The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

It is not only my H's history, but mine too. I think you are right in one regard ... he has not learned from the A. He wrote the OW a letter basically telling her that he couldn't do this to his family anymore, and that it was over between them. There was no "I love my wife", so I feel he didn't come back for me, specifically, but for the family as a whole. He doesn't like discussing the A, and has only said that he was confused, that she made him feel good, that he had gone crazy, but now he's back and is sorry for the pain he caused. All good and well, but he has not done anything to rectify that pain, and restore my faith and trust in him. There has been no wrestling with the problems the A caused, no awakening that I am aware of, or any major epiphanies.

I don't think he fears losing me, because I have never left. My fault. He 'weathers the storm', and does 'damage control', and usually comes out of it unchanged, and unwilling to change. I am not perfect, by any means, but this A has really awakened my awareness of where I could've done better as a wife (and even as a mother), and forced me to face my own inner fears and demons, and I have truly tried to change. At other times, I would've glossed over my mistakes, and not changed one bit, and definitely would not have said sorry - I, of course, was always 'right', and I was also a fool. I have profusely apologized to my H for my part in all of this. I know that I have done a lot of work on myself this time. I am ashamed of my part in the disconnection in my M that caused my H to feel he needed to go outside of the M to find emotional fulfilment.

'Eh! Enough of my problems. I know I have some major decisions to make, and I am going to spend the next week really thinking about what to do, and how to get my H to see how serious I am.

Thanks again, CL, for your input and feedback - you have given me a lot to think about. I am sorry that you had to read through my long, painful, saga. Sometimes, I feel I am living someone else's life, because I did push a lot of stuff down, and numbed myself to the pain, and this A really, really forced me to face a lot of issues I thought I had dealt with, but really hadn't.

So, I am thankful to the A for that, if for nothing else.