MLC with young personal trainer

[scout332]

Have just found out about your forum while reading The Sex Starved Marriage. Our situation:

My W and I are both 39, have been married 13 years, have 3 kids(9,6,5). Ours has not been the perfect marriage. After kids, my W was the LD spouse. I did just what the book says I would have --got angry, built up walls, and turned off the marriage. If we had sex over the past 2 years, it was always end off the night, exhausted, in the dark, and "get it over". I started having ED and PE. Of course, I never satisfied my wife. I ended up with Depression--started Zoloft 3 months ago andfeel better and want to fix my marriage.

My wife weighed 125lbs when we married, up to 170 after 1st child,then >200(on 5"2" frame) after subsequent kids. Last year she entered a "Biggest Loser" type contestat the local Gym. She has been working out with 24 yo Male personal trainer now for 13 months. She is down to 145 lbs. She has gotten happy--what led to me perking up. However she now is in MLC mode--says she has feelings for the trainer, considers it an EA, and thinks she could have sexual relationship with him. She now says she thinks about sex/wants it every day. She won't kiss me(have to beg for a distant hug), so the sexual energy isn't being spent on me.

I'm told ILYBNILWY. Right now she says she wants to stay for the children, but doesn't want to quit seeing/working out with trainer. She wants to lose last 15-20lbs, then get tummy tuck and breast lift.

I feel terribly hurt. Iam trying harder than I have in 5+ yrs. Taken over most of housework/child care. (She says if she leaves, it is w/o kids.) I am trying to do all the little things I didn't before, but now am in trouble for trying to do too much.

Does anyone have advice besides marital counselor? (topic broached but she has no desire to see)

[scout332]

I hope someone will respond to this updated post.

I am still trying to work through this relationship problem with my W. I thought we had a great Easter weekend. She actually gave me small kisses on the lips the last two days,which I interpreted as a thaw.

Last night she worked out with her Trainer(the same one as above. After she came home she spent the next 2 hours on the phone about work related problems. I understood the need to do so. I just kept reading Divorce Busting(great book, by the way).

The strange part was after we went to bed. I have been falling asleep fast due to waking up ever night, running our situation through my head. Last night I did not fall right to sleep. To my surprise, I could tell my W started to masturbate--something I have never known her to do. I stayed still, but when she was interupted by cat jumping on bed, I touched her arm and said ILU.
She just told me to go to sleep, then went "back to work". She was quiet--I couldn't say if she was satisfied.

I obviously a not offended by masturbating--I've definitely done it. What I don't know is how to respond now? Obviously I knew what was happening and made it that she should know I was aware.

I doubt she was fantasizing about me--more likely the trainer. She had told me he was particularly nice to her last night(had cancelled on her last minute twice recently). Do I say anything to her today about last night? Do I forget it completely?

[scout332]

Things have not seemed to change much over the past week. Still only an occasional hug or kiss on the forehead if I initiate. My W did make a suggestion that we go as a family to OSU Spring FB game(we are both alumni). Originally she just wanted me to take kids by myself. Sounds positive. Still feel like M is 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.

Her bedtime masturbation has continued every night since my last post. I have never broached the subject, as suggested above. It does seem very strange to lie there and listen though.

Have finished DB, now reading Susan Page's "How one of you can bring the Two of you together". I've thought about trying "Last Resort Technique", but don't think I have the Intestinal Fortitude to do so yet.

[momof2girls]

Maybe you should try to kiss her and initiate ML while she is in the act...Would that be a 180 for you?

[scout332]

That would definitely be a 180. I have always beeen laid back and led her lead. To take that much of a jump when I don't even get a real kiss would certainly be a forward move--just have to figure when to try. Given my constant fatigue from insomnia, may have to wait til Friday just in case it would go bad and lead to long fight.

Thanks for suggestion and encouragement.

[scout332]

It was an interesting weekend. We went as a family to football game on Sat., then shopping + dinner. Everyone was really tired Sat. night. Went to bed alone as she wanted to listen to music by herself. Felt all was good.

Yesterday went to baptism of our nephew--we are the godparents. Her family doesn't know anything is going on. Day seemed great, but on hour drive home--kids were nuts and she was melting down. Whem we get home, it's "I don't know if I can go on like this. I can't stand kids anymore. I can't live like this. I feel like moving out and just taking care of myself. What's wrong with me?"

I reply it's a MLC. She responds--no it's just a crisis. I've taken care of everything else too long and not taken care of myself. I know you're trying to help more, but I can't go on like this."

Told ILU. She replied "ILU too, but I don't feel like I'm in love. I'm not saying I'm ending the marriage, but things need to change for me to want to stay."

What move do I make now? Do I just keep being supportive?

