Been back together since last Oct. Actually stopped the D. Been working on things, go to MC. W telling me things getting better. Then about a month ago, notice some w/drawl from W, again. We're at our MC Thursday nite and she tell MC and me she's tired of working on the M. She feel dead inside. Doesn't want to continue. If you want, links to origianl two threads below. Plus one just startd here last week (SHE'S NOT MUCH MORE THAN A ROOMMATE)
Not sure whether I'm coming or going right now. W & I are basically back to where we were last summer. W is telling me it won't make any difference if I continue to try DBng. She has to be true to herself and she just can't be married anymore. W says that she really never was happy after we reconciled last fall. Was only the honeymoon phase. I'm going to try anyway. Guess I'll start by rereading all of my old journals and DR again. I don't know if I can deal w/ another I still can't believe that it's only coincidence that this is all starting at the same time as last year. The time frame of finding out W's F was terminal and died w/in a cple months. W says it has nothing to do w/ it . . . She's just a changed person who has to findout who she is. :-/ Our friends and fmily are stunned, again. Even to the point of some ill feelings/lost respect towards W. She look at the family as if it's a burden to what she wants as her priority. S3 was sick this morning. W was upset that she was going to have to stay home w/ him, instead of going to work. My perception anyway. She acts like reponsibilities w/ the S's are now a hassle. Instead of being happy of spending time w/ S's, W approaches them grudgingly.
I keep waiting for the official bombing raid. When she actually files the paperwork or hands it to me, or has someone serve me. I'm still kinda shell shocked. She tells me she wants the D on Thursday. Friday we spend a friendly evening together. Saturday and Sunday were like Thursday never even happened. She even asked to join me in the shower Sat. am. Not much happened in there, but hey, it's definitely not what I would have expected. Monday, we were sitting talking w/ friends and happen to put my hand on W's knee. I got a look like, "what the hc// do you think you're do'in." W told meshe didn't appreciate it and she realized it was only out of habit. Go figure? Last couple of days-distant and removed. She won't return calls, pages or emails. I'm tring my best not to let it show, but S8 has already asked me a cple of times if I was sad about something. All I can do is lie, smile and try to keep from losing it in front of him. What's worse, now S3 is starting to become more reliant on me as opposed to W. Wants to do more w/ me. Same thing happened w/ S8 at that age. W really resented it. I can only imagine what's going to happen now. She already thinks I'm the root of all her problems now.
Saturday, after the morning went like nothing had ever happened, I asked W if she'd like to go out for the evening, dinner and drinks or something. She said it would be fun. BS cancelled at last minute so we didn't go, but had a good evening @ home. Yesterday I asked W if she'd like to go out this Saturday. Tells me she has to think about it and give me an answer later in the evening. As were settling in for the night, I asked her if she'd thought about it. Tells me she doesn't want to go out. Asked her if she just didn't want to go out or didn't want to go out w/ me. Wouldn't answer. Too tired.
She sure sounds like one confused little puppy - I don't envy you in the least
Do you think there is still something going on? or could it be MLC - sounds like it to me
Either way, she needs to decide one way or the other what she is going to do. I know I wouldn't be able to stand all the confusion
My heart and prayers go out to you
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Do you think there is still something going on? or could it be MLC - sounds like it to me
If you mean like EA or PA. I don't know. When all of this started I found some things that made me think so. Even confronted her a couple of times and brought it up in MC on a couple of different occasions. She denies and has always denied it. Says she has so much to do, she doesn't have time for an affair. That she just doesn't want to be married. She feels she'd be better off by herself. Since then, I know there is an xmale patient that has continued to keep in contact w/ W, afer his therapy was completed (W is a PT). W has also kept in contact w/ him. Phone calls & tm, that I know of. There have been a couple of times this has come up. W says he is only a friend. He's engage to be married this summer. He didn't become a patient until after all of this started.
