. . . in more ways than one. I'm over in piecing. Also have a thread going in SSM. Just a little background. H & I are piecing. Actually doing very well, however, he is still talking to OW/EA daily at least once. Yes, I snooped -- looked @ incoming/outgoing calls on cell. He has a history of EA's. 2 a long time ago while deployed (left feeling neglected, had not bothered to talk to me about it -- after 1st child). Had a PA/one night stand several years ago as well (again, while deployed). He is leaving May 1 for a year deployment. Dropped D bomb back in January. Said if we kept going the way we were, didn't think he could be faithful.
As I said, the last 2 wks or so have been very good. He has definitely started coming around. I felt some pulling back in him this a.m., but I could just be reading into the fact that he isn't feeling well/tired.
Can someone please fill me in, in more detail, about EA's. I know they are sometimes worse than PA's. I guess (and I know I probably will never understand or know) I don't understand/know what she is giving him that I'm not. Or what they talk about that is so important. He does work w/ her, but I don't think they are just talking shop.
I have not asked him about it, nor do I intend to, b/c right now my mission is to make sure we are as healthy as we can be before he leaves / I'm paving the road for, when he is gone and has time to think things over, he looks back and sees how good things really are WITH ME/family (3 little boys).
Anyway, this OW he says is a "friend," although he "started to like her," but never PA. He talked to her about our M, etc. I also know she was/hopefully still is trying to get back w/ her ex so I suppose they talk(ed) about that too. I don't know what her status is w/ ex or anyone else in her life. Can someone give me some insight into this? Thoughts? Advice on how to deal w/ this? Thanks.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
No responses? Could really use some insight here. Thanks.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Hey, cadesmom, My H was (or is still possibly) having an EA. He told me they became friends because he needed someone to talk to, and it went from there. I read letters they wrote back and forth, and it doesn't seem any different from a PA to me, except they haven't had sex (his words). I suppose the very close friendship they develop would make it worse than a PA, because the sex hasn't entered into it, yet. She is planning a future with my H (not if I can help it). I heard (and recorded) messages ow left on his secret cell phone. She is (or was, I hope), trying really hard to win him by flattering him, and getting him involved in her life. And she play the damsel in distress (he is a cop). He has told me he ended it, but the next month, they were back to talking (I checked cell records). Last month it was no calls and the month before it was one call, so I am hoping he is becoming an honorable man again. I don't know if I will ever trust him again, even though I act as if I do. I do that for my piece of mind. One thing I would say is to act as if the ow doesn't exist. Just do what you can to ignore that whoe subject, even though it's hard to do, because you are probably burning up with questions and curiosity. I have not mentioned ow in a long time. she is nothing to me, she is less than nothing, and your H will see that she is nothing but a tarnished w, and you are the golden W. Make these next few weeks as pleasant as you possibly can, and all the things that he may have said you didn't do for him, try to do them. Make him have such a good last impressioon of home life with you and the kids, that it is what he will think of when he is deployed. Try to have some nights alone with him, too. I don't know if any of this helps, but you are welcome to it.
That's exactly what I'm doing. He is probably clueless that I even know he's still talking to her. I am just still so insecure and I hate that I feel that way. I know, but don't know if he has realized it yet, that he has it damn good w/ ME and our boys and our M. Yes, maybe I came up real short in a lot of areas in the past, but I'm willing to change & fix those things. I just hope his time away is a good thing and he has time to figure out he also needs to look pretty hard at himself and finally realizes what an ass he has been to me & I still stuck by hinm. Or, he's going to cheat again and I don't know that I will accept it again.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Some thoughts from the other side. It was an EA that ended my marriage. I confessed it all to W, along with some old history that she knew about but never confronted me with. I shut out OW for maybe 9 months and we went to counseling and everything seemed to be getting back to normal.
In retrospect, "normal" at home was only OK as long as there was no one else interested in me. "Normal" was co-parenting and being polite and cooperating on stuff. But we really weren't all that "together."
Then OW emailed me at work, out of the blue. And I fell right off the wagon, so to speak. Because I was just going through the motions at home. I broke off contact again after only a couple of weeks, but the damage was done. Things between us of course went to he!!, and then eventually I confessed to the more recent contact. And that was the end as far as she was concerned.
