I notice that in this post, you mention everything that is most important to you, your kids, and then your career posibilities. Why is your husband not the most important thing to you?
runner, Things got way worse before they got better. I wanted my H to be more manly and confident; he wanted me to admire him and be more openly desiring of him. The sexual issues went hand in hand with other issues, resulting in our distancing more and more. For awhile our major focus was the house and kids. When the distance became overwhelming, I found myself reading divorce/relationship books and found this board.
That sounds like me...house, kids, school work.... and I am overwhelmed with the situation...that is why i stumbled onto this board. I felt chronically sad. I guess it just helps to get everyone's spin and to know that other people are in this boat. It is way too easy to get EA if you talk about something like this with someone you live near....I have found myself doing that...
he is...I often think..do i see myself with him when we grow old...YES can i see myself with someone else..NO If anything were to happen to him healthwise .... that would devastate me. So he is a priority...but right now the distance and lack of attraction seems to have consumed our r.
OK, good. Now we've got to boil this list down to the things you think he is doing wrong. Not how he feels, or how you feel, but what is he doing that you think he shouldn't be doing, and what he is refusing to do that you think he should. Once you've got that list, it's time to figure out what actions aren't actually wrong, what items you can live with, and what items you can't live with, and address the first two categories in your own mind while you enlist his help to address the third.
Let's get started...
Originally Posted By: runner26.2
resentment in feeling invisible to him...resentment that all he talked about was work...resentment that he is short with the kids and doesn't appreciate me ( what I do at home and for the kids)
How do you know he doesn't appreciate you? I'm guessing your real accusation is that he doesn't show his appreciation for you in a way that you recognize. By taking up your conversations showing off his contributions and not letting you brag about your contributions, he gives you the impression that only his contribution is important and meaningful, even though he may not actually believe that.
Clearly, he's only doing what you would also be doing if only he would hold still and listen to it. You both want to show off your work. Would he actually refuse to hold still and listen to it?
Originally Posted By: runner26.2
You do however, hear it when the kids are bad and then you get "these kids are spoiled" "They are ungrateful" and then basically you take it personally like it is your fault and you are a failure at your "job"
Does he say it's your fault and call you a failure? Or do you think that any misbehavior on the part of the kids indicates that you are failing and you're just upset with him for reminding you of something that you're interpreting as your failure?
Now kids aren't robots. They've got minds of their own, they form their own judgement, they have their own perceptions, and their perceptions can differ from reality in any of a hundred different ways. They've also got their own moods and temperments that they were in large part born with.
Parents do influence their kids' behavior. And there may be things you are doing that encourage misbehavior, and there may be things that he thinks you are doing to encourage misbehavior.
But it is possible that he is criticizing the kids themselves, accusing the kids of misbehaving despite their excellent upbringing, rather than accusing you of leading them astray.
Originally Posted By: runner26.2
Please don't misread--my kids are my life...i love the fact that i can be at home with them. But I had a fantastic reputation in the business world and that identity has been lost.
Really? Everyone that you've impressed and worked with has just up and forgotten about you? Or have you just lost touch with them for the time being?
Do you need to be included in a wider social circle than you are at present? And how is this his fault? Is he refusing to watch the kids so you can go out and acquire or maintain a circle of friends? Or has the subject not come up?
So, the revised list:
1. He doesn't show appreciation for your work or let you talk about it, while talking at length about his work. 2. He is overly harsh with the kids. He appears to implicitly accuse you of being a bad mom. 3. He makes it difficult for you to have a social life, by refusing to relive you of childcare duties and by discouraging you from dressing up while you're out. 4. He doesn't give any indication of being impressed by your weight loss.
Are we on the right track? And with respect to item 2, do you know for a fact whether he is accusing you of being a bad mom, or whether he's simply accusing the kids of going astray on their own? If you don't, it's time to have a conversation with him to get to the bottom of it. The rest of that list seems pretty cut and dried to me.
