I've been asking myself how that happened and feeling confused. I can only say that in the presence of H, I lose myself. He knows what I want to hear and how to use my feelings to sway my resolve. I've only recently realized to what extent this happens, thanks to an amazing friend who has not allowed me to succumb entirely. I think it goes back to insecurities I grew up with, but in this process I have dropped most of them. Still getting used to life without the baggage, and finding myself stumbling. But I'm getting better at picking myself up and moving forward.
So. Another big hill on Aud's rollercoaster in the past twenty four hours:
I left H a note last night saying that while I appreciate the efforts he has made in the last week, I have to stand for two things in our marriage--without these actions, I can see no future for us: he needs to start trying to find a new job and we need counseling. I said I need some space and will be away for a few days.
Now, before y'all lay into me, I need to say that there are many reasons the job has to go...I realize that change has to come from within H, but I don't see any of it happening while he is at his current place of employment. And the counseling thing is obvious.
So he left me voice messages last night saying he's done trying to make me happy and will proceed with D. Then he emailed, accusing me of being too perfect and unforgiving. (Huh? If he only knew just how much I have forgiven him and want to be here for him.) After the accusations though, he apologized for what he's done and said he will start working on making things right with God.
I've remained silent thus far. I feel that a lot of what he said was manipulation (don't we all try to manipulate in our own ways?), but some of it seemed really sincere and just breaks my heart.
H's parents are finally stepping in and asked to meet with both of us this evening. I think that's as close to counseling as he'll come, but I'm willing to see how it goes. I just can't let myself be in the sitch anymore without a true change of heart from H. I have prayed for so long. It's all in God's hands now. I'm ready to walk into the next chapter.
