The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Hi CL!

I think you are right. This has been a lifelong attitude of his. I don't know if he masturbates, or is LD (he has always been very much HD), and have no idea if he gets erections (we have only ML once this year, that I can remember). I have not noticed him looking at other women. He doesn't appear to be depressed, but is very worried about our D19. He will quite happily chat with me about his day at work, or other stuff, or listen to me chat. He is busy renovating our house, and is very satisfied with what he has accomplished, so far. He does have a passion in his new home business, which keeps him pretty busy (another avoidance tactic since it wasn't necessary for him to start this business now, when we need to be working on our M, although I have no problem with his having this for himself) - he imports vintage scooters, and also retro helmets, and he just loves puttering around in the garage. We do have a pretty good friendship, but it's very much on the surface, I feel. He may have another perspective.

Anyway, let me give some background to our M - some I have already told, but some I have never told anyone - ever. Be warned! This is really personal stuff, and my stomach has butterflies just thinking about typing it out.

When we were first married, we seldom fought, so his conflict avoidance didn't bother me. But, then we went through a stage over several years, where he was addicted to porn. I would discover it, demand that he get rid of it, he would beg forgiveness, would stay away from it for awhile, then go back to it in secrecy as usual. The last time it happened, I blew up (this was about 8 years ago). I told him that unless he got professional help, I would no longer want to be married to him, since he had no regard to how his viewing porno affected me (and, BTW, porn is totally against the teachings of our church, which he professed a belief in, and still does. Cheating is also against the teachings of our church. So, one can see that even a strong belief in his church doesn't stop him from doing what he is tempted to do - perhaps the lack of boundaries that his father should've enforced?). I know that I reacted very badly - was not calm, but shouting and crying. I was really, really angry - slowly, I started having anger issues that I hadn't had since before our M (I had anger problems due to various events in my life, such as losing my parents when I was 16 and 21, being dated raped when still a virgin - it took me a long time to get over that, losing twin baby boys at 5 months pregnant in my first very abusive M, physically and emotionally. I thought I had overcome it all, when I met and married my H). I feel badly about reacting so angrily (and no longer have those anger issues anymore since going into C for it again), but this happened when we were living in a new country, and new city, he was travelling away from home with work, so I only saw him on weekends (and he has the audacity to use some of that precious time with his family to view porn). I didn't know anyone, didn't know who to turn to, had four children to care for, couldn't return to our home country which is dangerous, and I just went ballistic (no excuses, just an explanation at how stressed I was at that time). Something inside me died - I think it was trust.

Anyway, he did go into counselling, and a lot of stuff came to the surface. Things he had bottled up, from his childhood. His mother left his father when he was away on a camp, so he came home, and she was gone (she then left the country with her OM and went to live in Germany for a couple of years). His father is a rather unaffectionate man, and didn't place any boundaries on his two sons left at home with him, so had no clue what was going on - they would have parties with drinking at a very young age - I am surprised he managed to finish school, with really good marks, and is such a good dad himself (his father was also a serial cheater, and even after he married his second wife had many affairs - just the way he is, I guess, although he is in his seventies now, and his second W has stood by him regardless - she is a born again Christian).

During this traumatic time, my H was sexually abused and introduced to porn by a man who rented an apartment on their property. This was, I believe, between the ages of 12 and 14/15 (I think it started soon after his mother left, which was when he was 12). My H is not gay or very extreme, but rather likes straight sex like in the porn movies (by this I mean, emotionless, no words of affection, very little foreplay, just S), which I do not like, in that I feel rather dirty, even while I am aroused by it (very conflicted). I think this is what led to my LD. At one time, I would insist on a massage, at the very least, so that I felt some emotional connection before ML. Anyway, the C declared him cured of his addiction to porn, spoke to me at length about his childhood, and I thought and hoped that the worse was behind us. I was shocked by what the C told me, but I tried to understand, was empathetic, and cry for the child he was (I became extremely protective of my children on hearing how easy it was for someone to take advantage), but my H is an adult now, and is responsible for his actions now, and how they affect not only his own life, but mine and our children's.

Gosh! This is the first time I have ever told anyone his secret (the abuse, I mean). I feel like I am betraying his trust, but I know that this forum has some anonymity, so it's not like he'll know - I guess. I just don't know what else to do.

CL, I think you are right with regard to his not having any real consequences for his behaviour - now or ever. I always end up forgiving him, and things would be fine for awhile. I have never left, so all he does is weather the storm, and he knows that, ultimately, I will forgive - not forget maybe, but I do forgive. However, I am getting to a point now, that I will not be able to forgive that easily. I am thinking it may be time to follow through, and leave. It's been too many years of total disregard for my feelings, to the point that I went through periods of extreme self hate, thinking I was not worthy of being cared for, that I was lower than any porn 'star' prostituting herself on the screen - my self esteem has been very low. I can't blame my H for that. I allowed myself to be treated with disrespect - yes, it was because I loved him, and cared about him, but that is no excuse. I think, as you say CL, I have been enabling him, and that has got to stop. I just don't know how to do that, except to leave the M. However, this will be so sad for my D14, who loves her dad, and went through so much trauma during the time of his A. I just don't know if I can put her through that again. My D19 is still traumatized by the whole A (seemed to affect her the most), and felt herself betrayed by her father - I think this is why she has attached herself to a much older man, and is now pregnant. There has been so much fall-out from it all, and by my staying, I feel that I either allowed some stability or made things worse by perhaps not letting my girls see that you don't allow your H to treat you with such disrespect, and continue lying.

So, I come to another problem now - my feelings of being trapped. I feel I have no power over my own life. This is probably why I have been studying, and GAL, to feel I have something that is mine alone. I have worked so hard to regain my own self esteem, and am so happy with the person I am now, after all these years. I don't want to throw that away.

I want to emphasize that not all of my M was bad. There have been whole bunches of years where we were very happy. We did a lot as a family - going on trips, doing stuff together, even leaving our home country and facing a new life in our new country together. There are just those issues that have just never been resolved between my H and I, because of his avoidance tactics, and I think this has trickled into our children's lives, and left a certain amount of toxicity. All I can say is that I did what I thought best at any given time, and he probably did too. I felt my H was a good man at his core, that had been dealt a bad hand as far as his childhood went, and was worth giving the chances I gave him. I am generally a positive person, and believe the good in people. I am somewhat cynical now, since the A, but am still hopeful about life. I am sure this doesn't come across here, since I am writing about very painful things in my life. I do not define myself by the worse that has happened, thankfully, and I do not obsess about it all. Once a day, I give it thought then get on with my day, and just recently have been posting about it again. Thank goodness, this forum gives one an outlet to vent, and put ones thoughts into writing and maybe get some clarity.

If you got this far, then thanks for reading my journalling and venting. I am trying to make sense of it all. I went to IC soon after we arrived here 18 months ago, and it really helped me a lot. However, it still doesn't help my H resolve his own issues. I just don't know what to do - it seems to come down to stay or leave, no in-between solution. I just wish that he could see what his actions (or lack of action) are doing to me, and take me seriously, but I don't think he can .... see, that is. He has these blinders on, and I don't know how to get them off.

And, once again, we are in a new city, where I don't know anyone, and don't want to burden my friends or family in our old city, or back in our home country with my problems. And, once again, he will be travelling away from home, being only here on weekends. I am not sure if that will be a good thing or not. At least, I have just the two children at home, and my son is 19 (so, an adult), and my D14 is a pretty responsible kid who rarely gives us any problems, but she is at a sensitive age.

Anyway, that's more or less everything. Take care, y'all.