I wanted to tell you after all the advice and confidence building I gave you. I stumbled with it to. My H came for the night for Easter today. WE had a pleasant conversations mostly business but I listened and we had a bottle of wine. He slept in the same bed a few hugs no Ml. He was real complimentary about the way I looked and everything. We went to church I fixed dinner and then he left an went to her house. Enough of my sitch I just posted a differnet thread for advice. I just had a hard time with it.
I just wanted to tell you so you know even as hard as I was trying I stumbled and felt bad again. I am here for you because right now there is nothing that can ripe your heart right out of your chest like the things they do and say. I guess its wanting to hear or experience that little thing that will show hope and then they ruin it by some action. I even told you not to expect to much and guess what I did. I expected a little after I let my guard down.
I don't know which is worse the real nice approach or the standoffish approach that they do to us. It is very hard to understand but then again should we even try to understand..
It helps me to write to you because it makes me think and come down and think about it and get control.
You get such great advice from everyone. I have learned so much. Sometimes I think we take 3 steps and take one back.
I hope your Easter went OK....I hope you made it through OK!
Really think about the move. I still think make your office somewhere in your house that you will enjoy being there. Change the atomsphere so it makes it easier to concentrate. I like you have to really work on focusing on the business stuff. I had to get better because I had animals that needed water hauled to them evey few days. I had books that I had let go that need to be at the accountants (my H brother who is a partner is the accountant)he did know why all of a sudden I had not gotten things done.
Financially you have to get focused because by not doing what is important we are costing our selves a great deal. Not only Financially but emoitionally too. Its a spiral in a deep black hole and we have to become strong to stop the ourselves from falling further. I want you to grab the hands that are reaching out to you and pull yourself up. I am with you. (Sorry I vented about H) You will become stronger. Just remember I will and Can over come this and will survive and be better. Now by me telling you this I feel better. Hopefully you will too. Hang in there. Thanks for listening. It still amazes me how much everyone situation sounds alike.
IMLIN,
I hope H didn't ruin your sons Baptism? Did he act ok during that? Even after all you have been thru there is always hurdles. You are such a strong person to have made it thru what you have and still are the backbone of your family.
Hang in there my friend becasue we are here for you to.
Have a good night 2940. I hope all have the same feeling that is it nice to be able to visit with you guys...
I am exhausted (once again) and am headed off to bed but know I haven't written for a while and that you all have written such wonderful advice and encouragement to me and just wanted to let you all know that I've read it all and appreciated it all so much and will respond in more detail over the next few days as I have time.
Penny, I had a similar day to yours... More to follow later - need to get some rest if I can.
Hang in there, everyone, and thank you all so much for being there for me....
Why am I getting the feeling that you had a rotten easter because you saw your H and possibly his family and now you are worried about posting because you could well get a blast from the peanut gallery????
Post away my friend - it's all for the getting of wisdom you know.
We can't hurt you, but bottling it up inside you like some grubby secret or shameful outing might well hurt you very much.
Thinking of you.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
We are here for you. Like Virginia said let it out. You can't keep it in especially when you are alone. It makes it way worse. We are here to help and support you. Just think it was another Holiday and I think, I made it and it was pleasant maybe not completely the way I wanted it but it was a start. We can't expect to much. Expectations are the the cause of those melt downs we get alittle and want a lot. Patience is the key. We are here my friend.
same here. talk away, you'll hit the wall of change that much faster. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Can I just tell you how completely amazing you guys are???? Once again, you humble me with your wonderful friendship and support and encouragement of me, a complete stranger... I have no words to describe the comfort and peace I feel knowing you are all there for me - during the good times and the bad (hopefully the good times are still on their way??? LOL )
Seriously, I think I have gotten about 12 hours of COMBINED sleep in the last three nights... I am absolutely exhausted but can't sleep!!!! It takes me forever to fall asleep, and then I wake up a few hours later and can't get back to sleep for hours, if at all... I saw my IC today and told her about it, and she thinks it's probably the meds. I see my doctor on Wednesday and will ask about it. This is getting ridiculous... I feel like a walking zombie...
So, it's late once again, and I FEEL exhausted... We'll see if I can get any better sleep tonight. I PROMISE I'll get you up to speed ASAP! Quick recap: I DID go to Easter with H and his family. Had a nice time. H stayed around our house for about 6 hours after Easter and changed the oil in my car, washed my car, measured it for new windshield wipers... (WTH???) I OF COURSE told him that I could do ALL of those things myself... And he said he WANTED to do it... Okey dokey...
So instead of leaving him at our house and going to the office to work like I should have, I of course decided I needed to "cherish" whatever time he was willing to spend in my vicinity, so I stayed home with him and worked in the yard, which was nice. I love working in the yard and have been so busy that I haven't had much time to do it the last few years. So we chit-chatted outside about mostly business stuff. He did a few other "manly" things around the house and then said he was going to leave to go to the job site. We had a few things to look over together at the job site, so I told him I would be there in a little while.
So, when he was leaving, I gave him a hug (HOT burner... bad!). and thanked him for doing the items around the house. He turned to leave, and I was bad again... I said something like, "Honey, are we going to be okay?" And he turned to me and said without even hesitating "yes." I was shocked and numb at the same time. Of course I asked him "are you sure?" because I forgot my "accept what he says" lesson... And he said "yes" and gave me another hug, this one really tight, and we hugged for a few moments. Then he left. I didn't ask any more questions and just let it go. I know I shouldn't have said anything at all, but I did better than I usually do and did not give him the 30 minute "grilling" at least...
