Bizarre situation

[geordie]

Had really good interactions Tues (H was particularly attentive, hugging etc) but Wed was bad. We got into R talk as I was leaving for work (just after he arrived to look after S) and I ended up not going to work......

Lots of tears by both of us, heavy conversation. While he doesn't want to be a divorce statistic, doesn't want to lose me, and wants to be a proper father (his words), he is not willing/able to give up OW. His feelings for her are so strong, something that he has not felt before therefore it must be right (I want to bash his head off a brick wall for that statement!).

I talked about him about trust issues and did he really think he could trust her not to go after another married man, and could she really trust him not to be seduced by another woman (I KNOW...I SHOULD"T BUT SOMETIMES I CAN"T HOLD MY MOUTH!)...but he believes he CAN trust her and she can trust him. Jeezzz....I am floored. La-la land again.

He ended up leaving our home at 1.30pm when he usually leaves at 6pm since he admitted he couldn't cope with the heavy conversation. He said he needed to be alone; I said he was running to OW, he said she was at work so he would be alone.

He did call me an hour or so later to see if I was OK. I then called him a bit later to see how he was...no answer x 3, then he sent a text that he got back OK, I called him, no answer so I knew he was with OW. The only time he won't answer but will text is when he is with her. I left him a message saying that "I cannot live like this anymore, I'm sorry" and put the phone down. I was devastated all over again. I wanted to say "don't bother coming back, it's over" but I held my tongue. Wish I could have held it more and not have called him in the first place. Within 20 mins he sent me a text saying "can we talk tomorrow? She came home from work sick" so I think he is worried now.....that's the first time he's mentioned OW as a justification of why he's not answering. I didn't respond.

So, despite a bad day, when I reflect there were several good points:
1. doesn't want to lose me
2. doesn't want to get divorced
3. doesn't want another man bringing up his son
4. said that both his heart and head were telling him what the right thing to do was but it felt he couldn't break from OW
5. OW has started to bug him about ending it with me (now I know this, I can maybe hold on a little longer)
6. said he can't go on like this, it's too stresful....it's killing him (he said he feels like shooting himself in the head but admitted that would mean he didn't have to make a decision)
7. asked me to not stop trying
8. asked me to give him space
9. our son's birth was the best day of his life, followed by our wedding day
10. he has ON HIS OWN started reading some of the books that are keeping me going and even suggested that he would take them into work to read on his break. Currently reading "After the Affair" by Janis Spring - title a little misleading since it is a fab read for anyone even those not going through this. Also "Not Just Friends" by shirley Glass is wonderful too. I hope he will read both.

When I list things out like this it makes me realize that he is very bonded to me and we have a good chance of this thing working out. I just feel completely devalued by being a choice between everything we share and some cheap homewrecker. Makes me feel worthless even though I know i'm not. And it makes me think less of him too. That's what scares me.

So....the saga continues. Any advice on what to do now would be appreciated....I'm afraid of backsliding now