Cog, I'm so glad to hear you making a stand. I believe there comes a time when we have to stand up for what we believe. You did 'crime', you did your time, now its time (for her) to forgive and forget and get herself in line. You are a wonderful man, thoughtful and considerate, yet you stand up for yourself. Excellent. I think our human nature wants to dominate and be in control, yet then we have a tendency to despise the one we dominate. BUT...many times, deep down, women really want and respect a man who will stand up for themselves, who will take charge and be demanding-in a good and balanced way.
I'm praying for the completion of your restoration! jacqm Oh, and i started a new thread: 40 day countdown 40 day countdown
How do you do it? I have a similar sitch as yours, married 15 yrs and have sex very seldom. last time(this time) was 8 mos ago and it's killing me. he has no desire at all. I've done everything I can think of and he will if I initiate but 8 mos ago I told him I would never initiate ever again. And so ended my once a month if that sexlife(if you can even call it that). I am very resentful and angry. I have thought of leaving or just having an affair but I feel guilty and can't. I am not even feeling attracted to him anymore and don't really want to have sex w/him but do want sex. I just don't know what to do. I believe divorce is wrong but I also feel that keeping sex from your partner is a sin. I won't use that as an excuse to do anything wrong but I'm very angry that he's doing this. He doesn't even make an effort to try to get help. I'm tired of trying and very close to giving up on the marriage.
I've done everything I can think of and he will if I initiate but 8 mos ago I told him I would never initiate ever again. And so ended my once a month if that sexlife(if you can even call it that).
So I guess that was a dumb idea was'nt it? Maybe you should initiate again.
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I am very resentful and angry. I have thought of leaving or just having an affair but I feel guilty and can't. I just don't know what to do. I believe divorce is wrong but I also feel that keeping sex from your partner is a sin. I won't use that as an excuse to do anything wrong but I'm very angry that he's doing this. He doesn't even make an effort to try to get help. I'm tired of trying and very close to giving up on the marriage.
Oh I feel your pain. It's a really stinky position to be in. I don't blame you for wanting out, or giving up. But if you do give up, then you'll never know if you could have worked it out. If you don't try something new and different then you'll never know if it might work. If you don't hang on, fight to the death, then you'll not taste victory. This is one hell of a game we're playing here. It'll take every last ounce of energy we have. Is it worth it? We won't know until we've tried.
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I am not even feeling attracted to him anymore and don't really want to have sex w/him but do want sex.
Therein may be part of the problem. Maybe he senses that. Maybe you need to try a new attitude. Just try some new things and see what has a positive affect, then keep doing that. Stop doing the same old things that have negative results.
Hang in there girl!
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
What do you mean you got a life? I do have a life but this part of my life is dragging me down, really bad. Do you mean do things, I do, I don't know what you mean.
I don't think it was a bad idea because I feel so cheap and degraded like I'm begging. then he just does it. No foreplay, no french kissing, just on lips, just does it till he comes then goes to sleep(obligation fulfilled?). If I try to tell him what I like and don't like, he feels I'm putting him down and then will turn me down if I try again, so rather than put myself through that torture, I gave up on initiating. I'd rather suffer being w/o sex than suffer the rejection.
victory? when I'm how old? and if it comes, great, but what if it doesn't? And what could I try different? I'm at my witts end! I've been from 1-100 on everything I can think of(dressing, agressiveness, attitude), I feel like I've gone way over and above-I'm still here!!! My attitude is really not all that bad, I'm just hurting now. I'm actually a very positive person and 90 percent of the time I'm in a good mood, joking and laughing a lot. I feel I'm a good listener, give input when I think I need to/quiet when not. I've backed him every time he wants to do something. I even felt that I lost myself completely for a while like I was living his life & I was gone. when I realized that I had gotten lost somewhere in this mess, I started doing stuff for myself(not excluding him)and it did me a world of good, but the same haunting "thing" keeps coming back. I would like to beat the odds and taste that victory but I feel defeated right now.
