Thanks, Lin. It's not that I don't know what I want; I know that I want to save my M. I just keep getting impatient and wanting this pain to end and acting out of desperation. I have been absolutely horrible with H today with asking him questions about us... I am just having a bad day of not keeping myself in check, and I know that all I am doing is pushing him further away. So I'm angry at myself. Like I said, I recognize that I'm doing and saying some wrong things; it's not that I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm just having difficulties with restraining myself from acting out when I get desperate feeling. I just want this to all be over.
Sometimes it doesn't even feel real... It seems like a horrible, horrible nightmare, and I try to wake myself up. It's hard to believe that my life is what it is right now, and I'm just so bull-headed of trying to do it my way when I know that's not working. What happened in-between when he said he didn't want to be married to me anymore and the other day when he said he did want to work on us? I GOT A LIFE AND WENT TO VEGAS WITHOUT HIM AND DIDN'T TALK TO HIM AND MADE HIM THINK!!!! I believe that that is a lot of where the change in thinking from him came. And now, I've been back to my old, desperate, needy ways since he told me on Easter that he wanted to work on us, and I know I'm pushing him away again. I just got a taste of this ending and got impatient.
So, yes, I know what I want, and I know what I need to do to work towards getting it, and I'm not in any way trying to disrespect any of you and your time in trying to help me. I am so appreciative of all that you have done and are doing to support and guide me. I'm sorry if any of you feel disrespected; that's by no means my intent. As I've told you before, I don't want to come on here and lie about what I've done, how I'm feeling, etc. So, when I mess up, I tell you about it. When I do something I feel good about, I tell you about it. You guys get the whole enchilada with no sugar-coating.
I appreciate your "2X4's" very much and know that I need them. Just don't think I'm not listening to what you're saying. I DO get it and am just having a really hard time with restraining myself from doing the wrong things. I will continue to work on it with my end goal in mind and hope you will continue to stand by my side and keep kicking my butt and reminding me of what I have to gain, what I have to lose, etc.
And I hope in the meantime you'll let me continue to just be me and tell you when I mess up and when I do better, etc. Just know that I want to do the right thing, okay? I know sometimes I do the exact opposite of what I'm supposed to do and that it is just making things worse, and I need to work on putting myself in check whenever I feel the need to act on my desperate feelings. Not seeing him while I was in Vegas helped tremendously, and I know that I need to work on distancing myself from him. Moving my office would help; I recognize that.
Anyway, I'm rambling again but just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going... Thanks for all you do for me.
