W at Home, Yet Sleeps Elsewhere

[Concerned_Listener]

If you found out she is spending 90% of her nights with another man, what would your approach be then??

Alaska,
I think there's a difference between you and I regarding how much we need to know. MWD states that it's OK for the LBS to either want to know many details of the affair or very little.

I'm not sure how having detailed knowledge changes my approach. I already have the information I need. There is obviously a problem. I need to be in DB mode.

I can probably assume by her distant behavior toward me, the fact we sleep in separate bedrooms, having sex only once in three months, that there is an EA/PA going on.

My knowledge of the details doesn't change a thing. I'm DB as if an EA/PA is going on, and that she's having a MLC. I think my approach changes only when the sleeping elsewhere behavior stops. My current approach stays the same up thru D.

CL

[Yoyowife]

CL,
Keep DBing until she comes home or you decide that you have done all that you can or desire to do to save your marriage. I finally got my H to admit the affair. He at first said we needed to work on us. This lasted about a week and then he was back to he had tried, but has no feelings for me. So part of me thinks I might have been better just keeping my mouth shut. I'm not sure where we stand now. You have read my thread. So I guess what I'm saying is just follow the DB rules, and don't push her about details of the OM or her whereabouts. WAS are not thinking clearly now, only of themselves. No amount of reasoning or threats will change that.

[Alaska]

I guess we do think differently. And that's OK. Like I said before, only YOU know what's right for YOU and what you will tolerate.

[whatisis]

CL, go and have the time of your life! Show her that you are in top form and that she's giving up a great catch. This is a chance to come out a winner and have a good time too. I say go for it and let what is happening at home stay there! Remember, she doesn't want to see a sniveling, sulking man sitting in the corner feeling and looking pathetic, that won't get her love back. Being strong by having a good time could be attractive! Again, go for it.

[Concerned_Listener]

YYW, Alaska, and Whatis,
Thanks for sharing your opinions, and for your support.

It's clear to me what I need to work on for my own personal growth--becoming more comfortable with personal power. My history is to be strong in the softer skills such as listening, patience, and diplomacy. I need to work on assertiveness, self-expression, social participation, and countering negative thoughts.

I need to work on these skills while detached from my W (though maintaining some connection). The motivation is not to pursue my W, but to improve myself. We'll practice and see how I think, act, and feel differently. We'll see how it affects all aspects of my life, including my M.

CL

[Concerned_Listener]

Friends,
I thought I would give an update on my GAL activities.

I'm disappointed that I didn't pass my dance test last night. I'm in Salsa 3, and trying to move into Salsa 4. This was my third time in the class. It's tough in that you pass or fail in front of your classmates.

It's a lesson in learning to accept your own pace, and rate of growth, and not compare yourself to others. It's also a lesson in reminding yourself of progress made, in spite of feedback that was a snapshot in time, versus taking into account the progress that has been made.

The teacher said that I'm still not fluid in my movements, and that I look like I'm thinking too much when I dance. She also thinks my legs are too stiff.

This particular teacher has great technical knowledge and skill, but doesn't balance her feedback with criticism and praise. I had a hard time understanding all the things she was telling me, but I think I need to work on the basic steps, and keep practicing the class moves. I'm not sure how to correct her other concerns. I will ask the group lesson teacher to look at my basic step and see what she thinks.

Dancing is a challenge for me in that I'm inhibited when it comes to body movement. One teacher thinks I'm fundamentally sound, but need more flair. Someone will have to teach me.

I will think about the feedback that's been given, and return for the next session. I make progress each session, and improve an element of dancing. I will try to be patient and know that I will pass the class at some point, at my pace.

I've been teaching myself the elements of fiction via writing technique books, and a writer's magazine. I'm teaching myself how to analyze a short story. I want to develop this skill, so that I can participate more skillfully in the writer's group discussions.

CL

[BeingMe]

Hi CL!

