Is this really my life??? - First post!

[butterflymom]

H came over for dinner last night. It went really well. We got along great and talked about lots of things. As the kids were getting ready for bed he told me that he wanted to ask me a favor. I told him OK. He then prefaced it by saying that he had no right to ask me for anything considering what had gone on and what he had done and what he was doing, but it would mean a lot to him if I didn't see anyone unless we were divorced. He then said that he had his reasons for asking me that, but that he'd rather not talk about them right now. What do you think that means?????

I told him that he was right, he didn't have the right to ask me that considering that he was living with someone else, but that I wasn't planning to date or see anyone because I didn't think it would be right for me. I made it very clear that I wasn't doing it for him, but because from my standpoint of standing for our marriage I wouldn't be true to me if I did.

I then told him that I had been thinking about some things for the past couple of weeks and there was something that I needed to tell him. I told him that I didn't think we should ML anymore. I then explained that it wasn't because I didn't want him or find him incredibly attractive and sexy (that was one of his issues, he said that he felt I didn't find him attractive), but that I felt I was being hypocritical by sleeping with him. I told him that I did not approve of what he was doing right now and I did not approve of him living with someone else and I felt that by having sex with him I might be sending him the message that I did approve. I also told him I was incredibly weak when it came to him and that everytime I saw him I wanted him, and that this is not what I wanted to do, but it's what I had to do until he was ready to act like my husband. I told him that I would still be his friend and would still do anything for him or be there to talk about anything he needed to talk about.

A lot of other stuff was said. We talked for over an hour. It was initiated by him so that was good. I feel God gave me an opening last night and I needed to take advantage of it. He cried, I cried we held each other the entire time. We talked about how we got to where we are right now and I sincerely apologized for my part in the downfall of our marriage. I have apologized before, but he said last night that I never meant it before then. That I always prefaced it with "if I did. . ." He's probably right. I didn't use "if" last night. I actually started to and then caught myself and changed it.

He's scared to death of losing me as a friend. Told me he always wants us to remain close. I was honest and told him that I wasn't sure that was possible. He interprets that to mean that if I do find someone else that I will cut our friendship. I told him that we would always be friends in some capacity, but that if we were to split permanently and I moved on then I couldn't have the close emotional attachment to him that I have now. I let him know that I see where close emotional ties between members of the opposite sex can lead and that I couldn't be true to a new relationship and still have those close bonds with him as well. I also made sure he knew that I wasn't looking for that right now. That I'm standing for our marriage and that I'm in it for the long haul.

It was hard, but it was a good talk. I was glimpses of the old H. I know I've still got a long road ahead. I know he's no where near done with this, but a lot of things were said that needed said and hopefully he'll remember some of them.