Could Use Some Input Over here

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, guys, here's an update. He actually initiated last night. He looked @ me across the table (after boys were in bed) and said "I know you want it" - well, I went to take a shower & he came in & joined me. Yeah!!!

Then, he initiated again this a.m., but again I don't know for sure if he "O'd" this a.m. Last night he did, but not sure about this a.m. I always knew before when he did, because like I said we hardly ever had sex and so it was almost instant and I always knew when he did. Things are different now in that we go longer, etc. and I'm not always sure if & when he "O's" and he used to just be done once he did, but now we go for awhile even after he does. Anyway, not sure if he did this a.m. or not. Didn't ask. Figured I wasn't going to go there anymore. I can't let it bother me. I think the fact that we have been having sex pretty much every day and it's the times when we have just had sex and then do again that he sometimes doesn't "O." Maybe it's just the amount of sex and the fact that w/ the AD, it takes longer sometimes.

I know the fact that he is leaving is really starting to bother him. He has a history of depression, as does his dad -- his dad was even hospitalized for it -- and H allows himself to get very stressed out about things. He seemed really down this a.m. and I'm going to just try to be very supportive of him these next 3 wks before he leaves b/c I know it is hard leaving the boys (and hopefully me).

I'm not going to allow my mind to start going wild about what it COULD BE. PMA, right??

[chromosphere]

Balto,

Thanks for linking that. I had forgotten about that convo.

I think there are some important lessons that you can learn about Rs by looking critically at EAs. For instance, I believe that in most cases, an EA is not ALL about the "fog." There are usually legitimate reasons to be attracted to OP. There may be legitimate reasons to think that had you and OP met while single, that you could have had a great R/M. Many of the M troubles that you may share with OP are probably legitimate problems. I don't think it is correct to say that the entire A is predicated on the "first date" mindset or chemicals or whatever. It may be in some extreme cases. I think what it does do is causes people to ignore the other side of the coin. That there are almost always negatives between two people, no matter how compatible they seem on the surface. That your M, although it may be bad, has some positives and most likely has potential for change. I think what the fog really does is make you forget the idea that two of the most compatible people can be divorced within a year if they don't try to make it work, and that two of the least compatible people can have a happy marriage if they are willing to do whatever it takes to find compromise. As NOPkins says "love is a choice." The fog causes you to forget that. It is so enticing to go for the feelings that come without any work.

The point of all that Cadesmom is along the same lines of what Fearless wrote, EAs are understandable. Wrong, but understandable. But it doesn't mean your H is a bad person, just a person who has made bad choices. I think he has it in him to be the SO that you want, he just needs to break out of the fog and begin thinking more clearly about what he has (a M to you) and what he doesn't have (a proper R with OW).

I hope the story you related to us this morning is a step in the right direction. As I mentioned earlier, one way to get out of the fog is to see clearly that you have something worthwhile in your M.

Chrome

[RedHeadWife]

As I have said, no R talk has happened since we began piecing "this time" and this has been the longest period of time since the D bomb that things have been good w/ us. I think we are truly on our way, however, I think H is still working on "loving" me again in "that way." I know he loves me, but I also know that he had gotten so far away from any sort of "romantic love" for me that it's going to take awhile for him to truly feel that again and so I'm just being patient.

I'm just so glad that he is where he is right now; he's come a very long way. The fact that he is initiating S is a huge thing and tells me that he is finally "working" on our M too; it's not just me doing all the piecing.

Of course, there is always that doubt niggling in the back of my mind that he will "allow himself" to begin to feel like it's not worth the "effort and work" and allow himself to choose not to love me and keep our M together and our family together, however, I know I need to just let that go for now. PMA until he leaves and then just be supportive and loving and take care of our boys while he's gone.

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, experts, here's my next question: it seemed as if when the D bomb was dropped and all the high drama w/ everything, I wanted S ALL THE TIME and had an "O" at the drop of the hat. Now that we are having S all the time, my drive is down & not "O'ing" as much. Is this some sort of phenomenon or something? Or is it just that I'm getting it enough that I'm just being normal?

[chromosphere]

Not an expert but ...

I'm guessing that drama from D threat produces some of the same chemicals that drama from first dates or drama from A's. In some people, drama is the "spice of life."

OTOH, regular sex can produce a "ho hum" no-drama type feeling in those same people.

Of course, it very well could be that your drive during D bomb was just much higher than you would be naturally, so you are just setting into what your body is most comfortable with.

Would your H be willing to spice things up a bit?

JM2C

Chrome

[RedHeadWife]

Yeah and I could add some more spice too. I was just wondering what you guys thought. I'm definitely not going to allow things to go "ho hum" or back to how they were so I'll make sure I/we work on it After all, I only have 2 1/2 wks before he's gone for a year w/ only 1 visit home during that time! Better make sure I take advantage of the time!!

BTW, things are still going really well for us!! More & more talk about future ranch that we want, saving $$ while he's gone, budgeting, etc. which obviously would not be happening if he was still thinking D!!

[NewJourney]

Cadsmom, I found when our sex life returned to normal ( well, not really normal as we hardly had sex before and now we ML 2-3 times a week) my desire went down. I made a promise to myself not to allow myself go become LD again now that things were on track. Some weeks I am entirely LD, and others my drive comes back very strongly. I have ekpt our sex life the same, though.

[NewJourney]

sorry for typos...my dog was distacting me. Blame it on the dog, right, Journey.

[RedHeadWife]

I think that's a huge part of the big picture: we have to make sure that we don't forget what we have learned through our sitch's and make sure that what was being put on the "back burner" never gets luke warm again.

It honestly takes an effort and that's pretty much how we all got where we are -- someone, whether it was H or W or both, wasn't putting effort into the things that need to be nutured in an M, even through all the daily stresses w/ work, kids, etc., etc.

[RedHeadWife]

I think you guys here will be the only ones that understand how I am feeling now.

I'm beginning to feel a lot of resentment towards H. As he is leaving in 2 wks for a year deployment, I do not want to talk at all about the R b/c things are going so well for us. He's acting "as if" nothing ever happened; as if he never dropped the D bomb and said & did everything else he has over the past 3+ mnths.

However, here I am wondering EXACTLY what is going on in his head. Also thinking about HIS downfalls in the M (specifically A's) which have never been addressed -- as far as H was concerned, everything was my fault.

Now, everything is great & wonderful for H and I'm left to deal w/ my inner emotions, etc. about all that has happened.

I don't plan to talk to him about any of this, as I don't want to "start anything" right before he leaves. I know I really need to just work through all of this myself and will have plenty of time to do that when he leaves.