No one over in "cheating" has any comments for me, so I'm going to post this here -- any insights/input, etc.? H is still talking to OW/EA daily at least once. Yes, I snooped -- looked @ incoming/outgoing calls on cell. He has a history of EA's. 2 a long time ago while deployed (left feeling neglected, had not bothered to talk to me about it -- after 1st child). Had a PA/one night stand several years ago as well (again, while deployed). He is leaving May 1 for a year deployment. Dropped D bomb back in January. Said if we kept going the way we were, didn't think he could be faithful.
As I said, the last 2 wks or so have been very good. He has definitely started coming around. I felt some pulling back in him this a.m., but I could just be reading into the fact that he isn't feeling well/tired.
Can someone please fill me in, in more detail, about EA's. I know they are sometimes worse than PA's. I guess (and I know I probably will never understand or know) I don't understand/know what she is giving him that I'm not. Or what they talk about that is so important. He does work w/ her, but I don't think they are just talking shop.
I have not asked him about it, nor do I intend to, b/c right now my mission is to make sure we are as healthy as we can be before he leaves / I'm paving the road for, when he is gone and has time to think things over, he looks back and sees how good things really are WITH ME/family (3 little boys).
Anyway, this OW he says is a "friend," although he "started to like her," but never PA. He talked to her about our M, etc. I also know she was/hopefully still is trying to get back w/ her ex so I suppose they talk(ed) about that too. I don't know what her status is w/ ex or anyone else in her life. Can someone give me some insight into this? Thoughts? Advice on how to deal w/ this? Thanks.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, this topic definitely caught my eye, as I have had my own EA. I don't know your exact situation, but I you asked about things that OW could be giving him that he is not getting from you. I can relate some of my past feelings, maybe it will help.
I felt wanted and desired by OW, that she felt I was attractive emotionally and physically. I felt no desire or attraction from my W. I felt understood by OW, that we agreed on most important life issues. I did not feel that way with my W. I felt that OW wanted to have fun with me and have an exciting life. I felt that my W wanted to only focus on the minutiae of existing. I felt like OW listened to me and wanted to help me. I felt like my W only cared about herself and her needs. I felt like OW appreciated everything I did for her. I felt like my W appreciated nothing I did for her. I felt like OW was actively trying to do nice things for me. I felt that my W would rather focus on the kids or herself.
Obviously, looking at the above list, many of the items are as a result of the "fog" of an EA. Things that are in fact small seem huge and lots of rationalizing occurs. But there are actually some things in there that are of real concern, things that frankly I have not yet been able to solve in my M (like feeling desired by my W, or that she wants to have fun with me, or that she appreciates me). Maybe one thing you can do is think of ways to make your H feel that you desire him, that you want to be his "recreational companion" (as Harley puts it), and that you admire and appreciate him. That may be very hard, considering he is rejecting you in many ways.
I will say that the EA will not stop until the fog lifts. There are two ways to cut through the fog. Either he has to see that what he has with OW really isn't as good as what he has with you, or he has to see that what he has with OW is really bad. Once the fog lifts then logic can come back into play. Most people tend to focus on the second part, threaten D, etc. But I think unless the offended partner is willing to take a hard look at what is going on in the M and make a conscious choice to work together to improve the situation, the next EA is just waiting to happen.
Don't know if that was helpful at all, but I do wish you the best. I hope your H's fog lifts soon and he is able to break free from the EA that is most likely destroying him in many subtle ways that he doesn't even realize.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
What do you think he might be getting from these other women that he is not getting from you? I doubt he talks to that OW because she makes him feel bad, KWIM?
Ok, and this is being totally honest, I will and can own up to all of the reasons he started the EA, but since the D bomb, I have completely been striving to change and have changed all of those reasons in our M.
We ML usually every other day, if not more often than that, I am affectionate, loving, I will just give him a kiss on the back of the neck or just touch him when I walk by, I talk to him about his interests and work, I make sure we have "us" time, just the 2 of us, no children -- either dates or just making sure I stay up after the boys go to bed and spend quality time w/ him either talking or watching a movie together, etc.
