Tam...I really don't know what to say...there isn't much any of us can do to get you together on what you need to do...I know in my desperation I was willing and ready to do what ever I needed to do to correct the situation...yes, I backslid a few times (more then I would like to admit)...but I made sure for every time I did that I put on a strong front and did a 180 for the next several times I got the opportunity to see H...
I am wondering if you are in denial...that because no one knows about the H's OW that you feel you can continue doing these pitiful things to ease your insecurities (as apposed to facing your fears and doing what needs to be done against what your natural tendencies are)....maybe you feel if you do what others are advising and it doesn't work that you really will have failed....maybe it is a fear of failure so your are creating a failure so that "IF" H doesn't come home you can always fall back on "Oh, If only I had done this."..."Oh, If I hadn't have been so this."...
I think what you really need to do is sit down...really concentrate (no drugs and maybe consider talking to someone with a very level head)and think about what you want...what you need to do...this is something you need to do...then when you find out what it is that you really want...that you really really want...then you need to set your plan...if you don't...you WILL FAIL...
