I know I will make everyone yell at me but I can't do this. I know that I only stood a very short time but I am not cut out for this.
I want to start by telling everyone that I did indeed love my H deeply and will always love him. We did have a marriage that was good for many years. I will always remember this marriage as one that was good and produced many beautiful memories and my two beautiful children. This last year was gradually getting worse and I do believe my H is having a MLC.
One of the problems is that I have developed very deep feelings for another person. I have been a friend and co-worker to this man for 16 years and I admit I started to develop feelings for him 3 years ago when we worked together closely. I purposely distanced myself from him and got transferred to another project so I wouldn't be tempted. His wife died 8 years ago and he has been a wonderful father to his sons. When I mentioned my situation to him (the news is flying around work), he was very sympathetic to me since he knew what it was like to lose a spouse and have to be a single parent.
We have had many conversations and we are so compatible and want the same things in life. Today, he admitted his feelings to me and talked about wanting a deeper relationship with me and the possibility of getting married in the future some day. He said he can't take the risk of getting his heart broken and wants to just be friends until I have time to decide what I want to do. This man is so good and would be a great father to my children. I feel like I was spiraling in depression and he came and pulled me out of it.
I know you all have faith that your H's will come home someday but I don't feel that way. I am a pessimist and not religious, and can't live hoping one day to the next for a slim possibility of some kind or relationship with H in the future. I know I am infatuated with my friend but I felt that way about him years before my H dropped the bomb. I did not go out to meet him and our feelings did not develop just because of my marriage problems.
I feel bad that I can't stand for the sake of my children. I am not going to rush into anything but I can't let this chance slip away. In all these years, I have never met another man who I felt compatible with as I always have with this man.
OK, you can all yell at me now.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Thank you so much Jack. With the recent dating posts, I thought everyone would think I was making a huge mistake, telling me that my feelings aren't real and all that. I think there is so much potential for the future here.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Go with your gut!! We are here to support you and you deserve to be happy.
Friendship turns to love...Believe it or not I knew I was going to marry H b/f I knew his name....we were best friends...H went to MLC land with OW and I got kicked to the curb!
I am headed for D and I hope maybe someday I will feel a connection with someone again!
to love again is a blessing! Go slow and just enjoy the friendship you share....I believe if it is meant to be it will be!
In one of my earlier threads, Was2sad said "As for the dating one day, don't worry about that right now. Be the best person you can be. Be a great friend to all around you. You will look up one day at a friend and find something growing."
That kind of scared me at the time, because I was already feeling things towards my friend, but wanted to push them aside. How did Was2sad know?????
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
No yelling from me. I don't think that religion or pessimism matter. I think we make choices and you're making what you think are the best ones for you an your kids. I wish you a life full of happiness, joy and laughter.
I too 'fell' for someone when my husband left and I can empathize with how you feel. I felt just the same way.Yes it was right for me and I wish you Good luck... but go slowly ahead and tread carefully for all concerned , with your eyes wide open, particularly for your children's sake. And most of all encourage them to talk to you about how they feel. I did do that, but in retrospect, not nearly enough I feel.
Love and light to you
Bislandgal
Love and Light Bislandgal
Re: HELP! Feeling despondent and alone Re: New Thread ....Possibilities????
HalfMissing, this man may be the right person for you. Make sure that you take the same time you would if you were not in this situation, i.e. you are a single woman who was interested in dating a single man but for one reason or another the two of you did not start a R. If you were to start a R, you would go through the normal dating rituals, getting to know each other as a potential mate, ensure compatibility, etc. Right now, you are both hurting and looking to fill the emptiness you feel.
He is missing his deceased wife and misses the companionship that he had with her and you have been hurt to the core by your husband and feel an emptiness that is terrible. It "makes sense" that the two of you come together and start something to ease your individual and separate pain. In any R, you want both to want to be together for real reasons and not to heal a broken heart.
If the two of you can say honestly that neither of you are trying to soothe your own pain, then it sounds as though this R could be a good thing. If it is to help reduce the pain each are feeling, it will block real feelings for each other. When the pain subsides over time, the relationship needs something more to keep it going. His talking about marriage with you before you two have ever dated "may" imply that he is still grieving his loss and that he only felt complete when he was married.
You are an adult and can make your own decisions as to whether the two of you should date and consider marriage. No one here should tell you what you should do or make you feel "guilty" about not standing. Standing is an individual decision. No one should judge for the time served for standing. You were faithful to your husband. He was not faithful. My faith says adultery is a reason to say the marriage is over, if one wishes.
You are in my prayers!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I have thought long and hard about this and I really don't care if I get yelled at AGAIN for posting this but I am going to anyway.
Quote:
I feel bad that I can't stand for the sake of my children. I am not going to rush into anything but I can't let this chance slip away. In all these years, I have never met another man who I felt compatible with as I always have with this man.
What you are feeling is just a feeling. I am sorry but you are NOT in love with this man and you are fooling yourself into believing you are.
This new love of your life is simply a bandaid.
Maybe you too are having a mini MLC of sorts?
It is so funny how we know all of the MLC lingo when it comes to our Spouses but when it happens to us we think we are so damn different.
When we were rejected by our Spouses and they had OW/OM and our self esteem was down the toilet we became vulnerable to the opposite sex.
We just want someone to pay some attention to us and make us feel loved and worthy again. And it is so easy to rationalize all of this stuff. I mean, if our WAS did this then we have the right to do it too.
I am sorry to be a downer but I think you have not even had enough time to deal with any issues from the demise of your marriage, nor have you made any personal changes that would stop you from bringing baggage into your next relationship.
If you continue to keep sweeping the crap under the rug eventually there will be a huge pile of junk under there and you will again be faced with the reality of the same problems and then some.
But you are an adult, you can make your own choices good or bad. You are the one who has to explain to your children why you are following this path.
Standing is hard. It is not for the weak of heart or for those who have no faith that the MLC will eventually be over. Of course there are no guarantees, but I do believe that if you have been married for 23 years and are so willing to move on to someone else after professing your love for your Husband every day on these boards for the past couple of months I have to go with the fact that this new man in your life is merely a good distraction and an escape from reality for you.
Take care of yourself and again try to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground.
(((((((Faith)))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
