I can't stand anymore

[missmyfriend]

HM, you have choices to make, that is true. BND, myself and others are not ganging up on you. We have learned to be honest with ourselves about our intentions and many times we have shared things we have done that we are not particularly proud of. Sometimes we have asked for guidance. You may not be asking for guidance but your post gives the impression that you were looking for approval. You do not have to get it here for you to make your decision. We are simply providing "our opinion".

The reason most of us are DBers is that most believe in the permanence of marriage and the vows that we made. We also do not believe that love is a "feeling" and simply disappears. Frustration, fears, anger, and many other emotions can make love challenging and appear to fade over time. Love is a decision. You have been hurt tremendously by what your H has done to you. You have an emptiness in you that he used to fill. Even if one's marriage was not perfect, most people would prefer to be married to their spouse than single. That is a fact.

Regardless of the degree of "love" you feel for your H or if you feel you must move on, it is recommended that new relationships be avoided for a period of time until grieving is over. Most therapists and other professionals recommend at least 5 years before someone is ready to think serious about dating, let alone marriage. Some therapists state that grieving can take up to one year per each year of marriage.

If you are looking for a R to ease the pain, then the new R does not stand much of a chance to be successful. It is analagous to putting on a dirty bandage on a serious wound. It will only get infected.

You need to completely irrigate the wound, put on a good antibiotic and a clean bandage. At times, you will have to re-clean the wound and put a fresh bandage on. When the wound has completely healed, the bandaid can come off and the wound will probably not reopen.

When your heart wound has completely healed, it should be safe to date again. You will be thinking clearly and will not make decisions based on your pain.

I know earlier you said you are not religious. Actually, I am not either. I have a strong faith...there is a difference. I am not sure if that is what you meant or that you mean that you avoid organized religion. If you do believe in God though, talk to Him and pray on it.

Your decision to date someone or to get married again should not be based on that you cannot wait on a slim chance that your H will want a R with you again.

I know we do not know each other except through this board but if you were my sister, I would say "Sis, I know you are hurting right now and are very lonely but lean on me to get you through this tough time in your life. You are hurting and it can cause you to make some bad decisions that you might regret later. I am saying this because I care and not that I am trying to judge or control you. I want to protect you but you will need to trust me that I have your best interest at heart."

HalfMissing, you can be my sister.