he wants to give us a chance, so I freak out and get anxious and want it to be NOW... And then I do things that push him away again...

Now, the thought of moving my office back home scares the heck out of me. As I think Lin said, I'm now thinking, "Okay, what if H decides he LIKES not having me around?" "What if H brings OW to the office because he knows I'm not there?" "What if I do this and it just pushes him away?"

Oh, yes, devil's advocate I play with my mind. Then I remember Vegas, how it was so incredibly hard but yet so much easier to be away from him - how strong I was. I still can't believe I went all by myself and didn't talk to him "live" one time while I was gone and didn't end up seeing him for a week and a half... Where did I find that strength? I found it because I was out of his space, OUR space, away from him I think.

So, I drove back to my office tonight and called the moving company and scheduled my move back to our house for next Monday morning at 8am. I felt empowered and strong after I made the call, and now I feel sick to my stomach... I'm scared. I'm hurt. I don't want to lose H. I want to save my M. So, at this point, because of everything I've mentioned above, moving my office home seems the best thing to do right now to help my cause.

I can only pray that by me not being around anymore he will continue to "come around" and miss me and that his feelings he proclaims of wanting to save our M will strengthen and he will continue with his own journey. I can also only pray that this move will help ME to find the strength to continue my own journey, without torturing myself every day, day in and day out.

I'm so scared... The tears are starting now, so I better run before I get all upset.

Monday is the start of a new day, a new week, a new me, a new H, and hopefully the start of the beginning of saving my M...