[quote=runner26.2]This has been a great opportunity to learn more about my M problems and also to get some clarity on my H situation. I am hopeful...whereas before I just felt sad and depressed and lonely.
quote]
Just reflecting...isn't it sad how unless you really think about it...it becomes too easy to blame the spouse when you feel like you fell out of love. I would try to blame my H for all these lost feelings.
I am hopeful...whereas before I just felt sad and depressed and lonely.
Right there with you.
Quote:
It probably is unwise since we are of the opposite sex..and the EA is starting I feel. I look forward to seeing the person and talking with them.
Feeling friendship toward someone is not necessarily an EA. It can easily develop into one if you are not careful.
Quote:
I feel ashamed at the fact that I post that I am trying to work on my marriage...yet I still find myself Physically attracted to other people.
Why are you ashamed? Your feelings are your feelings. It is how you act on them that is important. If you find that you are strongly physically attracted to this potential OM and that it will be a problem to control, tell him you need space.
Whatever you do, don't start down the road of rationalizing. Always take a critical look at what you are doing.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Stop contact with that person NOW. If you feel that an EA is starting, stop it before it begins....NOW.
If you do not then you are not focusing all of your energy on fixing your marriage....because there is a part of you reserved for thinking about this "friend", who looks forward to seeing/talking to him etc. That energy needs to go towards your H and your M.
You have a HUGE warning sign in thinking that "the EA is starting I feel." Nip this in the bud NOW. You should most absolutely NOT be sharing intimate details of your marriage (and problems within your marriage are included in that) with ANYONE of the opposite sex unless that person happens to be your therapist.
I would say that yes, that book helped our situation. It helped ME in the fact that my H and I did take the opportunity to discuss the quiz...so it gave me a much clearer understanding of what I needed to do for him, and vice-versa.
With my H I have to carefully approach things (or at least I used to have to) so he wouldn't go back into his shell and clam-up. Because our therapist gave us the quiz he was willing to take it with me, and she suggested afterwards that we try to define specifically for the othe person what we would perceive as the other meeting that need. For example, one of my LL is QT (Quality Time). I explained to my H that for me "quality time" wasn't just time being in each other's presence it was time doing things like "having a conversation that didn't revolve around family", "taking a bubble bath together", "taking a walk around our property", "our dates, even if it's just dinner out"...stuff like that. During our discussion my H confessed that he thought he had been giving quality time because he'd sit in the same room with me and watch a tv show. Well for me, that was definitely NOT quality time, it was just time in the same room....because there was no interaction between us. He now understands that and makes definite efforts (it really helps).
I on the other hand learned that he really needed validation. I thought I was giving it to him, but I wasn't really. He works in a high stress job where many days he just needs to come home and vent. He's not looking for me to fix anything, he just wants to get stuff out of his system and have me validate that he has a right to feel the way he does. So now (I'm a fixer) I make a concerted effort to just shut up when he's doing this and say things like "I'd probably feel that way too", or "I can see why that ticks you off"....and not make suggestions on how to fix it (which I found out frustrated him). He also needs to HEAR that he's doing things that I like, so I make sure to give him "atta boys" whenever I can like "You did a great job building that loafing shed for the horses!" or "I think you handled that situation at work perfectly!" This helps puff him up and feeds his ego, this is something he really needs...and it works. I've also learned that my H has a minor LL of physical touch, but not sexual physical touch. I am someone who is very warm-natured, I'm a portable heater at night...my H never has to worry about freezing to death if I'm in bed. Anyway...because I'm so warm natured I don't cuddle much in bed, I get too warm and uncomfortable. Well...I didn't really realize how much my H likes to do this and how much he missed it...until I made an effort to do more of it. He realizes I cannot sleep cuddling, but I now cuddle with him if we are watching tv in bed, or we are on the couch. I've noticed since I've started doing these few things....his behavior towards me has changed a great deal. I make an effort to cuddle and validate, he in return has been making efforts for QT with me, and trying to meet other needs as well. Even before the sexual aspect of our marriage was addressed...just doing these things to meet different needs made a HUGE difference in the feeling of intimacy between us, that in turn eventually fed over to the feeling of intimacy in the bedroom.
you are right...it is almost a tease to have these feelings and miss them in your own marriage that it feels good and perks you up...but ultimately it is not a good thing and it is destructive.
Originally Posted By: Greeneyedlass
Runner..
If you do not then you are not focusing all of your energy on fixing your marriage....because there is a part of you reserved for thinking about this "friend", who looks forward to seeing/talking to him etc. That energy needs to go towards your H and your M.
You have a HUGE warning sign in thinking that "the EA is starting I feel." Nip this in the bud NOW. You should most absolutely NOT be sharing intimate details of your marriage (and problems within your marriage are included in that) with ANYONE of the opposite sex unless that person happens to be your therapist.
GEL
And the energy towards my marriage is compromised when i think of the other person when i have my H right next to me.
Hey runner... WTG for trying to see things from your H's OOV. Not that you should abandon what you need, but approaching the relationship issues from both sides at the same time will move things along. The first change you can make is to drop that male friend. It's just bad news and will take you down a path that will hurt you in the end. You can do this!
Hey runner... WTG for trying to see things from your H's OOV. Not that you should abandon what you need, but approaching the relationship issues from both sides at the same time will move things along. The first change you can make is to drop that male friend. It's just bad news and will take you down a path that will hurt you in the end. You can do this!
did you read the 5ll and did it get your marriage back on track?
