ssm--low desire with spouse..but not ld person

[Crazy Eddie]

OK, good. Now we've got to boil this list down to the things you think he is doing wrong. Not how he feels, or how you feel, but what is he doing that you think he shouldn't be doing, and what he is refusing to do that you think he should. Once you've got that list, it's time to figure out what actions aren't actually wrong, what items you can live with, and what items you can't live with, and address the first two categories in your own mind while you enlist his help to address the third.

Let's get started...

resentment in feeling invisible to him...resentment that all he talked about was work...resentment that he is short with the kids and doesn't appreciate me ( what I do at home and for the kids)

How do you know he doesn't appreciate you? I'm guessing your real accusation is that he doesn't show his appreciation for you in a way that you recognize. By taking up your conversations showing off his contributions and not letting you brag about your contributions, he gives you the impression that only his contribution is important and meaningful, even though he may not actually believe that.

Clearly, he's only doing what you would also be doing if only he would hold still and listen to it. You both want to show off your work. Would he actually refuse to hold still and listen to it?

You do however, hear it when the kids are bad and then you get "these kids are spoiled" "They are ungrateful" and then basically you take it personally like it is your fault and you are a failure at your "job"

Does he say it's your fault and call you a failure? Or do you think that any misbehavior on the part of the kids indicates that you are failing and you're just upset with him for reminding you of something that you're interpreting as your failure?

Now kids aren't robots. They've got minds of their own, they form their own judgement, they have their own perceptions, and their perceptions can differ from reality in any of a hundred different ways. They've also got their own moods and temperments that they were in large part born with.

Parents do influence their kids' behavior. And there may be things you are doing that encourage misbehavior, and there may be things that he thinks you are doing to encourage misbehavior.

But it is possible that he is criticizing the kids themselves, accusing the kids of misbehaving despite their excellent upbringing, rather than accusing you of leading them astray.

Please don't misread--my kids are my life...i love the fact that i can be at home with them. But I had a fantastic reputation in the business world and that identity has been lost.

Really? Everyone that you've impressed and worked with has just up and forgotten about you? Or have you just lost touch with them for the time being?

Do you need to be included in a wider social circle than you are at present? And how is this his fault? Is he refusing to watch the kids so you can go out and acquire or maintain a circle of friends? Or has the subject not come up?

So, the revised list:

1. He doesn't show appreciation for your work or let you talk about it, while talking at length about his work.
2. He is overly harsh with the kids. He appears to implicitly accuse you of being a bad mom.
3. He makes it difficult for you to have a social life, by refusing to relive you of childcare duties and by discouraging you from dressing up while you're out.
4. He doesn't give any indication of being impressed by your weight loss.

Are we on the right track? And with respect to item 2, do you know for a fact whether he is accusing you of being a bad mom, or whether he's simply accusing the kids of going astray on their own? If you don't, it's time to have a conversation with him to get to the bottom of it. The rest of that list seems pretty cut and dried to me.

Now when you bring him that list, don't be surprised to find out that he's got his own list. In fact, if he claims not to, he is almost certainly holding back, either because he doesn't like conflict, or because he doesn't feel that his list is sufficiently thought-out to present to you.