Thanks for taking this ride with me. It ain't so pretty some time.
Like today.
I lost it--totally. Like a woman in an insane asylum. Bang and she's off--her rocker that is.
I could feel it coming.
I'm tired, not feeling well, dehydrated, overwhelmed and alone.
I don't want to be a single mother, never signed up for this, it's so damn hard.
He was supposed to stay in the boat with me and he bailed. I feel like bailing. I want to run away to Hawaii. How courageous of him to walk away (he actually told me it took a lot of courage to walk out that door). I guess I’m just not that courageous—not courageous enough to face the resentment and anger of my children for the rest of my life. Not courageous enough to ruin my reputation and good name. Not courageous enough to break the hearts of those that love and depend on me.
It started yesterday. It was a nice afternoon when the kids came home. They were excited to have a lemonade and cookie stand in the front yard. So I made them cookies and lemonade and they set up their little table. They made a few bucks (there are only about 5 houses on our street so sales were slow.
I wasn't feeling well so I asked them to put away all the stuff--table, chairs, bikes, etc.
They swore they did it. I didn't check.
I emailed H last night begging him to take the kids today. Told him I was sick and exhausted and have been with the kids by myself for weeks and needed a break. He wrote back and said he would if he could but he can’t. Big surprise.
I was tucking the kids in last night and went into the bathroom to weight myself (been losing weight and keeping track). Scale doesn't work, like at all. I just changed the batteries so I turn it over and discover someone has snipped off the battery pack. I was annoyed (I can splice the wires together but I am so sick of the kids wrecking stuff). So I ask all of them who did it. They all deny it was them. One of them is lying. I think it's my daughter who lies to me a lot and I tell her I think it is her. She freaks, she denies some more, finally she confesses. I don't punish her but rather have a very long conversation about lying and how it hurts people and how once you tell a lie you get trapped and have to tell more lies and that the scale is totally minor compared to lying. My kids all know that the one BIG no-no in this house is lying. I can’t tolerate it.
So last night it rained like crazy. This morning I look out the window and all the stuff from the kids lemonade sale is still outside in the yard. I wake all the children up and make them go outside in the rain to put it all away--including all their bikes, also left strewn in the driveway and almost in the road. At this point I am stunned that they lied to me again and feel like giving up—but how do I do that—I am trapped.
I lose it while they're outside. I retreat to the basement and can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling totally alone and overwhelmed and cheated and sad. I can't help my children cope because I can't cope.
I take the phone and know I shouldn't but I do it anyway. I dial H's number. It's 7:30 am. He doesn't answer. I dial again. No answer. I'm a wreck—slobbering with tears and snot flowing freely. I can't think straight. I dial his cell--no answer.
The kids are back inside now and hear me. They come downstairs and I can’t stop crying, not even for them. I am distraught. I tell them to go away, get dressed, get breakfast, I can't help them.
I call my best friend. She's a gem, I love her so much. She helps calm me down. Helps me realize that part of all of this has to do with my fear about what will happen when H leaves and how much harder all this will be. I still can't believe he is leaving for a year. I don't know how I will manage.
Son comes down with my cell phone in hand and tells me its dad. I ask my friend if I should talk to him and she says probably not so I tell son to tell him I'll call back. Friend offers to talk to H for me and help explain how hard this all is for me—raising 4 little children on my own. My friend and H have known each other and were friends even before we were (professional relationship). She is a level headed and calm person. Smart and with it and she is also going through the same thing with her H but she is an excellent DBer—comes natural to her. She’s very stable.
I feel so guilty for breaking down in front of the kids. I feel like a bad mother and I feel like I am worrying them and giving them so much more stress than they should have. They are the ones who called H because they were so upset and didn’t know what to do. They told him I was upset because they lied to me. I told them later it wasn’t their fault, but the damage is done. I kept saying “I need a break, I need a break, I can’t handle it.” My poor kids are probably afraid I will bolt and never come back. I swear, sometimes I feel like doing it.
H is going to add insult to injury this weekend and tell them he will be going away for a year and only see them once a month. I just feel so weak and helpless at this point.