I know he talked to her about our M and how bad things were, etc. Then he began to "like" her. Like I said I know, at least awhile ago, she was trying to get back w/ her ex (boyfriend I think, but dad of her child) and don't know what the status is of that. I don't know what he is telling her now about our M and I guess that's what bothers me the most, but then I think if he is still telling her it's bad between us when it's not, etc., he is going to start feeling guilty about that.
I just don't know what he needs to be talking to her about when I feel like I am truly giving him everything he needs. I'm just afraid that, when he's deployed, he is going to be talking to her on the phone, etc. for hours on end @ night instead of ME!!
I also don't want to ask him about it b/c I'm afraid of rocking the boat. We are still at a very touchy point in getting our M back together, you know?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Can someone please fill me in, in more detail, about EA's. I know they are sometimes worse than PA's. Just my opinion/guess, if PA'a are only about sex and the emotional connections/bondings are not strong, then the PA might be easier to give up if some other woman makes a stronger emotional connection and also provides sex.
I can see/imagine an EA with almost all shared values in sync with each other being difficult to give up if yur H was looking a emotional connection that was very strong.
Said if we kept going the way we were, didn't think he could be faithful. That sounded like a call for help. Some guys leave then tell you why. He is telling you before hand things are not right from his POV. ask him what part of the M and R is important.
To open this area up to a conversation and some real work, both of you could go over the questionaires (print out 3 sets- yours orivate, his private, combined after each of you do your own) on the marriage builder's site (click on the links on the left side of the page) http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html
Anyway, this OW he says is a "friend," although he "started to like her," So, that is one big clue. I think you said you were being his friend to patch things up. A very good first step.
If you two could do the questionaires as "friends" that might help. If you do them as "this is what is wrong with you" don't do them.
I'm paving the road for, when he is gone and has time to think things over, he looks back and sees how good things really are WITH ME/family (3 little boys). I hope this is something that will make hin work on the M CD34. It would be for me.
I know we're getting away from the SSM part here, but I swear I am being a totally devoted W in every aspect of our M. I think that's why he finally came around -- that and the fact that I never got angry w/ him about the D bomb and all that came w/ it. I have just been very, very constant this whole time in the changes I have made in myself and for our M.
I guess that's why I am wondering why he needs to still be talking to her. Like I said, though, I just don't want to rock the boat right now by asking anything about her. We seem to be doing so well w/o any R talk, etc. We're also in a different sitch in the fact that he's leaving for the year on May 1. I am not getting the feeling any more that he's just pacifying me. I mean he & I are talking way, way future plans that include us being married, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
We ML usually every other day, if not more often than that, I am affectionate, loving, I will just give him a kiss on the back of the neck or just touch him when I walk by, I talk to him about his interests and work, I make sure we have "us" time, just the 2 of us, no children -- either dates or just making sure I stay up after the boys go to bed and spend quality time w/ him either talking or watching a movie together, etc.
All that sounds really good and I'm sure it must help. But do you know exactly what he was unhappy about? You've done all those things, but you might still be missing something else that bothers him. Have you asked? It sounds like you are trying to "do" things together, but are you two "connecting?" Maybe that is something he gets from the OW?
His "gripes" were that I never wanted to have sex (true), I had become angry, bitter & tired (true), he said once "I just wanted you to talk to me" (which I am now doing). I guess my feeling is that the "connecting" is kind of like "piecing" -- it's going to take him awhile to get there or us to get there -- I have told myself to be patient -- it took him a long time to get to where he was saying "I don't love you like that" so it's going to take him awhile to get that back and to get back to where he needs to be in the M.
Honestly, I am so scared to bring up any R talk at all b/c of what it might trigger in his mind - does that make sense? I just want us to have as much "good time" before he leaves as we can. I don't want to go & ruin what we have built back up/established in the past weeks. We are finally seemingly doing so much better and I don't want to do anything to put us back at "square 1" again.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
So, he has had multiple affairs in a relatively short period of time. Is that correct?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm only guessing here, but I suspect that although you're working hard (and admirably) to meet his needs NOW, you weren't (admittedly) in the past, so he went and got his needs met elsewhere, and now he's just used to it. Like a "bad habit." I think he likes the thrill of another woman in his life, and has a hard time letting go of that now that his wife is working so hard to meet his needs.
