WAW March '02, came home June '03, I left May '04 because of total neglect and her probable involvement with OM. Sold house May '06, bought new home May '06 and everyone back together June '06.
We continue to attend MC together about once a month, she goes some on her own.
I was a driven, compulsive one-sided spouse. Have attempted to soften all that, yet retain my self.
However, she remains out there. Am doing some phone counceling which has been very helpful and will continue it.
I suspect at this point in time my biggest problem is wanting things to be better now and I am not sure how to deal with physical neglect and seeming lack of interest on her part.
I am gainfully employed with no $ or drug problems. Two young sons who are doing great in all areas. She is 47 and beautiful...she did go through a horrible "I'm free" period, but that has pretty much resolved with time. She probably maintains contact with the OM, but probably limited to email and phone stuff.
So, I now live with my wife of 22 years who really acts like a roommate...now and then we "have sex", but never kiss or hug. Do things together like movies, dinners, vacations with the children. If I bring up R, the wall goes up and she hedges. I know she doesn't want a divorce and when I bring it up, she says, "do what you need to do".
So it seems like I am just living in a very disorienting relationship where I am committed to it, but she's just sort of hanging out and giving minimal effort.
It is a great thing we all are back together and getting along, yet that special something is totally missing.
I would love some concrete advice from anyone who has been in this type of situation and found something that works.
The best thing I've read today is that "while I am waiting for her to change, she's actually waiting for me to change." That statement really took me by surprize and opened my eyes to the fact that maybe I am still doing some things that are negatively affecting our progress. I am the one who brings up the "R", I am the one who talks about the fact that we don't kiss. I am the one who will initiate a hug although it might as well be with my sister.
NC - you sound like you are in the same place I was/am
I feel like I am living with my roommate also, the only difference is (as far as I know) there is no contact with the OW at this point. However, I am no expert but I have to tell you, if there is any contact whatsoever with the OM in your sitch, then you are definitely not piecing. As far as I am concerned, both people have to be committed to rebuilding the relationship. I know they can't get over the OP instantly and it takes time for those emotions to get out of their system but as long as she continues to have any type of contact with him, the emotion, feelings and pull are still there. That is my guess as to why she is still very distant and like a roommate, the connection is still with him. Unless she can 100% separate from him and start putting the effort into her M and YOU - forget it, it will never work. That's just my opinion but I am sure there are others on here that would totally agree with me
In the meantime, you need to start concentrating on YOU. That's what I have finally done and it seems to be getting some reaction from my H.
It will take time but your sitch still sounds really strained after all this time . And trust me, I know what it feels like to be living with a spouse roommate - its been going on in this house for about 10 years now (no kidding!!) The only difference between you and me is at least you are getting "some"
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Thank you for your great reply. So sad to be sort of wasting the days.
Anyway, when you say, take care of YOU, can you give me some examples?
I exercise, play golf with my friends, enjoy my wine, go anywhere I want to go when I want to go. So, I have total freedom, yet paying all the bills with many important unmet needs. I think I sit because of the huge financial downside of a divorce. She just keeps saying, this is the way she is going to be. I need something to rock her world and get her motivated towards healing our relationship, but so far, nothing has worked. Sigh. All insights would be appreciated. Thx, just me.
I feel the same way as you NC my wah isnt home yet but did agree to try again but it dont feel like it we dont go anywhere without the kids we dont have "us" time. he dont make much contact with me at all and am really bumming thinking what is the point of this.
Am gonna keep an eye on your thread to see what advice you get given so we can share it lol
Hugs HB
M35 H35 T 14Y M 6Y 2 D 10/14 bomb & M/O 4/2/07 "trying to piece" 1/4/07 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=998053&page=1#Post998053
NC - when I say take care of YOU, I mean that you have to go on, like she wasn't there. I know that isn't always easy but if you don't stop obsessing about the whole situation, it will drive you totally insane (I know). When you let things go and get into your own pace, so to speak, you will find things won't seem so stressed. If we are going to get through this mess, we are going to have to accept our spouse as they are, for the time being. If it is something you can't accept, only you will know when it is time to withdraw from the M altogether. But, if you are not there yet, you have to move forward. Right now all you are doing in sitting in neutral, waiting for HER to make a move, waiting for HER to make a decision, waiting for HER ..... get the point? You have to move forward for YOU. I am not saying to throw in the towel but unless you can get out of the obsessing mode (and I know its hard to do - and I have got a lot of 2x4's from the board regarding that myself) you will be stuck in quicksand forever.
Going golfing, spending time with friends is all great but if you are still carrying the resentment of paying the bills with nothing in return (and you sound like you are) then you don't really have a life do you? You are expecting to get something in return.
I have been in this situation for a long, long time but I intend (come hell or high water) to resolve it one way or the other. No, I don't know what the future holds but I tell you one thing, ever since I started living for ME, my H has noticed. Not in leaps and bounds, but he has noticed and is slowly but surely finding his way back into my life. It won't happen overnight but in the meantime you have to live for YOU (and any kids you might have - I don't happen to have any at home - YAY!!)
So, one day at a time - live for YOU, do things for YOU and I guarantee she will start noticing you are not living your life with just her in mind
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
sorry it took so long to get back. Yes, it is clear I just need to live my life, travel, sleep, play, workout, work, take care of my boys....if I don't like my situation, then I will change it. It's almost like I have been manipulated into this situation..does that sound strange to anyone?
