Again, thank you guys for your never-ending support. It means so much to me. I can't say that enough.
I got more sleep last night but have hit an exhaustion wall today. I am so incredibly tired that I can't even see straight. So I've come home early in hopes I can get to bed early tonight and hopefully get to sleep and get a decent night's sleep. We'll see.....
So still more details to follow, but regarding Easter, I did NOT call H regarding going to Easter. I worked hard to stick with my plan of not contacting him about it if HE did not bring it up. So he called Saturday afternoon (again, imagine that, him putting something off until the last minute...). He asked if I wanted to go to Easter or not. I asked him what HE wanted me to do, and he said he would like for me to go. I asked if it would be awkward for him, and he said it would be more awkward for him to explain why I was not there... So I agreed to go.
Then, after I got off the phone, I was sick the rest of the day knowing that I should have just told him I wasn't going to go. Why should I make it EASIER and less awkward for HIM? As I've said, he made this bed - he needs to deal with the fallout from it, not me. So the whole rest of the night I struggled with it, wanting to call him to tell him I'd changed my mind and then not being able to/wanting to muster up the strength to do it... On top of that, Saturday was the day that I was so exhausted that I was just on an emotional roller coaster, which wasn't helping matters any....
So I obviously never called him, AND on top of that, I had the NERVE to tell him that if he wanted to come and stay the night at our house to leave in the morning he could... (he said he was going down south to a poker game with the guys on Saturday night, and the Easter get-together was all the way down south (Ow's house is way further north than our house), so that is what brought it up. He said he might just stay at his friend's house down south and go to Easter from there and see me there. Anyway, that's when I said that. WTH was I thinking???? I wanted to take the words back as soon as I said them... I am just so desperate to be with him right now that my judgment gets clouded in the heat of the moment often times. However, at least I am finally RECOGNIZING the errors in my ways. Hopefully that is the first step in making positive changes.
So he did not come home that night and came home about an hour before we were supposed to leave on Easter morning. He didn't use his clicker to open the garage door and manually opened it. (WTH?) I don't know if he didn't want to alert me that he was home or what... Anyway, he just came in the door and sat on the couch downstairs - did not come up to let me know he was home. I went down to say hello and then got ready to go.
So that's it up until we left to go to the Easter get-together, and then you know the rest from there. So at least I did not call him to ask him about Easter, but I still should have told him that I wasn't going and should NEVER, EVER have said he could come home that night... Ugh... Baby steps...
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You had some good positives...now don't set it back by being pushy or too anxious...wait it out.
Yeah, a little too late for that unfortunately.... Ugh... So today I was bad once again... I was doing okay this morning, and then H came to the office for a while, and my desperation set in again. So I went down and asked him for a hug and then asked him if he is coming home soon (which I've already ASKED him...) He said he is working on it (excuses). I told him I miss him and he said "I know." And I told him I wanted to be a good wife. Anyway, I hugged him for a while, and he said I was trapping him in his office (he was getting ready to leave). So we moved to the hallway where the door is to leave, and he gave me one more hug.
So, big backslide today, and I know that, and I'm furious at myself... I didn't talk to him again until just a while ago. He called to ask me to get him the number and/or to call the dentist to schedule an appointment for him, as he broke his tooth at dinner tonight.
Virginia, I AM enabling him to continue this behavior and not face the music. While I'm sure this isn't a cakewalk for him, I'm not forcing him out of his comfort zone and making him deal with not having me around. That is not good. I'm also being too nice and clingy again over the last couple of days. Again, both not attractive to him I'm sure and also not pushing him away to make him curious and want me more. Again, I RECOGNIZE this and just need to work on not acting in the heat of the moment and doing/saying things I'm going to regret.
It's becoming increasingly evident to me that I need to move my office back home until this is resolved. When I'm home, I don't feel the need to snoop around his office and feel a sense of "peace" - kind of like when I was in Vegas. I don't worry so much about him and what he is doing/going/etc.
I need to figure out how to backpedal a little bit and make him think that I'm just not going to be the supportive wife standing my his side and waiting while he continues to sleep with another woman. Probably moving my office would be a really good and big step towards that, but now that what's been said has been said and he knows that I want him back still, I'm not sure what dialog I should use when/if he asks me about why I've moved my office. Realistically, as you know, I am so far behind right now that I'm not sure when I'll have the time to pack everything and get it organized to move, so it's not like it will be in the near future, but I hope to do it as soon as I can. It will be really inconvenient as far as being a lot farther away from places I need to go during the day, but it's worth it at this point...
I'm angry at myself and angry at him at the same time. I just know that, like everything else with this, he's going to put off doing anything about this with her until he's forced into it with some sort of deadline. At this point, there is no pending trip or whatnot to give him a deadline, and I'm not going to give him a deadline/ultimatum at this point, so I'm not sure what the best solution is. As Virginia said, he just doesn't want to rock the boat right now. So he'll probably stay with OW until he's "forced" to face doing something different. How I bring that about without putting out an ultimatum I'm not sure... AND I want him to come home only when he's ready and not force him to, as Lin pointed out...
AND I know I still have so much work to do on ME.... I'm starting to slowly at least grasp the concept of the things I do wrong and the changes I need to make but know I have so far to go. I don't know if it's possible to keep working on this if he comes home soon or not... It's just hard to say right now... And, even though he said he's working on it, he said that for 2 months or so before he came home for our first trip, so by him working on it, that probably means he thinks about it for 30 seconds a day or whatnot...
Anyway, gotta run for now and see if I can get some rest tonight and try to get a lot of work done tomorrow on a fresh mind. Let me know your thoughts as you have time, and I still want to respond to your other posts at some point... Bear with me... And know that I'm at least reconizing more rapidly the negative things I'm doing. I need to put more distance between us again and make him wonder/worry. Maybe another trip is in order without him, but I need to get a lot of work done before I would feel good about going away again... We'll see. Hopefully I'll have a fresh mind tomorrow and be able to think more clearly about all of this.
