Like Believing says, I cringe when I read your posts....really, I do cringe. It's as if you have taken a class in doing the exact opposite of what is attractive to your H, and you keep doing it. Did you really read the DB books? Remember the part about going down "cheeseless tunnels" which means not repeating behaviors that are NOT working? WHY are you soooo blind to this? Asking for hug is big a ONE TIME no-no. Doing it AGAIN is just... pathetic and soooo UNATTRACTIVE. If you were a man doing this to a woman we'd call it stalking, and maybe sexually assaulting. And just sooo unlikely to work. It hasn't worked yet, has it? So, for the love of GOD, WHY are you still doing it?
Because it feels good to have a tiny ounce of forced affection, even while knowing you are DECREASING the chance of ever really getting LOVE from this man, the more you take his scraps, which he begrudingly gives? (Even you know it only feels good when you lie to yourself about what it means) And then analyzing those scraps to death? Any hug or answer to a question about Your R/M that YOU force out of him, is NOTHING based on truth. Frankly, if I were in his shoes and it was the business that forced me to HAVE to be around my spouse when I really wished I weren't, I'd probably do or say anything (like give a hug or say "yes, we'll be okay" ) just to keep them quiet so I could get 1) some work done and or 2) get the hell out of the room as fast as possible. I'd RUN to OP.
You are pushing him away and you have only you to blame for that...Sorry, but you are really doing EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what you need to do, and what everyone here is saying. Do you really want this guy? Any guy? Do you just disbelieve us? Or do the tiny scraps at the moment, outweigh the worth of really having a lasting R? That means doing the work it takes to make a life on your own, which is the ONLY way to get him to return, IF in fact it is possible. Look, all I know is what you are doing, over and over again, is making it all worse. Don't you get that? This is exactly what my younger sister did and she smothered her H and hovered, begged, pleaded, pursued, and he could not run fast enough away from her. By LAW he had to stay with her a certain amount of time. She'd hungrily gobble up "signs" of his "love" like staying in the same room with her to watch his favorite show, or laughing at the same funny thing.....SHE really saw these "signs" of him coming around and having doubts/confusion.....he remarried 30 days after the divorce. It was the soonest the law in that state allowed remarriage... That was 10 years ago and my sister still stares at the one photo of OW and him and stares and stares and wonders why/why/why? No insights into what she did wrong before of during the M....just self absorbed pain and misery and bitterness, which affects her PRESENT marriage and her R's with her stepchildren. Nope, her remarriage did nothing to help her feel like she moved on....she is still stuck...and it still pollutes almost everything in her life...10 years...She even thought having him write the support checks, rather than getting a court allotment directly out of his check, would "remind" him of her every month and maybe that would....??? SO, the OW wrote the checks with HER name on the account instead of my sister's....ouch. AND then when the checks were late sometimes, the OW wrote "nice" notes to my sister about how the cash flow was low that month, what with the new BABY she had with sister's ex-husband.....OUCH!! But my sister kept setting herself up for this. Why? At some level, I think she felt she did not really deserve love, and wanted to disprove it, but kept reaffirming it. Whatever the reason, it was unhealthy. And so is YOUR behavior. At some point soon, you will have to look at YOUR ROLE in this sitch. If you have been like this IN the M, hovering and smothering, then you really have a huge role in the problems you are now facing. And you are still making it all so much worse. That's my 2 x 4. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tam move the office home this weekend...just do it.
YOU are delaying his chances of return... " " causing him to stay with her... " " pushing him...
YOU say you don't cling...last Hawaiian trip...you landed home and he wanted to see a site...you asked to go along...he wanted to go by himself...you asked to go again...after being with him for a solid week...he needs space from you...that's why he's with her...it's your neediness that he despises....yet you keep pushing, pushing and pushing youself on him...
It obviously have not worked so far(What you have been doing), so why not try something new? That is what DBing is all about. Finding out what actually works and not traveling down those "Cheeseless Tunnels".
There are a lot of very wise people here on your thread trying to help you. You should feel very lucky that you have the select group of people that you do giving you advise because IMHO they are the best that are on here.
How it is just your choice if you want to listen to them or not.
Take care and I hope YOU can find a Happy place for YOU...
Later, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Are you ok? I miss your long posts. The one liner is very uncharacteristic of you. No one is trying to discourage you from posting or sharing with us anymore. Everyone just wants to help you reach your goal.
25yrsMLC's story of her sister is profound. It proves everything in the beginning chapters of DB and DR.
The people here are doing what my dad did to me.
I am proud of how you are beginning to handle the meds. Let us know how it went at the doctor's.
Thanks for your concern. Yes, I'm okay. I just keep screwing up and doing the wrong things - I screwed up again today already.... I'm just angry at myself that I keep sabotaging things and can't seem to pull myself together to do what I know I need to do. I'm so bull-headed sometimes. And if I mess this up because I didn't do the right things, I'll never forgive myself. Even thought I KNOW that, I still just can't seem to get my act together. This is one of, if not the, most important thing I'll probably ever have to do in my life, and I'm just messing it all up. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me - rather, I'm just expressing my anger at myself for the person I am being.
