Is it over for me?

[PennyMB]

YoYO,

Thank you so much for the nice advice on my thread. Our situations are so much alike. We are so lucky to have such supportive kids. My boys are both in college but they usually call me about every day. They help me alot. As it sounds like your girls do for you. I have done the same thing you have. I've lost weight, let my hair get long and layered, some new clothes and tanned and he did compliment me at a funeral the other day and then on Easter How well I looked. I had to txt him to day and at the end I kinda told him what a good job he had done at his job helping his brother keeping everything going and producing. He txt me back and said what a helluva job I was doing with my life and the business and to keep it up. Go Figure....What do you think nice or does he care?

Like you said to me. I am here for you. I don't know what advice except we are both trying to detach and it is a tough one. I think we are getting stonger. We must not expect to much. The expectations sometimes fool us. You said you know you have aleast til May. Thats the same as me. We will know more on our one business then.

We just have to keep GAL and keep being positive. Lets keep helping each other. There are so many great people on these threadsgiving such great advice. It does make us stronger.

Hang in there. Thanks again for taking the time to help me.

[runningoutoftime]

Gosh Yoyo your description of Easter reminds me of Memorial Weekend with my husband last year. That was about the time my husband finally let go of his anger and was open for friendship. I was putting the hand of friendship out without any expectations (I was fully detached and completely prepared for divorce), but I was also putting out the occassional invitation knowing he might be a bit lonely and missing out on family things, holding no grudges or animosity (I think that's a key in this whole thing. The LBS absolutely MUST let go of anger and blame), and just being pleasant and happy with my life wherever it was going.

Being nice and friendly, but always without expecting anything in return. It's being able to give knowing you might get nothing back, and giving the other person the space to figure out where they really want to be.

To me it sounds like you're going in the right direction.
Good for you!

[Yoyowife]

Root,
Again thanks for the encouragement. I honestly used to stress if I didn't talk to him often, but I'm getting much better at detaching. Not that I wouldn't give anything to have our marriage back, but I know I can't make him change his mind, all I can do is pray and try to be a good person. I really don't know the relationship with him and OW right now, but she still works for him, so who knows. I just knows it's not in my hands right now. I will enjoy my girls and friends and be a friend to him when given the opportunity. So what do you think of him still saying he will help out with the fund raiser I'm involved in?

[Yoyowife]

Hi all,
I'm having one of those blah days. Nothing much going on. I haven't seen or spoken to H since Sunday. I continue to detach. My D15 and I are staying busy. She even drove on the interststate yesterday to the mall, ah the joys of teaching a teenager to drive! I just feel this should be his job, he is missing out on so much. She did call him when we got home and told him. She also asked him when he was going to come and uncover our pool. I'm glad that she is staying in touch with him and that I don't have to ask him to do these things. It doesn't sound as needy when she does it.
My H just confuses me so much. The charity group I belong to which raises money for our children's hospital is throwing a benefit fishing tournament. It will be Memorial Day weekend. When I found out about it about a month ago H said he didn't want to fish it, but would be glad to help out with it. Well, Sunday, he took a sponsorship form saying he would be a sponsor and probably find some other business owners who would do the same. We are also selling raffle tickets for a boat, he took all of those and said he would see those for me as well. My point is, why if the marriage is over is he willing to do this? He doesn't have to.

[runningoutoftime]

The one thing about detachment is you want to detach emotionally, but it doesn't necessarily need to be physical. There is a difference between the two. Being able to be around you husband physically and being a good friend, not showing any blame and just having a relaxed good time together as a family is powerful. Sex can be powerful too, of course. The trick with detachment is to emotionally detach...

If he wants to be involved I would let him. I'd be nice and thankful, but not expect much more else. Live your life as if he's a friend. Make sure the times you are together are good ones so he has positive images of you, the kids and his family to hold in his head. Even when they do something crummy it isn't worth blaming or creating bad memories. Never take anything personal. Just be independent and happy in yourself. It's hard to know what his motives for involvement are, but don't worry about it. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. There are nice things about not having them around. You get the whole bed to yourself... you can buy new clothes without having to sneak them in when H isn't home... you can make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with Campbell's Chicken and Rice soup for dinner and everyone in the house is happy with it...

That isn't saying you wouldn't choose your marriage and having your family together first, but sometimes there are silver linings...