Bottom line, W felt she could not trust me. That strained our relationship overall and ended what little physical relationship we had. For my part, I could see that we had problems other than the EA, and the EA was more of a symptom than a cause. At least from my perspective.
I'm not sure in your case whether it is best to pretend OW does not exist. If you are doing all you can to get H's attention and he is still (at least?) calling OW, then what is going to happen if you two have a spat?
Right now he has his cake and is eating it too. It might shake him up to know that you are not going to be his door mat anymore. Tell him you know about OW and it has to stop now or YOU want a divorce.
I don't think I'm to that point yet -- threatening D. Our sitch is a little different in that he's leaving on May 1 for a year deployment. I'm just going w/ the flow right now. Things are looking really good for us right now, and I'm hopeful that he will have lots of time to think about our M and how good things have been lately, etc. and have time to actually miss me and realize that he does still love me, blah, blah, blah. However, it could backfire, but I'm staying positive. I truly believe he's going to think about how much he has to lose.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Neither am I to that point yet, either. I do not know for sure if he is still talking to ow or not. And with you, since he is going overseas next month, I don't think it is the time to threaten D anyway. And if things are starting to look pretty good, why send him away with THAT on his mind? He will be able while he is there to think about your M, and have LOTS of time to gain insight into the decision he has to make. And another thing, to the guys (and girls) over there, family is just about the most important thing there is. So, anyway, when he is there, go and get a glamour shot done, and send it to him, and the other guys will tell him he's a total a** to let you get away.
Certainly if he is deploying in two weeks and not talking about D right now, then there isn't much to lose by just laying low. OW won't be waiting around for him like you will.
You were wondering what makes EA so interesting. OW is doing nothing but validating whatever he thinks, and probably sharing her problems with him. Like a therapist you can flirt with. He should be sharing his problems with you, but what if you are the problem? And it is so easy to be understanding for a few hours a week.
BTW, my EA was with a married woman having trouble in her marriage. Very typical. But once I was available, suddenly she wanted to back off from me and work on her marriage. As a single man I was too much of a threat to her marriage. Its all fantasy.
That's true, they do validate whatever he thinks, and they flatter their egos, and make them seem like they are so perfect. The ow in my case, left messages on his secret cell phone that I was able to from another cell phone figure out his passcode, and listen to and record at least ten messages ow sent to him. They were all either playing on his protective instinct by acting as though people in her neighborhood who were just walking down the street, were up to something and she needed my H to come and check them out, or telling him that she was so proud of how hard he works, and on his off day when he was working at a friends house she would leave him a message about working in the hot sun, and how much she appreciated it, which is weird, because she never saw a dime of his paycheck. I just don't think they think clearly enough to see how ridiculous they are being and how manipulative the ow are. She is D, and my H said her H was cheating on her, and my H said her H wants her back. My H said that I was manipulative, and later he also said even ow was. So, maybe his eyes are beginning to open. The other day I came across my tape player with those messages on it, and I had not listened to any of them since last Sept. and it made me feel sick to my stomach to hear that things voice. I need to put that tape in my safety deposit box I opened to put evidence and extra cash in, should I need it. I am glad Mike can tell us a man's side of this, it does help, don't you think?
I hope you can fill your H's mind and heart with lots of good things to think of while he is gone, and don't forget to send him goody boxes to share with the other guys. And lots of stuff from the kids, and the really sexy photo of you
P.S. Mike, if you can think of anything that we as W's can do to help our H's see us not as the enemy, but as their friend who does care for them, tell us.
My H won't let go of the EA part of what was once a PA either. It's driving us apart because he doesn't think it's "as bad". I told him any emotional relationship with OW that makes him withold info from his wife is destructive to the M.
Like you all said - OW builds up their egos by buying gifts, doing nice things for them, telling them how wonderful they are, how much they are cherished, and I'm sure how ridiculous their wives are for not worshipping the ground they walk on.. Maybe if these OW put this much attention into their own marriages, they wouldn't be having A's or getting D either!
