tell the L your H is asking her to keep secrets--a HUGE NO NO in this state. Also, so what if your H doesn't tell you he lost his job, IF you still get paid support? Assuming you do not get support payments from him, which I assume is the real problem, go to court. Get the money allotted from the court, or let him borrow from his family, don't do his dirty work, but hold him to his obligations. Don't let pride stop you either, b/c this is for your kids sake. BUT, maybe his pride prevents him from telling you he lost yet another job--I say that is good b/c he isn't whining to you about his bad luck and giving excuses for not paying you....or is he?
Also, wth do you mean you don't have any money, if you have a salary? Get access to your money asap, please. Anyhow, in this state a child psych is often asked to meet with the kids if there is a custody dispute or even just an issue about the child's welfare, how they're handling it...etc. Point is, have a c meet with the child and or, get some sort of "rules" or "do's and don'ts" for parents in divorce situations. Keeping secrets is on the "don't do" list. Also, keep a journal of his contacts with the kids, how often he misses visitations, re-schedules, arrives late, pays late or too little, etc. This is not about punishing him, it's about keeping records IF it comes to that...just b/c you are armed doesn't mean you'll shoot, but you are in an adversarial process now and your H is your adversary. Sorry. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
thanks 25, I do document when he takes the kids, when he tries to switch and how often he calls them. As far as $$, what I meant when I said I don't have any is that I don't have any of my "own" meaning no savings. Every penny is going into paying the bills and the mortgage...Since H left H is not giving me what he used to when he lived here...so the bills are the same but I lost 1200 a month. I am afraid when this is over I will have no savings incase of emergency etc...
H is supposed to p/u kids tonight maybe he will say something then...
we are supposed to go to court the week after next for temp orders...like my L said, H may be giving me more now than what the court may order. Anyway you slice it the sitch stinks
Oh god...I screwed up again!! Got in a huge fight with H last night! conversation started off ok..told me he lost job on Friday and he was upset b/c it blindsided him....I told him that was too bad...but then...I said I know how it feels to be blindsided and it sucks!! UGH
Then he asked me why I didn't tell him about D5 tball practice...instead of me saying I forgot, it was a very busy weekend...I said I was going to tell you but you haven't seen or contacted us in a week!! H then said I was petty and if it had to do with the kids he should know about it! H never asks about D5 and dance lessons...
Then I got into it...how he lied to me and how he is having an A. H said even if he didn't have a "friend" he would not come home because I did not make him happy...H said he was ready to leave in September and asked if I noticed him not wearing his ring...I said yes and he told me he had swollen fingers!! I told him he left on a bed of lies and that he has abandoned me and the kids...
I also told him I will not call him because when I do his tone is downright nasty..didn't answer me.
Told him financially he is putting me in jeopardy and he needs to pay half of the household bills. Didn't answer me.
I asked how he could do this to his family and not even think about telling me he was unhappy...no answer
I told him as far as I can tell he is living the good life...new clothes, tanning, new laptop....
And then he hung up on me.
30 minutes later he came to get the kids and I asked if he hung up on me on purpose...he said yes he could not get a word in edge wise...I thanked him (sarcastically) for having enough respect for me to talk about all this...I then said maybe when he can stop lying to me we can talk...didn't answer again!
H was going to L today to probably see my counterclaim...
H makes me feel so guilty!! I did not keep info from him!! H never called and then the weekend got busy and I forgot...My MIL told him she had practice. H was all pissed because he wanted to buy her a baseball glove???? I forgot he told me that so I got her one... I did none of this intentionally! How do I do this anymore? He really doesn't care that what he is doing hurts me and the kids so much!
Don't beat yourself up over this interaction just try to learn from it. Reading your post today was like reading a script for arguments H and I have had in the past.
Just try not to let him push your buttons like that. I feel as if when you asked them something and they don't answer, it means one of two things, 1. They don't know why, or 2. they feel guilty as heck about it and don't want to talk about it.
My H use to say the same thing when we argued about not getting a word in edgewise and he was right, I talk fast and have a habit of not waiting for an answer before beginning again. Silences make me uncomfortable, so I try to fill them in. I am so afraid I won't get to say what I want to say (from being in a big noisy family growing up) that I just talk as fast as I can.
