The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Thanks for posting your thoughts, CL. I really appreciate getting a fresh POV, because I am pretty much stuck. Yeah, my attitude probably does come across as blaming. And, I don't post our conversations word for word, but try and focus on where I feel the more important part of the convo lay, which probably doesn't give anyone a complete view. When my H said he didn't like confrontation, I did tell him that I know this and understood, but that I was not confronting him, but rather trying to understand where we stood. Look, we have been married for 21 years. I know my H very well, or, I thought I did until the A. One thing I do know is that he hates confrontation, or discussing anything negative - he would far rather try and bury any issues, and pretend it didn't happen, and move on from there. However, an A is something I cannot just overlook, and I need to see something constructive from him that tells me he is plugging into this M, and making an effort to be trustworthy. I just see the same avoidance behaviour, and I am just not going to tolerate it this time. He must either step up to the plate or we leave the field.

Maybe, we are just not compatible. I am at a loss as to what to do. I do love him, but I just don't see myself trusting him again - not the way things are going. I know I have made many mistakes in our M, and I have tried really hard to change, and he has certainly noticed. I used to get very angry, but I don't anymore, which he has also noticed. I try and approach him as gently as I can, but he still sees it as confrontational. So, I find myself withdrawing into my own life, and getting on with my own thing. Hey, I can go without sex indefinitely. I used to be the LD spouse, and he would complain, and beg me to see psychologists, and a doctor to see if there was anything biologically or mentally wrong (and I did just to please him, and save our M at that time), but I cannot say anything to him now that it seems he is LD, because I am 'confrontational'. But, I wonder if that is any way to live a married life. While going through the whole A thing, I always initiated S, and he had no problem with that, and I am sure that doing so again, would give the required response, albeit the usual 'scratch the itch' kind of ML. However, he stopped wanting to ML when I asked him if we could have gentler, more romantic, and intimate ML on occasion. And, that is what hurts, and why I stopped initiating. It's been more than a year since I verbalized that need (and, I was always shy before in requesting anything in the sex department, and now I can see maybe I was right not to have bothered before). I have been DBing for more than 3 years, and was successful, in the most part. This is the only issue left, really, and I am getting resentful, I must admit. I have tried many different ways of trying to communicate my concerns to him, but he just doesn't like discussing these intimate things. Perhaps, we should go back to MC, or even try the Retrouiville way. I will check and see when they are next running a weekend in our vicinity.

Ugh! It's all just too depressing and complicated, so I think I'm just going to let it go for now, and see what happens in the next couple of months. It really is up to him now. Maybe, once he is travelling, and only home on weekends, he will find he misses me, and will be more forthcoming in the more romantic ML department. I just cannot figure him out at this point.

Here are some positives:
We do talk - just not about R issues
We are affectionate
We are respectful of each other
We go to bed at the same time and do snuggle for a bit
He doesn't appear to be having an A
He is open to taking dance lessons, or learning a new language with me, or something else like sailing
He is still a great dad
He is supportive in my studying
We still go on our dates (I have certainly not told him I am starting to find them boring - wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, so I will make suggestions for trying something else on date night, like go bowling)

So! It's not all bad.

Phoenix - I hope things continue improving as it seems they are doing. Don't worry about your W not wanting to sit next to you during FHE ... just play it cool. FHE is such a great thing for families.