[slmom9598]

Root, you always have good advice. How long did it take for your husband to end his affair? My husband loves me tried to end it came home left again yesterday. He couldnt take missing her and being here. He is a very weak selfish guilt ridden person right now. He is also extremely confused. I thought I was okay and now I am here again alone having to be the one to back off again. He told me that not seeing me and hearing from me made him miss me so much. So I know it works. I really do not believe it will last there with OW and that he will be at his mothers before too long. I do not think he will be able to handle not hearing from me. What do I do in the mean time? How do I detach? How long do I give it now before I do some inviting? Should I give it a good week or two of hardly hearing from me or give it a few days and when he calls say next time you are out lets go for a bike ride? I am just not sure what I should do. I have friends that said dont call him dont text him dont be cooking for him they have told me to back completely off and let him get his belly full of her. Let him see that it isnt working with her even when you are out of the picture. They said he will be so depressed and missing me and she wont be able to handle that. What do you think about that?

[Yoyowife]

Hi Everyone,
I just got home from the Women of Faith - Amazing Freedom Tour. We went Friday night and spent the night and stayed all day today. If you have never attended one, it is one of the most awesome experiences you will ever experience. There was wonderful singing, testimonials, comedy, and even dramatizations. They have a website, check it out. Sandy Patty was there, she has the most powerful voice that you will ever hear. The conference really touched my heart, there were powerful messages about God.

I debated whether to call my H and tell him that I was going. My oldest D was coming home from college so I knew that she could stay with youngest D15. But I thought the right thing to do was to inform my H and to make sure he would be in town if they needed anything. I told him he could spend the night at the house to keep an eye on daughters if he didn't feel comfortable letting them stay by theirselves.

When I called him to let him know about me going out of town. He was real friendly and chatty. He asked where I was going and who with. I love that he wanted to know - ha! While I was talking to him his cell phone dropped the call. I didn't call him back because I had told him everything I needed to tell him. About 5 minutes later he called me back and told me his phone had gone dead. I was surprised he called back. He asked if I needed cash, if so he would go to the bank and get it for me. When I got home from work that day he had already brought the money over and left it on the counter for me! I did not even ask for it. I suggested to youngest D that she should ask her dad to take her out to eat since I would not be home. I thought it would be a good time for them to spend quality time together since they haven't been together much lately. He ended up taking her and a friend out to eat. He did not stay the night with her. There ended up being a little drama at the house that night, but D took care of it (uninvited teenage guest). I was really glad that I had called H and told him I wouldn't be in town that way if they would have had to call him, he couldn't have gotten mad at me.

When I called him on Thurs. night. He told me we could do something Sat. night. I called him when I got home to see if wanted to make dinner plans. He said he and his dad were busy cleaning up around his business and wanted to try to finish it and he would call me later. We shall see, but I will not call him.

[PennyMB]

It sounds like your nite and day at the tour was very good for you. I am so glad you enjoyed it.

Good girl you are doing well by not calling. I wish I could do that. Somedays I can and somedays I have a horrible time.

You did well by informing him about you being gone and the girls would call if they needed him.. I have done the same things with my S'S suggesting they call their Dad.

I hope he calls and takes you to dinner. Be relaxed and enjoy yourselve if he does. You deserve it.

[Yoyowife]

Okay to update what happened yesterday. He did not return call. We had a minor incident with youngest daughter, she decided to let a friend drive her sister's car without permission. I called H to talk to him about it and see how we should handle it. I couldn't get ahold of him. Oldest D was very mad at younger D and also tried to call her dad. He didn't answer and she left him a message saying something to the effect, thanks for being around Dad when I need you. He called me and asked what was going on. I told him and then I said I thought you were going to call me back. He said I'm so sorry after cleaning up the shop I laid down and fell asleep and left my phone plugged up in the other room. He said I will be over there in a minute and we can decide what to do. We decided we talk to her and tell her the insurance risk and such and that if it ever happened again she would be grounded. He ended up staying the night and was very sweet and we ML. Today he went to his shop to change the oil in the vehicles one of them being D's. I called him and told him I had gotten him lunch. He ate then went back to the shop to do some work. I ended up taking a nap. I woke up and needed to go to the grocery store. When I walked outside he was out there weedeating the yard! I cooked a nice dinner and he stayed and watched TV afterwards. He just left and said I will be back later. I said okay I'll see later. I did not ask him where he was going. Baby steps. Patience, Patience, Patience!

[Yoyowife]

H did come back last night and spend the night. I'm taking everyone's advice. I'm thankful but will not read too much into it. When will I wake up from this bad dream? We all believe that our spouses would never leave us. The positive is that we are communicating and ML.