After lurking here quite a while, it seems that everything is made to fit into a few categories: LD spouse vs HD spouse being the primary model, with what little ML there is being low quality.
How about the woman who enjoys it, but actively avoids it unless they are "in the mood", and that is only when everything is perfect and there are no worries or demands in their lives.
When she does go along with it although not in the mood, she has a great time, but that doesn't seem to have any effect on her behavior pattern. Anything less than a perfect life means she is not in the mood, and she sees no problem with this. So what if we haven't done it in 6 months, she says? 10 years ago we did it twice a week, and I'm the same gal, so you must have done something to mess things up, but then she says she doesn't see anything wrong with the "frequency" ...
How do you break this cycle without a bunch of arguing?
You compare the quality and the quantity of the sex you get when you do manage to do everything right, to the amount of pain you have to go through in order to "earn" it.
Then you determine whether the pain is worth the gain. If it is, you continue jumping through the hoops and accepting what you get.
If it isn't, you stop playing the game and just masturbate.
Either way, you refuse to waste one precious moment of the rest of your life "arguing" about it. You'll never "argue" this type into shaping up.
Do you think you could persuade your wife to read Michele's book, "The Sex Starved Marriage"?
The first chapter is posted at the top of the topic list on this forum. If you haven't read it, I would suggest that you do. I think you will find that Michele does a remarkable job of representing a male's point of view regarding a sex starved marriage.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I think the suggestion that she read any book on marriage would offend her, because she sees her behavior as either normal, or justifiable. From my experience, the vast majority of women have either no clue as to the man's point of view, or a very warped but traditional view that serves women as an excuse, by painting men as the problem.
Offending your wife may be the only way to reach her. She isn't going to recognize your need until you make her aware of it. She isn't likely to change her opinion until she understands that her actions are damaging the relationship.
Painless changes in a relationship appear to be fairly rare.
You might want to consider printing out the first chapter and asking her to read it. Tell her that you feel like the author is talking about you in it.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have told her directly and as nice as I can why I have a problem with her behavior. I do not believe in doing things to "earn" sex or anything else in marriage. I do all that stuff because it is the right thing to do, not because I am trying to move someone's feelings about me.
In the past, I did try the gradual approach, but it only works temporarily, and from what I read here, it doesn't work in other relationships, either. I think the spouse who is witholding affection of any kind (and it is a concious witholding in every case), needs to make a commitment to meeting some minimum level of response, whether they feel like it or not. You can't run hot and cold, and play some trading game where maybe you'll ramp up in response to the other person bending over backwards. That is not commitment.
So I guess I am trying to figure out how to make the W realize that I am not interested in casual ML a few times on her schedule. Anything less than 10 or 12 times a year is no better than zero. If you haven't been responsive for months, don't bother to do it one month, then take another three month break. Show you are serious by doing it several days in a row, or scheduling ML and sticking to it, until you figure out what your problem is.
Coming from an LD wife, my wake up call -- the D bomb -- has made all the difference. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying drop the D bomb, I'm just saying trying to get her to read the book and slightly offending her or making her mad, may be what needs to happen.
I have all sorts of drive now -- he's having to fight me off!!!! Sometimes, if what you have done or are doing doesn't work, you need to try a different approach.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Dropping th D-Bomb in my case won't fix my relationship, my wife would have no problem with divorce. My wife comes from a very dysfunctioanl family, and everyone in her family has failed at marriage. THe real problem is that they SUPPORT each other in making their divorce decisions, so the reinforce each other in believing that marriages just don't last forever anymore. Divorce is NORMAL to them.
I guess I am not making myself clear. I am at the point where if she was in the mood I would ask her if this is a one night stand that is supposed to last us for 90 days, or is she actually turning the corner and committing to intimacy, not just sex, every day.
IOW, how do you get from nearly nothing to something on the way to normal in one jump, wondering if the rare occasions are the start of some change, or the last time you'll ever ML?