I leaning more to the MLC still. W's 40. Went to grad school. Really wants her career. When we first got M, W said she wanted kids, 2 or 3. I told her I didn't know if I really wanted kids. Was still trying to grow-up myself-didn't want to be responsible for raising others. Now we have the family. I wouldn't trade it . Now W says she doesn't want to be known as a W or mother. Wants to be know for her accomplishments. Has stated numerous times she just has too much to do. Some issues came up a year or so ago. I told her I thought she was putting too much emphasis on her career, to the detriment of the family. WRONG THING TO SAY! She would volunteer to work holiday weekends, or schedule elective cont. educ. classes on weekend instead of doing family things. Once S8 started school, she would never want to schedule her vacation time to conincide w/ his days off from school or even summer break. She just wanted him to go to the b4/after daycare or camps all year round. Once S3 came around she started doing more w/ him and ignoring me and S8. Did this to me when S8 came around. Then, when all the D stuff started last summer, W got furious when either I would take time off or boys would go to GP and then not want her to pick them up. Other reason I'm leaning more to MCL. . . now all of sudden, she wants to do all kinds of diff. stuff. Said she was going to sky dive-but she's terrified of heights. Said she was going to scuba dive-but she's not that comfortable in water. Said she thought about learning to ride a motorbike. All this kinda funny considering I've been trying to get her to do it for years. I dive and ride motorbikes. Thought it would nice for her to be able to do some of things too. W absolutely wouldn't think of it. Now all of sudden, they're her ideas.
She also went through a lot w/ the birth of S's, my workers going out on strike, her F dying w/ little warning. W said she thought about sucide when her M died, years ago. Started "cutting" herself too. When things started last year, she started "cutting" again. I honestly think she's battling depression, but she refuses to see some one. W is going to C, but this C is into the holistic stuff and eastern philosopy. So's W. That the other thing. W was born & raised Catholic. Now, won't consider going to mass. W has issues w/ Church's position on woman and M. Our original MC thought she should get psychiatric help and get on AD. W started getting really mad @ her. When I first describe the sitch and her behavior to our second MC she thought she might be Bi-Polar, but then when it got brought up in one of our last meetings, MC denied it.
W also had a pretty crappy childhood. W's F was verbally and emotionally abusive to her and rest of F. B's weren't real nice either. Very cruel and mean in their teasing of her. W has reeeaaallly bad self esteme.
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Either way, she needs to decide one way or the other what she is going to do. I know I wouldn't be able to stand all the confusion
The confussion is really what is killing me. From one minute to the next I never know what to expect. What will be even worse is when we have to tell Ss again. S8 will be torn apart. He didn't take it well last time. Had nihgt terros. Always asking what he could do to help change her mind. Since the Recon. everytime he would here a raised voice you could just see him get scared.
I sometimes wonder if the all struggle and pain will be worth going through a second time. I almost think it would be better to let it go and me the boys can try to get on w/ starting a new life. Then I think of the boys and how they'll handle it. Even worse, S3 is more "aware" of things now. Last year it didn't really register on him. W's got this strange opinion that kids this age are "resilient", and they'll get over it. Every time W says that I just wanna crack her.
I feel for you RGM! I wish your W could see what a mother's greatest achievement is ... children who are happy. Perhaps she lost or never had her own identity. Sounds like she defines herself according to what her father and brothers told her. That must be pretty hard, and to lose one's mother at a young age, isn't fun either. I hope she finds herself before she does much more damage to your kids. Children are resilient to a point, but why should they have to be. Why can't they just have a wonderful, stress free childhood? That would be the greatest gift she could give your boys, considering the crappy one she had.
However, she is an adult with the responsibilities of motherhood, and she chose to have your S's, and so there are no excuses for her detachment from them. Except, of course, if she is depressed or going through MLC, which it sounds she is. No normal mother would act the way she is acting, unless there were some mental issues.
Only advice I can give, is be patient, think about what you want, and consider what's best for your S's. Try and detach from her craziness, and remember the true person she is, and could be. Cut her some slack, but don't be a doormat either. Not easy, as you know.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
