FWIW Runner...because YOU recognize the issue it's not wise to sit back and wait for your H to do things. You recognize the issue so you should step up and address it, by as you said communicating and trying things.
GEL
The problem is...when we went to counseling...he knew we had issues. Now we have stopped counseling and we have been just moving forward. I am afraid to open up the can of worms so to speak...I know I need too. I figure the less confrontational way would be to suggest reading the 5LL book.
to clarify...we haven't been really moving forward though...we just aren't fighting like we did....we aren't as bitter as we were....we are not living such separate lives under the same roof.
Has anyone recommended the book "The Five Love Languages" to you yet? If not, check it out...it's a quick read and pretty enlightening. Might give you a place to begin looking at what needs (besides sex...and including it) are going unmet for your H and help build some intimacy.
There's also a quiz for each of you. If you think he'd take it great, let him...take yours too. Our MC also gave us copies of the quiz for our spouse and had us take them and see if we were anywhere close in what WE thought their love languages were. My H and I were actually pretty close, but it was informative because it also gave us a place to start a discussion on WHY they were needs for us....and what each of us would perceive as the other filling that need (specifically).
Once you identify his needs...then you can attempt to fill them.
GEL
I appreciate your time GEL, you have been very proactive in this for me...and it helps to hear all the advice. I will start the book. Did it help your situation?
I completely agree with you it's not about "changing" yourself. You can improve your marriage drastically...and still stay true to who you are. It's about looking inside yourself to see what you can improve within your marriage....from your side, and taking accountability for that, then working on it as YOU can. It's about really taking a close look at yourself to see "am I really doing what it takes to meet his needs?"...those aren't changes, that's just self analysis and self-awareness within the marriage. It's also about not hiding your true feelings, not being afraid to speak up in your own marriage, and asking for what YOU need too....communication.
Those are the same things we tell men to do as well.
This may come across as facetious, but I don't mean it to be. Its hard to communicate effectively sometimes with just words.
If I want my W to go from someone who is not affectionate with anyone, doesn't care about making sex fun or frequent, would rather just sit at home and visit with family to someone who is overtly affectionate with me, wants to have fun and frequent sex, and is willing to explore the world, how would you categorize that? Would it not really be asking them to "change who they are?"
I guess what Fearless has been saying to me makes sense. I have been dodging the truth too much, phrasing it as "learning new skills" or "changing the R not the person" or even "getting rid of all the false layers to become who you truly are." But shouldn't people, as committed life partners, be willing to change things about ourselves to make the M work? That is what I have been doing (although not entirely successfully) with my self-esteem work. I'd like to think that what I am doing is finally being true to myself, but effectively I have changed how I act, speak, and feel. And considering I have ALWAYS had low self-esteem, this really is a change from who I was.
Again, I really don't intend this to come across whiny or facetious. I am just searching for the right way to wrap my mind around these concepts.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
runner, It's about looking inside yourself to see what you can improve within your marriage....from your side, and taking accountability for that, then working on it as YOU can. It's about really taking a close look at yourself to see "am I really doing what it takes to meet his needs?"...those aren't changes, that's just self analysis and self-awareness within the marriage. It's also about not hiding your true feelings, not being afraid to speak up in your own marriage, and asking for what YOU need too....communication.
GEL
perfectly stated...and i do believe since MC I have started that process of really appreciating the burdens my H has in running his own company. I also feel that my energy was in the past...selfish. I would only think about me and feeling good and going out to get that attention i wanted from the weight loss. But ultimately, I needed to remember that I was and am a mother and a wife. Feeling good about myself doesn't need to come from others attention toward me...but from the great mother I am and wife. And also, feeling good about myself ultimately has to come from within andnot from anyone else. Attention from others is a dangerous thing.
runner... I don't think staying true to yourself and making changes to improve the relationship are mutually exclusive. You really have to do both things, just as you have to express what it is that you need from your partner while remaining open minded toward giving him ( or her) what he needs. I was interested in your H's communication style because I have found that my own H, who is also a reserved, conflict avoider, had a bit of trouble really acknowledging to me what he wanted and putting it on the table, so to speak. That made it essier for me to remain in my corner with my list of grievances, and not recognize he was in pain too.
runner... I don't think staying true to yourself and making changes to improve the relationship are mutually exclusive. You really have to do both things, just as you have to express what it is that you need from your partner while remaining open minded toward giving him ( or her) what he needs. I was interested in your H's communication style because I have found that my own H, who is also a reserved, conflict avoider, had a bit of trouble really acknowledging to me what he wanted and putting it on the table, so to speak. That made it essier for me to remain in my corner with my list of grievances, and not recognize he was in pain too.
I think you are 100% right. I have been very selfish complaining about how unhappy I am when he is probably just as unhappy and probably feels like he is walking on eggshells depending on what my feelings are especially towards s. He has said he feels like some kind of pervert because he initiates all the time and I typically avoid it.
This has been a great opportunity to learn more about my M problems and also to get some clarity on my H situation. I am hopeful...whereas before I just felt sad and depressed and lonely.
Question...I have been sharing info about this site with a friend who is equally in a rut in their marriage. We confide. It probably is unwise since we are of the opposite sex..and the EA is starting I feel. I look forward to seeing the person and talking with them. Will that go away or does it always exist and you just learn to realize that "the grass always seems greener...but isn't" I don't even like typing this out because I feel ashamed at the fact that I post that I am trying to work on my marriage...yet I still find myself Physically attracted to other people. I never was physically attracted to anyone else earlier in my marriage. This kinda came out of nowhere.
