NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Tam,

Like Believing says, I cringe when I read your posts....really, I do cringe. It's as if you have taken a class in doing the exact opposite of what is attractive to your H, and you keep doing it. Did you really read the DB books? Remember the part about going down "cheeseless tunnels" which means not repeating behaviors that are NOT working? WHY are you soooo blind to this? Asking for hug is big a ONE TIME no-no. Doing it AGAIN is just... pathetic and soooo UNATTRACTIVE. If you were a man doing this to a woman we'd call it stalking, and maybe sexually assaulting. And just sooo unlikely to work. It hasn't worked yet, has it? So, for the love of GOD, WHY are you still doing it?

Because it feels good to have a tiny ounce of forced affection, even while knowing you are DECREASING the chance of ever really getting LOVE from this man, the more you take his scraps, which he begrudingly gives? (Even you know it only feels good when you lie to yourself about what it means) And then analyzing those scraps to death? Any hug or answer to a question about Your R/M that YOU force out of him, is NOTHING based on truth. Frankly, if I were in his shoes and it was the business that forced me to HAVE to be around my spouse when I really wished I weren't, I'd probably do or say anything (like give a hug or say "yes, we'll be okay" ) just to keep them quiet so I could get 1) some work done and or 2) get the hell out of the room as fast as possible. I'd RUN to OP.

You are pushing him away and you have only you to blame for that...Sorry, but you are really doing EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what you need to do, and what everyone here is saying. Do you really want this guy? Any guy? Do you just disbelieve us? Or do the tiny scraps at the moment, outweigh the worth of really having a lasting R? That means doing the work it takes to make a life on your own, which is the ONLY way to get him to return, IF in fact it is possible.
Look, all I know is what you are doing, over and over again, is making it all worse. Don't you get that? This is exactly what my younger sister did and she smothered her H and hovered, begged, pleaded, pursued, and he could not run fast enough away from her. By LAW he had to stay with her a certain amount of time. She'd hungrily gobble up "signs" of his "love" like staying in the same room with her to watch his favorite show, or laughing at the same funny thing.....SHE really saw these "signs" of him coming around and having doubts/confusion.....he remarried 30 days after the divorce. It was the soonest the law in that state allowed remarriage...
That was 10 years ago and my sister still stares at the one photo of OW and him and stares and stares and wonders why/why/why? No insights into what she did wrong before of during the M....just self absorbed pain and misery and bitterness, which affects her PRESENT marriage and her R's with her stepchildren. Nope, her remarriage did nothing to help her feel like she moved on....she is still stuck...and it still pollutes almost everything in her life...10 years...She even thought having him write the support checks, rather than getting a court allotment directly out of his check, would "remind" him of her every month and maybe that would....??? SO, the OW wrote the checks with HER name on the account instead of my sister's....ouch. AND then when the checks were late sometimes, the OW wrote "nice" notes to my sister about how the cash flow was low that month, what with the new BABY she had with sister's ex-husband.....OUCH!! But my sister kept setting herself up for this. Why? At some level, I think she felt she did not really deserve love, and wanted to disprove it, but kept reaffirming it. Whatever the reason, it was unhealthy. And so is YOUR behavior. At some point soon, you will have to look at YOUR ROLE in this sitch. If you have been like this IN the M, hovering and smothering, then you really have a huge role in the problems you are now facing. And you are still making it all so much worse. That's my 2 x 4.
j-