I would say that yes, that book helped our situation. It helped ME in the fact that my H and I did take the opportunity to discuss the quiz...so it gave me a much clearer understanding of what I needed to do for him, and vice-versa.
With my H I have to carefully approach things (or at least I used to have to) so he wouldn't go back into his shell and clam-up. Because our therapist gave us the quiz he was willing to take it with me, and she suggested afterwards that we try to define specifically for the othe person what we would perceive as the other meeting that need. For example, one of my LL is QT (Quality Time). I explained to my H that for me "quality time" wasn't just time being in each other's presence it was time doing things like "having a conversation that didn't revolve around family", "taking a bubble bath together", "taking a walk around our property", "our dates, even if it's just dinner out"...stuff like that. During our discussion my H confessed that he thought he had been giving quality time because he'd sit in the same room with me and watch a tv show. Well for me, that was definitely NOT quality time, it was just time in the same room....because there was no interaction between us. He now understands that and makes definite efforts (it really helps).
I on the other hand learned that he really needed validation. I thought I was giving it to him, but I wasn't really. He works in a high stress job where many days he just needs to come home and vent. He's not looking for me to fix anything, he just wants to get stuff out of his system and have me validate that he has a right to feel the way he does. So now (I'm a fixer) I make a concerted effort to just shut up when he's doing this and say things like "I'd probably feel that way too", or "I can see why that ticks you off"....and not make suggestions on how to fix it (which I found out frustrated him). He also needs to HEAR that he's doing things that I like, so I make sure to give him "atta boys" whenever I can like "You did a great job building that loafing shed for the horses!" or "I think you handled that situation at work perfectly!" This helps puff him up and feeds his ego, this is something he really needs...and it works. I've also learned that my H has a minor LL of physical touch, but not sexual physical touch. I am someone who is very warm-natured, I'm a portable heater at night...my H never has to worry about freezing to death if I'm in bed. Anyway...because I'm so warm natured I don't cuddle much in bed, I get too warm and uncomfortable. Well...I didn't really realize how much my H likes to do this and how much he missed it...until I made an effort to do more of it. He realizes I cannot sleep cuddling, but I now cuddle with him if we are watching tv in bed, or we are on the couch. I've noticed since I've started doing these few things....his behavior towards me has changed a great deal. I make an effort to cuddle and validate, he in return has been making efforts for QT with me, and trying to meet other needs as well. Even before the sexual aspect of our marriage was addressed...just doing these things to meet different needs made a HUGE difference in the feeling of intimacy between us, that in turn eventually fed over to the feeling of intimacy in the bedroom.
