I can't stand anymore

[missmyfriend]

HM, you have choices to make, that is true. BND, myself and others are not ganging up on you. We have learned to be honest with ourselves about our intentions and many times we have shared things we have done that we are not particularly proud of. Sometimes we have asked for guidance. You may not be asking for guidance but your post gives the impression that you were looking for approval. You do not have to get it here for you to make your decision. We are simply providing "our opinion".

The reason most of us are DBers is that most believe in the permanence of marriage and the vows that we made. We also do not believe that love is a "feeling" and simply disappears. Frustration, fears, anger, and many other emotions can make love challenging and appear to fade over time. Love is a decision. You have been hurt tremendously by what your H has done to you. You have an emptiness in you that he used to fill. Even if one's marriage was not perfect, most people would prefer to be married to their spouse than single. That is a fact.

Regardless of the degree of "love" you feel for your H or if you feel you must move on, it is recommended that new relationships be avoided for a period of time until grieving is over. Most therapists and other professionals recommend at least 5 years before someone is ready to think serious about dating, let alone marriage. Some therapists state that grieving can take up to one year per each year of marriage.

If you are looking for a R to ease the pain, then the new R does not stand much of a chance to be successful. It is analagous to putting on a dirty bandage on a serious wound. It will only get infected.

You need to completely irrigate the wound, put on a good antibiotic and a clean bandage. At times, you will have to re-clean the wound and put a fresh bandage on. When the wound has completely healed, the bandaid can come off and the wound will probably not reopen.

When your heart wound has completely healed, it should be safe to date again. You will be thinking clearly and will not make decisions based on your pain.

I know earlier you said you are not religious. Actually, I am not either. I have a strong faith...there is a difference. I am not sure if that is what you meant or that you mean that you avoid organized religion. If you do believe in God though, talk to Him and pray on it.

Your decision to date someone or to get married again should not be based on that you cannot wait on a slim chance that your H will want a R with you again.

I know we do not know each other except through this board but if you were my sister, I would say "Sis, I know you are hurting right now and are very lonely but lean on me to get you through this tough time in your life. You are hurting and it can cause you to make some bad decisions that you might regret later. I am saying this because I care and not that I am trying to judge or control you. I want to protect you but you will need to trust me that I have your best interest at heart."

HalfMissing, you can be my sister.

[missmyfriend]

I am sorry. Maybe I don't understand what is meant by the term "standing". I thought it meant that you delay the divorce as long as possible to give your spouse time to get through the MLC. I apologize if my ignorance of the term has inflamed this.

Some people do take the stance to block divorce. I have read scripture that if one wants out of a marriage, not to stop the individual. If my W wants a divorce, I will not stop her. I would ask her if that is what she really wants but will not look for ways to delay her. I will continue "standing" even if she D me with the expectation that she will make it through her MLC. My R with my W over 21 years gives me the belief that she will make it through but I have no guarantees.

[HalfMissing]

Thank you missmyfriend.

I do not agree that you should have to wait 5 years. It should be up to the person and if they felt ready. In my case I would be waiting at least 6 months to date.

I guess I am making a decision to not fight a divorce based on a slim chance that H will want a R with me again. If I want to date after I am divorced, I feel that I should be able to do so if I feel ready. I really don't know if I ever will marry again until after the kids are out of the house.

I do appreciate everyone's viewpoints, even if they are not what I want to hear. I'm sorry if I have been confusing.

[HalfMissing]

missmyfriend, I think I should have said that I do not plan to stand after the divorce is final and that I will not fight a divorce. I was using the term incorrectly.

[osu43130]

Trust me when I tell you this...BND and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things but she does have a valid point this time. You still seem confused about what you really want and all I wanted to point out is that you need to be sure of your desc and stand behind it, whatever it is.

Maybe I should not be here and saying this but just like BND we all are welcome to voice our opinions.

I am not saying your R with the OM is wrong but you are however still married so technically IMHO it is. Just take things slow with whatever you decide and protect yourself and your kids. That is all I really care about. YOU AND YOU KIDS...

Now as far as standing goes there are varying opinions of what it really means to stand.

Here is my sitch and you will see why I have my opinion on it and I am not totally up todate on your sitch but I just wanted to chime in about standing.

MY STBXW is having an A with a sex offender. She continually took my kids around this turd. I stood as long as I thought I could with everything that was going on. My W has already granted me a reason to get a D (in Gods Eyes) by her acts in the A. However, I still stood until I felt uncomfortable for my kids. Once I hit the point where I felt it was unsafe for my kids, I had to file to get a restraining order to keep the turd away from my kids. Honestly, if it was not for the turd, I would probably still be standing even though my STBXW is a total nut case. Once I decided to file I decided that I was not standing for my M anymore. Nor would I look back because I believe once you are D'ed that it makes your X off limits. Now there are different biblical ways and interpertations of this Idea and all boils down to what you believe in.

