Really? I have not seen it on this thread. First thing I see is everything HE must fix. Just like us HD guys, what is SHE going to do UNCONTIONALLY (just like we expect of the MEN on here).
Typical of you CeMar...you haven't seen it on THIS thread...but it's all over these BB threads.
Did you happen to notice that no one disagreed with your advice to her? Of course not. But you've ABSOLUTELY avoided someone else challenging YOU to take your own advice. Advice that you seem to deem good enough to give to another person on here.
If you aren't willing to take your own advice and apply it to yourself in your own marriage, then why should runner? Honestly..why should she? You sit back and wait for your W to make the first move, so...why shouldn't she sit back and wait for her H to make the first move? If you aren't willing to meet your W's needs unconditionally (as her needs exist for HER, not as you perceive they should be) then, why should this woman do the same for her H? You are telling someone else the same things we've been telling you...but you won't do them, yet...you tell her to do these things in her marriage. Just doesn't make sense CeMar.
FWIW Runner...because YOU recognize the issue it's not wise to sit back and wait for your H to do things. You recognize the issue so you should step up and address it, by as you said communicating and trying things.
Absolutely communicating with him and observing him to find out what his REAL needs are is very important. His true needs, the ones that aren't being met...may be obvious and he may state them straight out to you (i.e. I want to ML more often, meaning perhaps he's someone who nees physical touch as a need.) OR his needs may not be so obvious. By observing my husband I found he really needs validation from me when he vents about a bad day....or "Atta Boys" that I think he did something really well.
I've found when we speak the other person's love language(s) they begin to speak ours (at least some) in return as well. It's a place to start, a place to begin to grow some intimacy.
Has anyone recommended the book "The Five Love Languages" to you yet? If not, check it out...it's a quick read and pretty enlightening. Might give you a place to begin looking at what needs (besides sex...and including it) are going unmet for your H and help build some intimacy.
There's also a quiz for each of you. If you think he'd take it great, let him...take yours too. Our MC also gave us copies of the quiz for our spouse and had us take them and see if we were anywhere close in what WE thought their love languages were. My H and I were actually pretty close, but it was informative because it also gave us a place to start a discussion on WHY they were needs for us....and what each of us would perceive as the other filling that need (specifically).
Once you identify his needs...then you can attempt to fill them.
i will reply to all of these posts...thanks you guys for all your thoughts. And Cemar..i do respect your opinions...I just think you come across bitter...why is that?
gotta go for now...will be back to tackle the thoughts.
5LL has been recommended and I have it...haven't started rdg it yet... will though
If your husband does all these things, whats in it for him? You make it clear that you are currently not very attracted to him and don't give him the physcial things he needs. And yet you epect him to go first, why?
What's in it for him...well i would hope that our relationship would improve and grow as our marriage has been shakey for awhile. That's what's in it for him.
But your husband ALSO has needs, likely he wants to feel attractive to you, to have your desire(physically) for him.
So you two are stuck, waiting for the other to go first. Things must change for BOTH of you. Your needs are NOT more important then his. So one of you must go first. YOU GO FIRST! Meet his needs FIRST. Meet his needs UNCONTIONALLY, just as you expect him to meet YOURS unconditionally.
Ultimately communicating on what is lacking in the marriage...going first could mean just talking about issues. Unfortunately the talking is the hardest part. Stirring up the waters...
You want her to feel desire for you, right?
How's she going to do that, exactly?
Suppose I told you that I needed you to feel desire for me. How would you go about doing that? You wouldn't even know where to start, right?
I can demand that you feel desire for me till I'm blue in the face, but until I manage to become female, it ain't happening. No matter what I offer to give you, no matter what I offer to do for you, there is no way on God's green Earth that you could possibly "go first" and conjure up a sexual desire for me. I'd have to take the steps of extracting my DNA, duplicating my X chromosome, replacing the Y with the duplicate, growing a cloned body (without the brain), and transplanting my brain into it, before you could even begin to feel desire for me.
Fortunately, her husband is already the correct gender, so his task is a lot easier. But he still has to do some things differently to get her motor running - she can't do it on her own. Now he can ask her to do things in return, or to do certain things first, or at the same time, and she just might do them... but if he insists that she FEEL things before he's gotten started, they're very likely to reach an impasse.
Originally Posted By: cemar2
Once you start assigning CONDITIONS to your desiring him, then he can set conditions on meeting your needs on the list of 4, and you are both stuck again.
Why would that leave them stuck? So what if he sets his own conditions? She can either meet them or not, depending on what they are and how distateful they are compared to the present situation. They can keep setting conditions and negotiating until they're both on the same page, or they can reach an impasse. Only one way to find out...
Ok, we have had plenty of advice given to the HD men on here on what THEY need to do. That does NOT apply to this thread. This is a LD women that wants to fix her marriage. So what advice do you give HER on changing herself (just like you give the guys).
Why do I have to change myself? I don't think one should necessarily change themselves ... reading the 5LL is something that makes more sense to me. Communicating on the needs we have and what areas in the marriage are constant dividers. Every day life has issues and some build our marriage and others tend to wear away at it...by addressing these...i would think that would be the start. Not by just changing oneself to accomodate the other. How true to oneself is that.