[BeingMe]

Okay, just my opinion, but it seems to me your W has been taking care of herself pretty well, recently. She is in the 'poor me' mentality, and it's hard to defend against, so I suggest you just validate her. You could say, "honey, I know how hard you have worked for our family, and how much you have sacrificed. I appreciate it, and I want you to be happy. So, it makes me happy that you are able to take some time each day to just concentrate on yourself". In her mind, she has done everything for her family, and nothing for herself, however, that doesn't mean she should just throw it all away on a whim, but you can't really tell her that, unfortunately. Anyway, here are some things you can try, if you feel you can (you choose what you think will fit your own beliefs, and personality):

Don't react, just validate
Work on yourself - GAL, perhaps get a personal trainer, and work out at the gym too. You also need time for yourself, and an outlet for your frustrations. It'll help you to sleep at night too. Work on being the best you that you can be, but don't beat yourself if you come short sometimes. You are human, just as your W is.
Don't make any assumptions, or have too many expectations. For one, just because she has feelings for this 24 year old personal trainer, doesn't mean he reciprocates at all. I am studying to be a fitness trainer, and we are there to listen to our clients, and focus on their training needs, and your W may've misinterpreted their R, making it more than it really is (much like a patient may with a psychologist).
Don't let the children hear any of the things your W is saying about having enough of them, etc. Kids can internalize that, and make it all their fault, and it isn't. She chose to marry you, and start a family, so she is their mother, despite what she is presently going through.
Do not tell her she is in MLC - to them, this is real.
Do not tell her you love her, unless she says it first. Don't start R discussions, but you can respond when/if she does.
Do not pursue, beg, cry, or whine. That is very unattractive, and won't help you get what you want.
Try and be upbeat, and positive. Look for things to laugh at ... movies, comedy channel, little things the kids do that are cute, etc. Laughing is a great stress reliever.
Try some 180's, such as responding when she is masturbating, and see what happens. Otherwise, try little 180's, and if you get a positive response, continue, and try something else.
Finally, pray, pray, pray ... for patience, for clarity of thought, for acceptance, and the ability to rest, and leave it in God's hands. Do what you can, but in the end, none of us have control over the actions of others, only our reactions.

[andyv]

Scout332,

Mate, I feel your pain.

I am going through the same thing with my W. Ever since she started kickboxing and rockclimbing with 26 y/o KB coach, was when our R nosedived.

I had been away for work on and off for 3 months (Nov, Dec and Jan, got back beg of Feb 07), and I noticed the deteriation in the middle before the Bomb in Dec/Jan.

He showed interest in her emotionally when I didn't. She got a new network of friends all in their 20's, started going out and having a good time (whilst I was away), detached somewhat from DD and totally from me.

She too is looking amazing (I always thought she looked amazing throughout our marriage), but with all the working out etc, she looks in her early 20's.

I have gotten her to a stage of "routine" with DD, and we have allocated evenings and days to spend with her so she gets all the love and attention she deserves (W has been somewhat neglectful due to her partying).

We even attend DD's soccer games together.

W is at a stage where she is more comfortable around me, and we converse more and more everyday. She is less and less guarded.

Just continue being supportive, respect her decision and detach from her and her activities a little more.

Don't be a doormat, but just be the same person she fell in love with and continued to love for the most part of your marriage.

I think the change in my W has been from me doing the same, and her life being a little less stressed, more time for her to think clearly about things without the pressure.

I am still doing the thoughtful things that I used to, that won't change because that is who I am. GAL approach has been working well also.

If you are not in a hurry or have a time frame for working things out, then time is on your side, don't rush it and let your W go through this process.

[scout332]

Time for the weekly post to help meal deal with situation. Was a work weekend, so no time for dates. Went out as a family to Mass and Mexican Sat night. The kids got videos to watch--my wife and I worked on details for summer family Disney trip (still planning a family trip-that's good).

At end of night went to bed and as other side of bed seemed to be bouncing a lot, I reached over to touch my wife. It was not well received. "What are you doing?" "I was trying to help you." "you know I don't want to be touched now! I've told you that." I just rolled over and went into "sulk mode". Probably not the right thing to do, but definitely learned that 180 wouldn't work.

Reading DR now. Just passed section last night where it says to assess on 1-10 scale where marriage was when started and where it is now. Would say it was a 2 then--wasn't a 1 because we weren't fighting all the time, but little connection at all. I would rate it up to a 4 now. The friendship is better, but still no physical contact. I was standing right by bedroom door when my wife went to bed last night. She just walked straight by me--no offer of even a hug.

Planning to keep working on it, though. I think I need to move to more of a LRT approach. As always advice would be appreciated!

[*KS*Chick*]

Dude - how many threads are you trying to keep active?

Pick one forum and hang there -- makes the rest of us