Now my point is the following. My idea of standing is to be able to stand in front of God with my desc. and not have to worry about how he will judge me for my actions. I had to do what I had to do for me and my kids. Now why are you moving on?

There is only one person that can judge you...Remember that....Make your desc. accordingly.

Later,
Ben

[Lissett]

BND all that painting has got you posting! la la!

I see so many of my peeps here giving you such great advice.
I guess I'm gonna chime in, with something, that a few people know already (sigh)


I had a very close feeling to a male friend, while being seperated from Puffy. I just thougth this male friend was the REAL DEAL. Infatuation, yes I know what you mean.

It was very short lived, nothing was done between us.

It was very wrong, and in the end I was very hurt, so was this man.

Not only was I hurt that my marriage was now over, but i had this other heart break again.

BLEH, it was just to much for Lissie.

I also have 2 children, and I thought this friend of mine, would be a great "dad" to my kids.

I went to church and asked for God's forgiveness.

God, stepped in, and straightened us both out actually.

I am proud to say that the EA never went into PA.

But I see what you are writing, and I felt the same exact way.

I chose not to stand for my marriage, I saw a lawyer, I was ready, to move on. I said I just don't have it in me to wait like you wonderful people on this board.

I was very vulnerable. I still am. So I have decided to do right by my kids.

Get a divorce first, and let my self mourn the loss of a marraige, and you are married alot longer than I am.

So you see lovey, we tell you this with love. I was told too, and guess by who

BND. SHe told me, and she told me, and then she told me some more.

She told me how much she hurt b/c her H was in a EA knee deep.

And I realized, and I finally heard.

Saying to this man, and to your self Let's be friends, is very hard.

Be alone for a while if you can.

Pray, and meditate by your self for a while.

Let the realization of what is happening come over you.

Be still, be calm.

[missmyfriend]

Lis, awesome post and it again demonstrates the strength I admire so much. It takes courage to go to share something like your story that helps others including me.

HalfMissing, I have to say that a somewhat similar sitch happened to me where a woman is having marriage issues and she tried to convince me that us "being together" would only be to help us get through our individual issues. I was close. So very close to making that mistake. I realized that I would not be working on my issues and would actually create new ones. My story is different because one was for companionship without a committment while you are looking for companionship with possible committment. They are similar in many ways but the most important one is that it was to soothe my pain. A relationship with someone else other than my spouse would not have done it.

To be honest, even if my W does D me, I will take sufficient time before I consider another R. My kids are a big factor because I do not want them thinking that I could easily replace their mother. I want them to know that I consider M to be an important decision that I do not take lightly as well as the vows I made.

When a decision is made to begin a R with someone other than your spouse, you impact many, many other people. We, that is people, are selfish by nature. Our spouses have shown that they have become completely absorbed, worrying only about their needs, their pleasures. That self centeredness is wrong as a single person but the damage it causes when you have a family can cause a lot of collateral damage. As a father, I have to put my children above my own needs. I still do that for my W but without her knowing because of the "control" problems she has.

Be very careful that you do not do things only for yourself without the consideration of those around you. Some people on this board may disagree with that comment or not but it is what has created the crisis that most of find ourselves in. It is not to say that are MLC spouses are completely at fault. There are areas we are definitely responsible for. In fact, getting into another R before you find out what that is and dealing with it, will only follow you into your next R.

If that is the man you have been talking about, he is unaware of your issues because he has not been around you in your private life. The same can be said about him. He has issues. I guarantee it. When people are considering new R, they are on their best behavior around the intended person. They do not let the other person see their faults because they are trying to "capture" that person's heart.

It was different when we were younger. We could make mistakes. There was less chance someone else would get hurt. Now, you have children and other people watching what you are going to do.

The question is, will you make positive choices are add to the negatives that have already happened?

HM, I am not condemning or judging you. I have been made aware of your pain through reading your posts and hope to see good things happen in your life. You have to be truly honest with yourself whether you should even consider a R at this time.

[fig]

I think we all need to take sufficient time to mourn what we have lost. My divorce was finalized in Sept. and not only am I not ready to date...I don't even want to ...it takes a long time for your heart to heal and I have 2 boys who need to understand that love doesn't disappear. LSS is unique in the fact that he is a nutjob...for real. But, the fact rremains that I loved the person he pretended to be and love isn't something gotten over in 6 months!!!!

I chose to stand for myself and my children and that means being the best person I can be. I need to concentrate on making myself whole...helping my children be whole.

I can't do this if I am working on a relationship with anothr person.

[Lissett]

(sniff)

Figgy, I will stand with you!

[fig]

smooches to you my wonderful cookie!!!!

we will be the most powerful women ever!!!!!!! (pumping fist in air)