As always, thanks, guys. Don't have much time to write right now but wanted to check in real quick to tell you a few things...
First off, 1210, my "mess-up's" for today are as follows:
1.) Ask him YET AGAIN at the job site if we can "talk." Then ask him if everything is still okay and if he's coming home soon, why did he change his mind that he now wants the M when he said he didn't before, when is he coming home, will he come home and just sleep in the other room for a while and we'll take things slow, yada, yada, yada. Asked for a few hugs. Chased him out the door to his truck. Asked for another hug and asked him if he was angry at me. Asked if we could go out to dinner tonight... Oh, Lordie....
2.) He gets up to the office, and I attack him again, this time asking if he wants to sell our home (he said it was hard to be home right now) so that we could start fresh somewhere new. Told him I was worried that he was going to procrastinate on getting this done. Asked him if he would please take care of this soon, yada, yada, yada. Luckily, I had an appointment that showed up that busted up that wonderful conversation.
3.) Went to the post office this evening, and I see what I believe to be OW's car in the parking lot there. You see, I've developed this horrible habit now of every time I see a white car of any type, I glance at the license plate to see if it's hers. Silly, huh? So, per my usual habit, I glance at this white car's license plate, and it's hers! (I think.) Panic hits, and freakshow emerges. I speed out of the parking lot, as I DO NOT want to see this woman. I met her once back in about September or so and vaguely remember what she looks like. I remember thinking that she was pretty at the time. H introduced me to her... I think they were probably talking then but don't think the A had started yet - don't think he would have had the nerve to introduce me to her if that was the case.
4.) Call H just to hear his voice because I'm freaked out. He doesn't answer, so I leave a message about some bogus business thing I need to talk to him about as I'm driving frantically to a post office on the other side of town... H calls back and we talk about the business item and I ask if he wants to go to dinner. He says he's going to keep working on what he's doing and will probably just grab something on the road... We get off the phone.
Yes, that's how wonderful I've done today. Can you say shoot myself in the foot???? WTH am I doing? It's been a bad day of backsliding; that's for sure. And I can sense that H is about ready to tackle me...
So, I drove around for a while after going to the post office and then decided to take Lin's advice of really thinking about this for a while. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, but I just wanted to think. So I went to a parking lot that overlooks the ocean - one of my favorite "think places." And I sat there in the rain by myself in the car for about a half hour and just reflected on this whole thing.
1210, you are right on the money in that I don't want to lost my M. It's the fear of loss right now and of giving up on the commitment I made to this man more than this undying love I have for him right now. Do I love him? Sure. Do I WANT to have an undying love for him? Absolutely. Do I feel distant, betrayed, hurt, angry, unloved, unwanted, etc., etc.? Um, yeah.
You know what, I gotta run real quick for a few. I'll be back to finish my story... To be continued!!!!