Well, I bought a motorcyle and go on long rides. I work on my boat. I go fishing and hunting. I work out. I just worked on developing a fulfilling life. Sex is REALLY important, don't get me wrong about that, but contrary to popular opinion it's NOT an essential like food and water. That all said, I really do feel your pain. I'm pushing my W right now to wake up before it's too late. She's reading the writing on the wall but we'll see if anything changes.
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I feel so cheap and degraded like I'm begging. then he just does it. No foreplay, no french kissing, just on lips, just does it till he comes then goes to sleep(obligation fulfilled?). If I try to tell him what I like and don't like, he feels I'm putting him down and then will turn me down if I try again, so rather than put myself through that torture, I gave up on initiating. I'd rather suffer being w/o sex than suffer the rejection.
Oh I can understand where you're coming from. I'd probably do the same thing.
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victory? when I'm how old? and if it comes, great, but what if it doesn't?
Don't let your fears cloud your vision. Anything is possible.
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I'm at my witts end! I've been from 1-100 on everything I can think of(dressing, agressiveness, attitude), I feel like I've gone way over and above-I'm still here!!!
I really don't have enough experience to help you with that. I have'nt been able to succeed either. I think maybe to a certain degree our S's are just built the way they are. We may only have two choices, either love them unconditionally, or leave them, it just might not be possible for them to change.
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I started doing stuff for myself(not excluding him)and it did me a world of good, but the same haunting "thing" keeps coming back.
Yep, I know that feeling too. I can relate, unfortunately I don't have many answers.
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I would like to beat the odds and taste that victory but I feel defeated right now.
Well you may be behind in scoring, beaten up and bloodied, but you will have only been defeated when the game ends.
Hang in there!
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I don't think it was a bad idea because I feel so cheap and degraded like I'm begging. then he just does it. No foreplay, no french kissing, just on lips, just does it till he comes then goes to sleep(obligation fulfilled?). If I try to tell him what I like and don't like, he feels I'm putting him down and then will turn me down if I try again, so rather than put myself through that torture, I gave up on initiating. I'd rather suffer being w/o sex than suffer the rejection.
Has it been this way throughout your relationship?
COG, Thanks for the imput. It does help at least to get my thoughts & feelings out there. It's just so frustrating and like you said in a post elsewhere I know I'm ok and not the one with the problem. I feel my H's pain too, I mean what if I didn't have the desire, but what is frustrating is that every time he points out a fault of mine or something that I do that irritates him, I really try to do everything in my power to change myself. And I used to go out of my way to please him but now I take things he says as constructive critisism and change myself for me. I also work out and take good care of myself(that's a whole other frustrating thing: I get soooo many compliments from everyone guys and girls, just not my H)I should have the lowest self esteem and worst attitude, but I don't. If he knew how many guys have hit on me in the last year alone he would freak. He did make me quit my job(mainly to let me stay home and take care of our child and the house)but also I think because the majority of the people I worked with were men. He's 48, I'm 43 I have a child 6yo.I am a Christian and that is probably why I haven't cheated, but boy have I been tempted. It is encouraging to hear you say that you have chosen to do the right thing, I know so many people- christians and non-christians who have not. Some are happier but most are not. Basically I don't know how to get through to him. I think I'm going to try a letter (since my words seem to go in one ear and out the other) cause I'm tired of crying and feeling like a cruel joke has been played on me. Thanks for listening(I'm rambling I know) God Bless you too. nvraln
"Has it been this way throughout your relationship?"
