Hi TimTam (do you have those yummy biscuits called Tim Tams - or is that a uniquely Australian delicacy???)

Oh you poor possum. Girlfriend, I could tell you stories that would have your hair stand on end about some of the backsliding adventures I had. I group my backsliding stories into categories - there was the 'Drinking and Dialling' preiod where every second night or so I'd drink too much wine and then call him. Sometimes I'd speak to him (goodness only knows what I said), sometimes, even more humiliatingly I'd call and when he'd answer I'd hangup - and just for fun I'd do that 2, or was it 20, times ..... oh I cringe. I don't know what I thought he was going to do. Like he might say "OK, now that you've interupted me for the 10th time tonight, and this is the 7th night in a row, I've realised that I love you and I'm going to come home to you and we'll pretend none of this ever happened." Sure!

Then there was the 'Just take me back I'll do anything for you' period which culminated in me on the floor, holding on to one of his legs as he tried to escape out the front door of our house - yes, you can imagine!!!

So when I started applying the DB principles, and thought I could strategise with them, I moved on to the very sophisticated 'I"ll pretend I have a boyfriend to make him jealous' period - which backfired big time, when the boy I was pretending was my boyfriend, didn't realise I was pretending. Hubby was jealous, but so what? It made no real difference. Except to illustrate to me that I really had to start at the beginning and ask myself the hard questions about why I wanted to be in my marriage - or indeed in any relationship.

I guess you are also going through the horrible part where you start to know what you don't know. First of all you are questioning yourself about your relationship - like 'how could I have missed all this?' 'can I believe anything about him/us'. I remember thinking that all my adult life I had sincerely, but blindly believed and trusted every word to come out of my husband's mouth.

In hindsight, it was very niave, but I was so in "love' with him that I put him on a pedestal that made him a complete and trusted rock. when I started hearing him mislead me, or say things that I knew he was saying just to shut me up (and you can tell when they are doing that) I was gutted.

Are you at that stage yet?

I also know the feeling of just wanting it to all be over. I remember just standing in my office one day thinking how the hell can I be expected to go through this and also thinking, 'how in the world do so many people get divorced if it's this bad'. I agree it is the WORST thing I've ever been through.

Thing is though that you've been sent this for a reason. I don't know what the reason is and I dont' know what it is you're supposed to learn. I do honestly believe though that there is a reason.

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all stuff up and backslide. Sure, some more than others - but so what? We are all different and we all accept different levels of stress and distress in our lives.

Keep at it. Remember it can only get better from here, because it sure as billyo can't get any worse!!! Yes.

Lots of love

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.