So, yes, I'm okay. I'm just mad at myself right now and am just in thought I guess.
Tam...I really don't know what to say...there isn't much any of us can do to get you together on what you need to do...I know in my desperation I was willing and ready to do what ever I needed to do to correct the situation...yes, I backslid a few times (more then I would like to admit)...but I made sure for every time I did that I put on a strong front and did a 180 for the next several times I got the opportunity to see H...
I am wondering if you are in denial...that because no one knows about the H's OW that you feel you can continue doing these pitiful things to ease your insecurities (as apposed to facing your fears and doing what needs to be done against what your natural tendencies are)....maybe you feel if you do what others are advising and it doesn't work that you really will have failed....maybe it is a fear of failure so your are creating a failure so that "IF" H doesn't come home you can always fall back on "Oh, If only I had done this."..."Oh, If I hadn't have been so this."...
I think what you really need to do is sit down...really concentrate (no drugs and maybe consider talking to someone with a very level head)and think about what you want...what you need to do...this is something you need to do...then when you find out what it is that you really want...that you really really want...then you need to set your plan...if you don't...you WILL FAIL...
Thanks, Lin. It's not that I don't know what I want; I know that I want to save my M. I just keep getting impatient and wanting this pain to end and acting out of desperation. I have been absolutely horrible with H today with asking him questions about us... I am just having a bad day of not keeping myself in check, and I know that all I am doing is pushing him further away. So I'm angry at myself. Like I said, I recognize that I'm doing and saying some wrong things; it's not that I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm just having difficulties with restraining myself from acting out when I get desperate feeling. I just want this to all be over.
Sometimes it doesn't even feel real... It seems like a horrible, horrible nightmare, and I try to wake myself up. It's hard to believe that my life is what it is right now, and I'm just so bull-headed of trying to do it my way when I know that's not working. What happened in-between when he said he didn't want to be married to me anymore and the other day when he said he did want to work on us? I GOT A LIFE AND WENT TO VEGAS WITHOUT HIM AND DIDN'T TALK TO HIM AND MADE HIM THINK!!!! I believe that that is a lot of where the change in thinking from him came. And now, I've been back to my old, desperate, needy ways since he told me on Easter that he wanted to work on us, and I know I'm pushing him away again. I just got a taste of this ending and got impatient.
So, yes, I know what I want, and I know what I need to do to work towards getting it, and I'm not in any way trying to disrespect any of you and your time in trying to help me. I am so appreciative of all that you have done and are doing to support and guide me. I'm sorry if any of you feel disrespected; that's by no means my intent. As I've told you before, I don't want to come on here and lie about what I've done, how I'm feeling, etc. So, when I mess up, I tell you about it. When I do something I feel good about, I tell you about it. You guys get the whole enchilada with no sugar-coating.
I appreciate your "2X4's" very much and know that I need them. Just don't think I'm not listening to what you're saying. I DO get it and am just having a really hard time with restraining myself from doing the wrong things. I will continue to work on it with my end goal in mind and hope you will continue to stand by my side and keep kicking my butt and reminding me of what I have to gain, what I have to lose, etc.
And I hope in the meantime you'll let me continue to just be me and tell you when I mess up and when I do better, etc. Just know that I want to do the right thing, okay? I know sometimes I do the exact opposite of what I'm supposed to do and that it is just making things worse, and I need to work on putting myself in check whenever I feel the need to act on my desperate feelings. Not seeing him while I was in Vegas helped tremendously, and I know that I need to work on distancing myself from him. Moving my office would help; I recognize that.
Anyway, I'm rambling again but just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going... Thanks for all you do for me.
Tam...It makes me wonder now...are we enabling you to continue in this self-destructive course by being here to pick you up???
I am not suggesting you sugar coat anything...but by the same token if we come here and pick you up time and again...are you REALLY learning the lessons...maybe if we all pulled back...gave you "space"...you might WANT to hear what we have to say...much in the same way that a MLC'er reacts to things...by us hand-feeding you are you pulling away and doing what we say not to...doing what YOU WANT to do instead of what WE KNOW you should be doing...
I guess I don't understand this...when I was faced with the very same issue of losing my H forever...I heard the advice given (btw, my posts got maybe 2 or 3 responses and NEVER locked one up)...I acted on the advice to the best of my ability...the last thing I wanted to do was to seal the coffin...I don't understand if you REALLY DO GET THIS...WHY WHY WHY are you continuing to do all the things we have lovingly advised you not to, have sternly advised you not to, have beat you over the head about doing...Tam I really don't get it...
I am really considering let you fly solo for a bit...and am thinking the others might understand where I am at...and when YOU REALLY REALLY DO GET IT...AND YOU ARE REALLY REALLY READY to work on YOU...we will be here...
I am not trying to be mean, insensitive, or unkind...but I feel we are enabling you...and I feel that until you are too the point of truly wanting to make the changes you need to do that WE ARE ALL just wasting our words...I know you don't think so...but then your H probably doesn't think so when he is listening to you or ignoring you...he probably feels he is doing the best thing for himself (even though it isn't working)...
