I am not sure of other countries laws...as I do know that some areas of the world look down upon women and view them as property of men...but I would think most places would not tolerate domestic abuse...especially with children in the house...
You really do need to get away from this situation...what you did was wrong but nothing you did deserves physical abuse...plain and simple!
ITA
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
....H hit me in the face with a hard plastic container thing we used to scoop water with....a dipper...don't know if have that in the states. he hit me with it after he threw some water at me.
OK. This is pretty serious and of course uncalled for. He should not have done that to you.
i was afraid at that time, i could feel my whole body tremble.
Of course you were afraid, and you should have been. My question is, and maybe this has been answered before?
Is this the first time he's done anything like this to you?
....i'm avoiding him now and i sleep in the Ds room.
So I think this is a good idea. But my other question would be this?
Has he shown any sign or remorse for what he did? Has he comme to you and told you he was sorry? Any guilt?
My guess is no?
Let me ask a few more questions if I may?
How do you feel about this now? Are you afraid he might do this again, or maybe worse?
Take care, and hope to hear from you again soon.
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
Of course you were afraid, and you should have been. My question is, and maybe this has been answered before?
Is this the first time he's done anything like this to you?
--it's the 5th time in the whole 13 years that he laid a hand on me--
Quote:
Has he shown any sign or remorse for what he did? Has he comme to you and told you he was sorry? Any guilt?
--u're right, H didn't apologize or anything--
Quote:
How do you feel about this now? Are you afraid he might do this again, or maybe worse?
--what happened made me more afraid of him. i avoid H in order to avoid conversation that would spark his temper again.
i feel it's a status qou right now. it's like being there, but not there,...... like a zombie.
GAL would be an option. but wouldn't it selfish of me again to just think about my self?....end my suffering? for sure i can't bring the Ds with me.....H would not give them to me.....i can't afford to raise them. on the otherhand, who'd take care of the Ds? would it be better for them or worst? i've seen children from broken homes suffer. D10 say she'd commit suicide if i leave. it's painful hearing that from her......so sensitive to whats happening in our home. phew.... i can't forgive myself even more.
what country are you in? It matters. I hear what you're saying about hurting for your daughters....of course you want to be with them.. But it is not selfish for you to GAL. If you think it's selfish, you don't understand what it means to GAL. Getting a Life means finding things/activities/people you enjoy doing or being with (no OM) and enriching your life so that you are happier AND that teaches your children/ daughters to do the same. Right now, you are modelling victim behavior for them by allowing this. "THAT WHICH WE ALLOW, WE ENCOURAGE."
Don't teach your children how to be victims. Teach them how to find the strength within, to live a life without abuse, and without shame. Let go of your past as it is crippling you now. What's done is done. You cannot undo it, and he cannot hold this over your head forever. Besides, he has hit you before and there was NO affair then. He's a bully, and whatever else...While I am not justifying your short lived "A" - there are obvious reasons for it. Your M has serious fundamental problems and is literally physically threatening to you. That has to stop and ONLY YOU can stop this. Like I said, it matters what country you are in, for there are ways you can get out of this that are easier in some parts of the world, even in Muslim countries.
If it were me, (and I live in the USA) I'd rather rent a room in my sister's basement, than let my kids see me with a black eye from their dad. I'd share a bed with my kids in that basement room, read stories to them and tuck them in at night, in peace, inside my one room place, eating hot dogs and macaroni and cheese, rather than living in a mansion with steak every night, with FEAR and SHAME....
I know in my heart, your kids would rather you tuck them into a bed they share with you in a tiny cramped apartment, than to deal with what they already have been through. Your daughter's suicide comment SHOWS us that she is already being damaged by what is going on. You are Not making it better FOR HER, by staying. I think she wants to get out of there WITH you....we want to help. I don't mean to tell you what to do, just wanting to help. What country are you in? Why won't you say? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi r. Sorry no reply for a while. I'll quote you in bold:
--it's the 5th time in the whole 13 years that he laid a hand on me--
Well dear, that would be about five times too many, perhaps four if you were an exceptionally forgiving person.
--u're right, H didn't apologize or anything--
This is the saddest thing to me. My senses tell me he probably feels that his actions are justified. His anger might be...
--what happened made me more afraid of him. i avoid H in order to avoid conversation that would spark his temper again.
And why wouldn't you feel that way. Fearing his temper. Fearing what might happen next. Wanting to avoid 'provoking' him.
i feel it's a status qou right now. it's like being there, but not there,...... like a zombie.
I can understand this. Still feel this way?
GAL would be an option. but wouldn't it selfish of me again to just think about my self?
Selfish? Maybe. Self-preservation? Definitely.
for sure i can't bring the Ds with me.....H would not give them to me.....i can't afford to raise them.
Well, this is a difficult situation, and perhaps is the answer to the question that's been banging around in my head since I read this post.
D10 say she'd commit suicide if i leave. it's painful hearing that from her......so sensitive to whats happening in our home. phew....
Well, this makes it even tougher. At some point, you have to weigh staying and perhaps having this happen again against giving up your kids. I don't envy you that choice, only say I can understand why you'd choose either way, and the difficulty that lies in even making such a difficult choice.
i can't forgive myself even more.
You have to forgive yourself. Did you make a mistake? Sure. Learn from it, don't repeat it. It's all you can do. You are human, right?
And another thing. Don't you dare feel like his actions are your fault. He's done this before, and if he wasn't using your "mistake" as justification, I expect it just would be something else.
thamks for being there guys.....
Sorry I didn't make it by sooner.
Take care, and hope things are going better.
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
Thanks for stopping by on R's thread again. Also, thanks for your thorough response to her.
R, Stoic is right about everything.
The major concern here is that you feel so stuck right now. You cannot leave or ask H to leave due to family pressure and the social norms of the culture you live in it seems. Also, the financial aspect. So not, sure what kind of support you would want from us at this point.
Let us know how you are doing today and you know that if you need emotional support, we're here for you. Unfortunately, living in different countries, it's impossible to offer anything else other than that. In the U.S., not too long ago, I helped rescue a domestic help from a abusive, neglectful and slavery-type situation with the help of a local agency and a good samaritan lawyer. I'm at a loss on how else to support you... But hang in there and you're a good person and you do not, I repeat, do not deserve the treatment your H is meting out to you. Violence is wrong. Plain and simple!
rainbowlove ------------------ ALL IS HERE AND SO MUCH MORE IS COMING!
I'm sorry you have had so much in your life. You're in a great place for support and comfort---you have the best in the folks who have responded to you.
You've said so much....so I want to respond to a few things. Remember only Michele and the DB Coaches are professionals as far as advice. Moderators and the other folks on the board are not. And I urge you to find an SBT therapist (first choice).
You've had a lot in your past, and to understand it all would take years. The one of the premises of SBT therapy is that understanding why something happens will not help you make the changes that are necessary. Making certain changes will improve your life whether you understand the whys.
Making changes that improve your life is what DB is about. You make a change, and monitor the results of that change. If it works for you, keep doing it, if it doesn't --- stop.
While with our care for you--we want you to leave to be safe. I am hearing from you that is just not going to be able to happen right now.
What actions/behaviors of yours in the past has precipitated peace and kindness from your husband? Do those things now. (I'll bet you already are instinctively).
Do you have good friends and/or family around you (if you said so, I missed it)?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