Just breathe!! Evaluate the conversation and file it under a situation you don't want to happen again. I know that none of this is easy. So think about what you could have done better during this interaction. One thing working in our favor is that their MLC brain doesn't retain things long so much is forgotten.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Mom2, This argument sounds like some my H and I would have had in the very beginning too. My H is the MASTER at making me feel guilty, or should I say WAS the master at making me feel guilty. I don't let him do it anymore. He has always been a master manipulator with people and I knew this. He never really tried it with me until MLC, but I knew how he worked and could see him do it to people at work. MCLer's will try to turn everything so it's your fault. You know this. They all do it. Don't feel guilty. They are constantly looking for fuel to validate their point. Just be the better person in this and don't give him that type of fuel anymore. It takes the wind right out of their sails if you're nice to them.
MY D's practices are all set at the beginning of the season. I just gave my H a schedule of all of them. Do something like this if possible that way you don't have to call him and potentially get into an argument.
MY H told me once that when he didn't answer me in arguments it was because he knew I was right, but that he didn't want to admit that to me and he couldn't say anything to contradict my argument so he just didn't say anything.
Like ANewMe says, just figure out what you could have done better and try to do it next time. This is not the end of the world.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Ok, second, what's done is done. Take it as a learning experience for next time. Most likely he will forget half of what you said and will calm down in a few days.
Mom, I know it's hard but you have to remember you are not dealing with your H right now you are dealing with an Alien. No matter how much you state your case, and no matter how right you are, your alien won't hear it right now. Unfortunately he is not interested in your feelings or anyone else's feelings but his own right now. He is feeling lousy about himself and is looking for that quick fix to make him feel better.
The reason he hung up on you was because he felt like he wasn't being heard. MLCers want to be heard and validated. There is no sense arguing with him because it will get you no place. Just try your best to zip your lip and listen. You don't have to agree but listen......"I am sorry you feel that way H". Or like Holly told me you can say "you may be right". Don't try and win every fight, I had that same problem and I am still working on it. Sometimes when your emotions get the best of you all DBusting rules go out the window. It's hard to think straight when you are so upset, I know.
Also, the reason he didn't answer you was becasue he didn't have the answers himself.
This ride sucks for everyone involved. The MLCers does not realize all the hurt they are causing to everyone else. They are selfish at this time and only care about themselves. He is being a two year old and wants what he wants.
Mom, Snodderly gave me good advice that helps me out: Just think of your H overseas right now fighting a war and you have to find a way to survive on your end. You can do this, we can do this. Lets hold hands together.
I am also the type who talks very fast and I am afraid I am not going to say everything I need too. So much is unsaid with this R and it is infuriating.
I know I am hurt by the OW and the fact that H lies to me all the time...I also am dealing with the fact that this M is over. H said yesterday that even if he did not have OW he still would not come home. I did not make him happy. I wanted to say but didn't that we make our own happiness. I didn't think fast enough to say this.
I guess I can't stand to be blamed when this is not my fault...H said he blamed me for the situation and I said the situation we are in right now is his fault...H is having an A....no response.
I have every intention of keeping him informed of D's activities, I did not keep the practice from him intentionally...I am sure that is how it sounded when I said you haven't called or seen your kids in a week!
Mrs, I would have more compassion for H if he was fighting in a war...that would be a noble choice for being away from home...right now there is nothing noble about what H is doing...
God I hope my L is strong enough to get me what I deserve for my kids to live a good life!! I am so worried financially right now b/c H doesn't have a job again and who knows when he is going to be giving me any money for the bills!!
Mrs, you should be very proud of yourself for going back to school...nursing is such a great profession! you have to be a compassionate, caring individual for doing a job like that (I can tell you are!) You will feel independent from H and will not have to rely on him as much...all good things. I am happy I have a stable teaching job, I feel needed by my students everyday and I am 1/2 way to my masters degree. Right now I can't concentrate on going back to school...was going to take classes this summer but I don't think with what is to come between now and 6/1 (possibly last court date for D) that my mind will be on school...who knows maybe in the fall!
I do need to talk to H today, b/c he is not working I need help with watching the kids...do you think I should apologize for yesterday or pretend it did not happen...I would maybe just say that I understand why he hung up on me and I did not intentionally keep the practice from him....What do you think? How should I phrase it?
Mrs, how is your sitch going as far as the L's and progress?
