One thing I do know is that he hates confrontation, or discussing anything negative - he would far rather try and bury any issues, and pretend it didn't happen, and move on from there. However, an A is something I cannot just overlook, and I need to see something constructive from him that tells me he is plugging into this M, and making an effort to be trustworthy. I just see the same avoidance behaviour, and I am just not going to tolerate it this time. He must either step up to the plate or we leave the field.
However, he stopped wanting to ML when I asked him if we could have gentler, more romantic, and intimate ML on occasion. And, that is what hurts, and why I stopped initiating.
Being, Your post gives me a better perspective on your situation. There are many more positives than what's been alluded to in your prior posts. However, this is a SSM, and headed for a D IMO, if this area doesn't improve.
I'm concerned that he doesn't accept your invitation to have a gentler, more romantic type of ML. Why wouldn't he want to make his W happy sexually? I think there are one of two reasons--he's being passive-aggressive, or he's emotionally disconnected from the M (except on a platonic level). It's possible he's avoidant around the sexual area, but this would imply he wants to have sex, but there are performance issues, or fear of rejection.
I wonder if he has a sex drive, and masturbates or has a LD? Does he look at other woman? Does he have erections?
Does he seem depressed? Is life a joy for him or full of problems? Does he have enough enjoyable activities in his week to keep him playful and vital, or too much time spent with responsibilities? Does he connect well to other people? Does he harbor anger and resentment, or tranform negative emotions into something more positive? What does he need to work on to be a happier person?
I'm concerned about this avoidant pattern of his. Has this been a long-standing problem? Does he acknowledge this as a problem? Has he made any progress with this over the years?
There's a book that I've read called, "Changing for Good," by James Prochaska. It's about the stages of change regarding any type of behavior that is difficult to change--smoking, drinking, overeating, etc.. You can read the book, and evaluate what stage of change regarding his avoidant behavior is. The book will then guide you on what you can do to facilitate him to the next stage. My guess is you will be asked to consider if you're enabling him or appropriately holding him accountable.
My guess is a "wait-and-see" approach isn't the best way to address the problems you're describing. It serves to reinforce his maladaptive behaviors. I think he will have to be in a position where he will be forced to make a choice to change his patterns or face consequences he cannot live with. He seems to be willing to accept the status quo, and is too entrenched in his patterns to change on his own initiative.
CL
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
