NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Tam,

Please read the thread between me and "Always" (or is it "Always14" ??) about taking a H back BEFORE they are ready to come back. If nothing has changed and it is fear/discomfort/guilt that drives them home (or forces them back) then YOU WILL HAVE WON THE BATTLE BUT LOST THE WAR!! Think about that.

Stop hoping for the crumbs 1210 is referring to, and thinking that's enough for a life long marriage. My aunt's H left her decades ago and for a long time she was crushed. He left her for OW and married the OW (after the OW's h died by suicide....uncle felt OW "needed" him more than aunt did, and left aunt with their 2 kids, so he could raise OW's "fatherless" kids....) ??!! ANYHOW....

Years passed and OW calls my aunt to ask her, where uncle is, as in, was uncle WITH aunt again?!!?? ( i.e., (STILL A CHEATING HUSBAND 8 YEARS LATER WITH 'LOVE OF HIS LIFE' WIFE #2)) My aunt told me it was at that moment she suddenly had a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. She realized that if she had stayed with uncle, she would STILL be up at night every time he "worked late" and she'd still have that stomach ache hurting her in the gut every time he acted the least bit "distant/cold/tired," etc....She was FREE!! What a relief and what a favor uncle had done AUNT... Yes, she remarried (27 years now )and is happy, btw. POINT is that by taking a man back IF he is not ready to come back and without any change on both your parts, you are fooling yourself. It won't work in the long run and you know what? LIFE IS SHORT, and it's too short to be in a crappy scary marriage asking "is he gonna leave me today or tomorrow or in 5 years...", ????? OUCH!!! Enough.

You know the one thing worse than being alone now??? is having him come back and then finding yourself is IN THIS EXACT POSITION 5 - 10 years from now, instead of 1) fixing the real problems and having a good marriage or 2) ending it and moving on in your life with the possibility of meeting a good guy or 3) moving on and discovering things about yourself you'd never have discovered if you were still in a BAD M, or 4) BEST CASE-- a combination of the above.

Oh, the other worse thing than being alone.....is wishing you were.....
Regardless of who did what to whom, lose the scorecard and realize that the reality is, To reconcile you both have to recognize and want to rectify whatever roles you have in the problems of the M, AND you both have to forgive each other. I am not sure, but for me the forgiving part is taking longer than I thought AND is harder than the first part. You are still in the obsessing first part asking WHY? Why? why???????? There is no "why" for now, it just is. Cope with what you have and move forward or you will be STUCK in marital limbo until your h gets so sick of it and smothered by your needs, HE"LL bolt out the door.

Sorry to "yell" but I am in a hurry at the moment. You need to read and listen to what we are all saying. You can get yourself through this, but it really is something that ONLY YOU can do. Yes with God's help, ours, the counselors --and the xanax if the alternative is grovelling or doing something crazier.... BUT it is ultimately you that has to decide how you want your life to go. Be the author of your life, Tam. Stop letting this confused man write the novel of your life. Be done with this chapter and start writing the book of your life the way YOU want it to go. How will the next chapter be for you? What will Tam do?? Find out in the next chapter.... TAM is writing it!!
j-