...when life hands us lemons or whether we "create them" for ourselves, we can ALWAYS make lemonade...
Tell us what happened today...be specific...I'm sure there is something salvageable...
It's my opinion, that you fight yourself, you know you want him back (the desparate mode - fear of being alone, relying on your- self) and NOT wanting him back (he cheated, his selfishness makes you look at your issues, you don't trust him, you really don't like him much).
This vascillation between the two causes the confusion. You are spinning - going nowhere...
Try this...keep away from him, as much as you can...think, by yourself...what makes you happy, feel good about yourself? DO NOT SAY HIM, BEING MARRIED TO HIM...NOTHING ABOUT HIM.
How do or will you go about creating your happiness?
You see, he's not in your life now, you are alone...where you need to be - to regroup. You, seem to feel, if he just comes home...all will be alright. It won't...the work will be just starting...
By pursuing him, making the same mistakes over and over, you are subconsciously determined to kill the marriage off...your mind knows that he is wrong...but, the other half stays afloat in the hopes that he will come back. It's the child syndrome...crying for something you cannot immdiately get...then, wanting to really destroy it because you can't get it by your ways.
I'll go out on a stretch here - it's not love Tam...it's fear of loosing...your fear far outweighs the love for him. Love listens to each other, it waits patiently, it doesn't control, it allows each other their personal freedom, their thoughts whether agreed to or not, without pushing your needs on each other, nor to be ignoring other's needs.
You need to be alone now....just don't beat yourself up. You need to get angry...purge those feelings...let him go...save you first...that's the only thing you have right now...YOU...take VERY good care of...YOU.
Hi TimTam (do you have those yummy biscuits called Tim Tams - or is that a uniquely Australian delicacy???)
Oh you poor possum. Girlfriend, I could tell you stories that would have your hair stand on end about some of the backsliding adventures I had. I group my backsliding stories into categories - there was the 'Drinking and Dialling' preiod where every second night or so I'd drink too much wine and then call him. Sometimes I'd speak to him (goodness only knows what I said), sometimes, even more humiliatingly I'd call and when he'd answer I'd hangup - and just for fun I'd do that 2, or was it 20, times ..... oh I cringe. I don't know what I thought he was going to do. Like he might say "OK, now that you've interupted me for the 10th time tonight, and this is the 7th night in a row, I've realised that I love you and I'm going to come home to you and we'll pretend none of this ever happened." Sure!
Then there was the 'Just take me back I'll do anything for you' period which culminated in me on the floor, holding on to one of his legs as he tried to escape out the front door of our house - yes, you can imagine!!!
So when I started applying the DB principles, and thought I could strategise with them, I moved on to the very sophisticated 'I"ll pretend I have a boyfriend to make him jealous' period - which backfired big time, when the boy I was pretending was my boyfriend, didn't realise I was pretending. Hubby was jealous, but so what? It made no real difference. Except to illustrate to me that I really had to start at the beginning and ask myself the hard questions about why I wanted to be in my marriage - or indeed in any relationship.
I guess you are also going through the horrible part where you start to know what you don't know. First of all you are questioning yourself about your relationship - like 'how could I have missed all this?' 'can I believe anything about him/us'. I remember thinking that all my adult life I had sincerely, but blindly believed and trusted every word to come out of my husband's mouth.
In hindsight, it was very niave, but I was so in "love' with him that I put him on a pedestal that made him a complete and trusted rock. when I started hearing him mislead me, or say things that I knew he was saying just to shut me up (and you can tell when they are doing that) I was gutted.
Are you at that stage yet?
I also know the feeling of just wanting it to all be over. I remember just standing in my office one day thinking how the hell can I be expected to go through this and also thinking, 'how in the world do so many people get divorced if it's this bad'. I agree it is the WORST thing I've ever been through.
Thing is though that you've been sent this for a reason. I don't know what the reason is and I dont' know what it is you're supposed to learn. I do honestly believe though that there is a reason.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We all stuff up and backslide. Sure, some more than others - but so what? We are all different and we all accept different levels of stress and distress in our lives.
Keep at it. Remember it can only get better from here, because it sure as billyo can't get any worse!!! Yes.
Lots of love
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
After I posted, I read imLins post and thought to myself - well, there you have it, that's the reason I'm divorced and she's not. I waited too long to really 'get' it and 'live' it and hence too much damage was done.
I've been thinking about it ever since though and I don't think it's as simple as that. My H did eventually want to reconcile, after I'd been DBing for about 12 months (I could have made that quicker if I'd played by the rules without all my tragic backsliding!!!), but I decided I didn't want to be with him.
I had enough space and had done enough work to realise that the world didn't begin and end with him. I am OK on my own and in fact if he had been one of my girlfriends partners, I would have had strong views about the way he behaved, how he treated her/me, what level of trust there would be in the relationship for the future - but mostly I had done a heap of growing and learning and he hadn't done anything. He was still the messed up, need to be in a relationship, any-relationship-will-do, man he was when it all started.
I so didn't respect that.
I don't want to be with a man who is an emotional cripple, because I'm not anymore. I decided that as much as I adore him, I've left him way behind. He didn't have the guts to talk truthfully about where he was at before, and he wouldn't in the future. He didn't have the self respect to make decisions based on what was right - he wanted what was easy - I want right.
To cut a long ramble short though - the bottom line is, in my experience backsliding doesn't make it hopeless - it just makes it longer.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
As always, thanks, guys. Don't have much time to write right now but wanted to check in real quick to tell you a few things...