Now when you bring him that list, don't be surprised to find out that he's got his own list. In fact, if he claims not to, he is almost certainly holding back, either because he doesn't like conflict, or because he doesn't feel that his list is sufficiently thought-out to present to you.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
wow..first off...thank you for the long letter. I have some things to think about and make my list. YOu have a great way of tackling things and dissecting through the story for the facts.
1. I'd like to hear him compliment what i do in a day...more often... 2. I'd like him to work on his parenting and be positive...and work on being creative rather than taking the easy approach of just yelling at them. They just want him to be involved with them...and I imagine he just wants to sit and relax and read the paper or watch the news. 3. He will relieve me if I ask....but I guess I don't really have the opportunity or circle to go out and unwind. Not many moms do this....because of "family". Or the ones that do...are just out on the prowl. 4. He now is impressed with my weight loss...but my feellings changed in that first yr when he was oblivious to it.
I have some thinking to do. Poor guy...he is just being the husband and working and trying to be a successful business man...and I have a really nice life. I guess the basic needs that i feel are missing are the attentive needs rather than the physical...
Yikes, I spent all day on the computer...better check on the kids. Thank you for trying to help me with this...
Are you ld with your wife...or is it the opposite way around...and have you been able to get to the heart of the matter and see improvement?
It's kind of a long story, but I got withdrawn, she got cranky and clingy, I got more withdrawn, EC & SL dwindled, we're both unhappy. Then I start to face my issues (ADHD, long habit of avoidance due to constantly getting in trouble for ADHD & general social awkwardness), seek counseling and medication, and show some improvement. She starts a workout plan, drags me along, and we both get less cranky and more healthy and sexy and gradually reconnect. SL sputters until "sexual side effects" from medication get too blatant to ignore, then more medication clears that up and SL & EC go into overdrive. Life is good for now, although I still need to find a medication regime that gets ADHD more under control without sending my heartrate sky-high in the middle of the night, and I still have to resist the temptation to withdraw and/or avoid conflict whenever anything goes wrong.
As for which one of us was "LD", I would say both of us. I think she would have liked to have it a little more often than we did, but other issues were definitely bothering her more than that, while I was too depressed and anti-social and anxious to really enjoy being with her.
Originally Posted By: runner26.2
I have some thinking to do. Poor guy...he is just being the husband and working and trying to be a successful business man...and I have a really nice life. I guess the basic needs that i feel are missing are the attentive needs rather than the physical...
We all crave attention, of course, and you have every right to expect some from the man you married. How much? You'll have to work with him on that. Good luck!
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
If your husband does all these things, whats in it for him? You make it clear that you are currently not very attracted to him and don't give him the physcial things he needs. And yet you epect him to go first, why?
If your husband does all these things, whats in it for him? You make it clear that you are currently not very attracted to him and don't give him the physcial things he needs. And yet you epect him to go first, why?
In your prior post, you listed 4 things that you want from your husband. You need:
1. I'd like to hear him compliment what i do in a day...more often... 2. I'd like him to work on his parenting and be positive...and work on being creative rather than taking the easy approach of just yelling at them. They just want him to be involved with them...and I imagine he just wants to sit and relax and read the paper or watch the news. 3. He will relieve me if I ask....but I guess I don't really have the opportunity or circle to go out and unwind. Not many moms do this....because of "family". Or the ones that do...are just out on the prowl. 4. He now is impressed with my weight loss...but my feellings changed in that first yr when he was oblivious to it
But your husband ALSO has needs, likely he wants to feel attractive to you, to have your desire(physically) for him.
So you two are stuck, waiting for the other to go first. Things must change for BOTH of you. Your needs are NOT more important then his. So one of you must go first. YOU GO FIRST! Meet his needs FIRST. Meet his needs UNCONTIONALLY, just as you expect him to meet YOURS unconditionally. Once you start assigning CONDITIONS to your desiring him, then he can set conditions on meeting your needs on the list of 4, and you are both stuck again.
