my infedility, pls help

[S_O_T_S]

Hi r. Sorry no reply for a while. I'll quote you in bold:

--it's the 5th time in the whole 13 years that he laid a hand on me--

Well dear, that would be about five times too many, perhaps four if you were an exceptionally forgiving person.

--u're right, H didn't apologize or anything--

This is the saddest thing to me. My senses tell me he probably feels that his actions are justified. His anger might be...

--what happened made me more afraid of him. i avoid H in order to avoid conversation that would spark his temper again.

And why wouldn't you feel that way. Fearing his temper. Fearing what might happen next. Wanting to avoid 'provoking' him.

i feel it's a status qou right now. it's like being there, but not there,...... like a zombie.

I can understand this. Still feel this way?

GAL would be an option. but wouldn't it selfish of me again to just think about my self?

Selfish? Maybe. Self-preservation? Definitely.

for sure i can't bring the Ds with me.....H would not give them to me.....i can't afford to raise them.

Well, this is a difficult situation, and perhaps is the answer to the question that's been banging around in my head since I read this post.

D10 say she'd commit suicide if i leave. it's painful hearing that from her......so sensitive to whats happening in our home. phew....

Well, this makes it even tougher. At some point, you have to weigh staying and perhaps having this happen again against giving up your kids. I don't envy you that choice, only say I can understand why you'd choose either way, and the difficulty that lies in even making such a difficult choice.

i can't forgive myself even more.

You have to forgive yourself. Did you make a mistake? Sure. Learn from it, don't repeat it. It's all you can do. You are human, right?

And another thing. Don't you dare feel like his actions are your fault. He's done this before, and if he wasn't using your "mistake" as justification, I expect it just would be something else.

thamks for being there guys.....

Sorry I didn't make it by sooner.

Take care, and hope things are going better.