One of my GAL activities was (and still is) creative writing. I find it a wonderful way to utilize my imagination, relieve myself of stress by focusing on my self created worlds, and yet it takes a certain amount of commitment, structured thinking, and strategizing. I love it, and even if I never publish anything, I will continue to write. I also enjoy writing poetry. I read in a recent Writers Magazine, that it is a good idea to keep a writing journal, to plot how much, when, what, one writes on a daily basis. For instance, you can journal your progress in character creation, or plot, or whatever. I thought it an interesting thing to try, and hopefully improve my writing, as well as, make it a more structured activity (presently, I just write when I'm in the mood).

I am also thinking of taking dancing classes, and my H may join me, if it falls on the weekends (since he will be away from home during the week). Who knows, it may awaken his romantic side, if he has one.

I am glad to see that you do not get offended at the examiners comments after your dance exam. Some people are just not as flexible as others, and there is probably not a lot you can do about it, except focus on improving what you can. You take yoga, so that may help somewhat with you flexibility?

BTW, I see that you understand where your W is coming from, in ignoring you at social events. I, for one, still think that anyone who does that is just being insensitive and rude. But, that's just me.

Take care.

[Concerned_Listener]

Being,
I'm still new to fiction writing, but am having a great time learning the craft. I'm going to write short stories. I'm still trying to get the hang of what I'm supposed to do with a journal, but will figure it out. I've been doing workshop exercises, Step-By-Step exercises from The Writer magazine, and am currently reading, "Turning Life into Fiction," by Robin Hemley.

I've been thinking about what my dance teacher told me on Monday. I'm going to take her feedback and modify my strategy. My strategy has been to take a group lesson weekly, go to a venue every Friday, and practice weekly with my W. This approach has benefited me greatly. but it's not solving all my dance-related problems.

I'm going to take a private lesson from an instructor who I think I would fit well with. He doesn't teach at this studio, but I need to assemble my own team, that meets my needs. My style is more graceful than bold. My dance teacher is bold, and I think favors that style. This guy is more graceful than bold. I'm going to have him look at my basic step, and see if he can get me to have more fluidity and flair when I dance. I also want balanced feedback, as my ego is fragile, and my confidence is not yet solid, when it comes to dancing.

CL

[BeingMe]

Hi CL! That sounds like an interesting book to read. I think I may check it out at our local bookstore. Our local college is running a Continuing Education course called Beginning Your Life Story. Below is a description of the course, and it sounds like a way to practice the craft with something we have intimate knowledge of. I think I will register for the course, as this may help me in my own self-discovery, and getting some clarity about my M, since that is a huge part of my life's story.

"Everyone has a story to tell" is an adage that is so true. You either want to get down the highlights of your life on paper or someone else - maybe a spouse, a child or a grandchild - has been urging you to do it. Learn the different options to start your life story. Share parts of your story with others and enjoy listening to excerpts from others' lives as well.

Good luck with the new instructor. You sound like the type of person that perseveres, and that is such a good trait when learning something as challenging as dancing.

Thanks again, for your comments on my thread. I really do appreciate any and all input. I am way too subjective with my M right now, and need a lot of objectivity, and different viewpoints.

Take care.

[Concerned_Listener]

Friends,
I've been screening all my W's invitations. I don't make an immediate commitment, and tell her I need time to think. This is different for me, in that in the past, I've been the loyal H, who accompanied his W to most events, even if I didn't want to go. I now choose on the basis of how well I think I can maintain a PMA, and if it would have a negative impact on our R.

I've turned her down twice in the past week. I said no to an invitation to attend a dance lesson over the weekend. It was short notice, and I didn't want to miss my yoga class.

I also turned her down for an invitation to her sister's this weekend, for a family dinner. It would be an hour drive in the car to get there. She phrased the invitation as "needing an escort." With that lukewarm of an invitation, I said no.

She keeps making the comment of how she thinks it's important in a R for the couple to have similar temperaments. She used to think that opposites worked well (like us), but now rejects the idea. She makes this comment at least weekly. Her temperament is temperamental, and I'm more moderate.

I need to make a decision soon, regarding whether or not she should accompany me to a neices religious ceremony in Boston, in May. My hunch is that it's not a good idea at this time. I'll try to get her to say no, and have it be her idea. I can't imagine her being invested in being connected with my family at this time. She has maintained a distant R with them over the years, anyway.

CL