MrsNop,
Yes pretty much throughout. When we were dating, we almost went all the way once but stopped and decided that if we were going to live for God, we would wait until marriage for sex. He never tried again so I thought it was just the purity thing(we went out for 31/2 yrs). then when we were married he didn't try till the 3rd day,I was devastated those 1st two days. then I thought it was going to be fine and though I had never initiated with anyone before I did and sometimes he would/sometimes not, I didn't understand. I've tried to talk to him since the beginning and I don't know how to get through to him. I tried being gentle and understanding. I've asked questions, he doesn't really want to get into it but just says that he has no desire. Can't get him to talk to a doctor about it either. We started counseling about 9 years ago about his anger and it was getting to this issue too but he got tired of the time it was taking to resolve and quit going. I've also spoken to him about how it's affecting me and he seems to listen and I start to think things are going to change and then nothing happens. I feel like running away but I do care about him and don't ask me how I've lasted 15 years like this(I guess I'm a patient person)I just feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope and if I don't do something a part of me is going to die or I'll do something that I'll regret. I already feel that I've distanced myself it's how I'm coping right now. Well if you have any advise, I'll be happy to listen.
I feel you pain, I really do. I too did that xtian thing of waiting till marriage for sex, hoping that when we got married, all the little things I ignored as problems would go away. Then when the sex wasn't good from the get-go, the W just pulled away from it. I distinctly remember feeling lonely during my honeymoon. So I too could say that things have not gone well from day 1. I too tried a number of things to win her love, affection, desire. Of course I now realize they were mostly "placating" unmanly behavior which drove my W further away. I too have tried lots of conversations, but never seemed to get through. Of course I now realize that my conversational abilities weren't the best.
And I too went through the withdrawal period like you are in right now. I too felt like a part of me was going to die. In fact, many days I am back there. You do have one important advantage over me. You are aware of the fact that you are vulnerable. You said you worry about "doing something you may regret." Keep that thought in your head and always try with everything you have so that you don't do something you will regret. It makes things much harder to fix afterwards and you will feel much worse about yourself and your hopes for the future. I'm sure you will agree when I say that the pain you feel right now is plenty enough. Please don't add to it.
That being said, you mentioned briefly the counseling. Could you go into more detail about it? You said it was initiated by his anger. How was his anger manifesting itself? How did he respond to the counseling? Did things get better for awhile then just slide back down, or did he resist it the whole time?
You say he "seems to listen and things start to get better and then nothing happens." How often do you bring up the subject of your dissatisfaction (to put it mildy) with the M? Could you give us general examples of how the conversations go?
Your situation sounds common to many of us here. I don't mean that to denigrate your pain, I do understand many of your feelings. It is often in the specific differences between our situations tha solutions can present themselves. And there are a lot of really smart people on this board who can point things out to you, give you advice on what to work on, etc. It may or many not work. As COG said sometimes we just have to realize that our SOs may just not be capable of being or willing to be the kind of person that we need. Then we have a really hard choice, one I sincerely hope you do not have to make.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I personally have been dealing with the same sitch since day one too and just wrote it off as him "respecting" me and, to some degree, that is the case but the problems go a LOT deeper.
One (of the many issues) we have discovered, some 19 years later, is that my H has had female friends that he didn't get involved with sexually and females that he did get involved with sexually but were never friends with them. He can't seem to put the two of them together. Then when he and I got together, we were (and still are) the best of friends but he can't relate to me sexually because he feels as though this is disrespect towards me. He feels "using" or "taking advantage" of my body is unmanly of him. Sounds like an easy thing to deal with but trust me it's not.
That is just one of the many issues he is battling so we have a long battle ahead of us still. However, I do have to make a decision and it is one that I know will have to be made soon. Do I abdandon this relationship and seek out another for sexual satisfaction, not knowing what I will get in all other aspects of the relationship? Or, do I accept who my H is, flaws and all, and embrace the good person he truly is and put my desires aside?
If I had a penny for everytime I have initiated, every time I have brought up the "lack of" talk, every time I had tried to make something right again, I would be a millionaire. Will I ever stop? I don't know but right now I will continue to show him my love, devotion and faithfulness (as much as it is VERY difficult)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
