Not sure whether I'm coming or going right now. W & I are basically back to where we were last summer. W is telling me it won't make any difference if I continue to try DBng. She has to be true to herself and she just can't be married anymore. W says that she really never was happy after we reconciled last fall. Was only the honeymoon phase. I'm going to try anyway. Guess I'll start by rereading all of my old journals and DR again. I don't know if I can deal w/ another I still can't believe that it's only coincidence that this is all starting at the same time as last year. The time frame of finding out W's F was terminal and died w/in a cple months. W says it has nothing to do w/ it . . . She's just a changed person who has to findout who she is. :-/ Our friends and fmily are stunned, again. Even to the point of some ill feelings/lost respect towards W. She look at the family as if it's a burden to what she wants as her priority. S3 was sick this morning. W was upset that she was going to have to stay home w/ him, instead of going to work. My perception anyway. She acts like reponsibilities w/ the S's are now a hassle. Instead of being happy of spending time w/ S's, W approaches them grudgingly.
I keep waiting for the official bombing raid. When she actually files the paperwork or hands it to me, or has someone serve me. I'm still kinda shell shocked. She tells me she wants the D on Thursday. Friday we spend a friendly evening together. Saturday and Sunday were like Thursday never even happened. She even asked to join me in the shower Sat. am. Not much happened in there, but hey, it's definitely not what I would have expected. Monday, we were sitting talking w/ friends and happen to put my hand on W's knee. I got a look like, "what the hc// do you think you're do'in." W told meshe didn't appreciate it and she realized it was only out of habit. Go figure? Last couple of days-distant and removed. She won't return calls, pages or emails. I'm tring my best not to let it show, but S8 has already asked me a cple of times if I was sad about something. All I can do is lie, smile and try to keep from losing it in front of him. What's worse, now S3 is starting to become more reliant on me as opposed to W. Wants to do more w/ me. Same thing happened w/ S8 at that age. W really resented it. I can only imagine what's going to happen now. She already thinks I'm the root of all her problems now.
Saturday, after the morning went like nothing had ever happened, I asked W if she'd like to go out for the evening, dinner and drinks or something. She said it would be fun. BS cancelled at last minute so we didn't go, but had a good evening @ home. Yesterday I asked W if she'd like to go out this Saturday. Tells me she has to think about it and give me an answer later in the evening. As were settling in for the night, I asked her if she'd thought about it. Tells me she doesn't want to go out. Asked her if she just didn't want to go out or didn't want to go out w/ me. Wouldn't answer. Too tired.