First off, 1210, my "mess-up's" for today are as follows:
1.) Ask him YET AGAIN at the job site if we can "talk." Then ask him if everything is still okay and if he's coming home soon, why did he change his mind that he now wants the M when he said he didn't before, when is he coming home, will he come home and just sleep in the other room for a while and we'll take things slow, yada, yada, yada. Asked for a few hugs. Chased him out the door to his truck. Asked for another hug and asked him if he was angry at me. Asked if we could go out to dinner tonight... Oh, Lordie....
2.) He gets up to the office, and I attack him again, this time asking if he wants to sell our home (he said it was hard to be home right now) so that we could start fresh somewhere new. Told him I was worried that he was going to procrastinate on getting this done. Asked him if he would please take care of this soon, yada, yada, yada. Luckily, I had an appointment that showed up that busted up that wonderful conversation.
3.) Went to the post office this evening, and I see what I believe to be OW's car in the parking lot there. You see, I've developed this horrible habit now of every time I see a white car of any type, I glance at the license plate to see if it's hers. Silly, huh? So, per my usual habit, I glance at this white car's license plate, and it's hers! (I think.) Panic hits, and freakshow emerges. I speed out of the parking lot, as I DO NOT want to see this woman. I met her once back in about September or so and vaguely remember what she looks like. I remember thinking that she was pretty at the time. H introduced me to her... I think they were probably talking then but don't think the A had started yet - don't think he would have had the nerve to introduce me to her if that was the case.
4.) Call H just to hear his voice because I'm freaked out. He doesn't answer, so I leave a message about some bogus business thing I need to talk to him about as I'm driving frantically to a post office on the other side of town... H calls back and we talk about the business item and I ask if he wants to go to dinner. He says he's going to keep working on what he's doing and will probably just grab something on the road... We get off the phone.
Yes, that's how wonderful I've done today. Can you say shoot myself in the foot???? WTH am I doing? It's been a bad day of backsliding; that's for sure. And I can sense that H is about ready to tackle me...
So, I drove around for a while after going to the post office and then decided to take Lin's advice of really thinking about this for a while. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, but I just wanted to think. So I went to a parking lot that overlooks the ocean - one of my favorite "think places." And I sat there in the rain by myself in the car for about a half hour and just reflected on this whole thing.
1210, you are right on the money in that I don't want to lost my M. It's the fear of loss right now and of giving up on the commitment I made to this man more than this undying love I have for him right now. Do I love him? Sure. Do I WANT to have an undying love for him? Absolutely. Do I feel distant, betrayed, hurt, angry, unloved, unwanted, etc., etc.? Um, yeah.
You know what, I gotta run real quick for a few. I'll be back to finish my story... To be continued!!!!
" This vascillation between the two causes the confusion. You are spinning - going nowhere... ( I'm not sure how to put a quote in here so I copied it)
1210, How True this quote is. What an eye opener for me. That is exactly what it is. The other one is the fear of loosing. I had kinda of figured this out. Tam, it is right you have to begin to realize there i s no US. I have a hard time with this one because my H still is making business plans for us. Then he will also say I need to think what is best for Penny. That is what you need to do. What is the best for Tam....
"Love listens to each other, it waits patiently, it doesn't control, it allows each other their personal freedom, their thoughts whether agreed to or not, without pushing your needs on each other, nor to be ignoring other's needs." 1210 This is another good one. You are so right and you can't make someone love you the way you want. No matter how hard you try.
Virginia, I have been there. You wait for the calls and then you call him and try the block calls just to see if he will answer those. Why can't you have the patience to not react you think you are going crazy. I also put my husband on a pedestal even though he was really tough on me. I stood up for him with his family and friends because they all thought he was to hard on the boys and me. I thought that he would never do anything against me. I really hit a spot with him when this all came out about the OW. I told him that I never ever believed he wouldn't love me. He said he had never thought about it that way.
Tam, It is the hardest thing to try and gain control back of your life. You have let your emotions take over to the point you don't know which way to go. The way you want it to be ot the way it is now. Not knowing what which way it will turn. I'm just now feeling a little bit more control of my life and it has been a big struggle. Lots and lots of melt downs and mistakes. My big one was trying to convince my husband what the OW really trully is. It just made me feel worse and him not know who to believe and right now it is to believe her even though other people have told him about her too. So we all made big mistakes. It is the hardest thing not to push to hard and try and remain detached. If you read my thread it just happened to me yesterday.
You need to focus on you and the business. It is extremely hard. Especially your H and mine also keep making business plans for the future that include us. So my big challenge today was to think of the new business he told me about and how I could make it better for me too. That is if we did this we would do it just like he was becoming business partners with someone else. Same set of ground rules. I have to learn to become more proactive on new business and even the old business. I believe this is what you need to do too. This is becoming the confident person you were and will be come. It will better you emotionally and financially. Good luck!
Like always we are here for you. I have one friend that told me that there is a reason for all of this. Just like Virginia said. We don't know why are where it is taking us but there is a reason. It is just hard to understand.
Hey if guys have some advice left I could use some on my thread. I admire you guys so much.
Have a good night and I hope you get some sleep. Sorry I rambled on.
For me, yes...I bought a house after a few months from the day we were divorced...he bought out my half in "our" house and is currently living there..1.8 miles apart.
He stays over friday night through sunday night...he goes out with friends or plays ball...but we do things together, or see our families...the work week is just that and for errands.