So of course as soon as he left I started thinking to myself, "okay, so what does "we're going to be okay REALLY mean?" And then I drove myself crazy worrying about it. You see, I remembered that when we first talked about all of this in November I asked him something similar about wanting to work through things, and he said something like that we'd figure out a plan. Well, I took that to mean that we were going to work on our M, but when I asked him about it later when we had one of our "discussions," he said he had just meant that we were going to figure out what to do, not necessarily that we were going to work on our M....
So, I thought back to that again and panicked...
So we went to the job site and went over what we needed to go over. Then we both were up at the office working. My parents called to wish us a Happy Easter. I talked to them and then let H. It broke my heart to hear him talk to them, because he just acts like everything is just hunky dory... He called my mom "mama" like he always does and about broke my heart in two...
So, I had to ask him my follow-up question so I didn't drive myself mad worrying about it... So I promised myself I would at least keep it very short and to the point. So I just asked him if what he said earlier meant that he wanted to work on our marriage and stay together or whether he meant that things would work out the way they are supposed to. He said that he wants to work on our M. I asked him if it was going to be soon or if he knew and he said he doesn't know... I thanked him and went up behind him (he was sitting in his chair) and hugged him from behind and told him thank you. He told me thank you and grabbed my arm and said "I'm sorry." I said I was sorry, too. I kept hugging him for a minute or so. He rubbed my hair and rubbed my arm. Then I just went upstairs and got back to work. Then he left about an hour later, no goodbye - off to OW house, just like Penny...
So, that is the quick version of where we're at now. Today we were both at the office for most of the day, and I didn't do very well at giving him space. I didn't ask him any personal questions today, but I talked to him way too much about business stuff.
So, will tell you more later about all of the emotions that I'm feeling... I'm relieved, angry, sad, anxious, TIRED, scared, confused, etc. I'm working hard at keeping this in perspective and remembering what Virginia said - why is it okay if he says we're going to ultimately work on things for him to continue to sleep with OW but if he says we're NOT going to work on things it's no longer okay and I meltdown? Also, he only told me about a month ago now that he did NOT want to work on our M or be married anymore, and he could tell me tomorrow that same thing. And he could come home tomorrow, and he could never come home, and he could come home in a year, etc., etc. So, I'm just trying to take from it a little bit of hope to ease my heartache a little bit to hopefully help me to function a bit better and at the same time realize that I can't feel like anything has changed and need to keep working on what you're telling me to do - detach and GAL - and act like nothing is different. Otherwise, if I just go back to being nicey nicey to him, he has no reason to change anything. I'm also angry that he says he does want to work on the M again but he's not DOING it... As DB says, don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do... So I can't believe what he's telling me, and his actions are that he's still staying with her...
So, the saga continues... Had an interesting meeting with IC today. She asked me to think this week about whether I really WANT to be marrtied to H or whether it's just that I just don't want to fail at marriage and am so driven to not "lose" this fight. I told her that right now those don't really connect for me. I DON'T want to lose my M because of my commitment to H, and at the same time there is not the closeness that I long for that makes me feel like he is my "one and only." I think that's only normal for what we've been through recently and also for the distance that we created between us before this even happened... At any rate, it bothered me a bit both that I felt like she was kind of pushing me to say I don't really want to be with him (she said "he IS a cheater - think about that"). And it also bothered me that both when he came home before our first trip and also when he told me that on Easter, I didn't cry. Now, I've been an absolute wreck, as you know, but why is it that I only cry when I'm not getting what I want??? Am I numb, or am I crying in part because I'm not getting what I want versus crying because of my intense emotions for H? I cried horribly the very first time he came home for one night about a month before our trip, but when he came home for our trip and yesterday, no tears... So I've been thinking about that, my past of hating to fail, my love for H, yet the distance we have between us right now... What does this all mean? I don't know...
Okay... I've gone on WAY too long. Sorry. I really want to post to each of you regarding all of the wonderful advice that you've given me but wanted to at least get you up to date for now. Thank you again for everything. I am truly moved by your compassion and thoughtfulness...
Virginia, I'm SO glad you posted again! I missed you. PLEASE know how much your advice has meant to me and helped me. And, remember, as Lin pointed out to me yet again, until H divorces AND remarries, there is ALWAYS hope!!! "It's never too late for a miracle..." So, maybe it's not too late for you and your ex-H?????
Okay. Really gotta go now.... I'm ready for the punches, so bring 'em on! HOWEVER, maybe you'll soften them a little but seeing as how I at least didn't fire away a MILLION questions at him??? Patience with me, my dear friends... I'm learning, just a bit slowly...
What to you think about H wanting to get a divorce and then stay in the house and rent a room so our adopted daughter won't have to change her way of life? Is it time for him to go? How do I answer I want a divorce? ELL Teacher
ELLteacher...you will get better responses if you create your own post...and please give the details of things because you really haven't told us much in the way of what is going on and why you feel the way you do...
Now on to Tam....okay, some improvement on the questions but I am warning you now...don't take the good result as an okay to continue this...you really really pushed by asking him that in the first place...and then you really really really really pushed it by asking to him to explain it at the job sight...
Good thinking on why you didn't cry...could the tears be a temper tantrum cause your not getting your way???...as a little girl did this work with mom and dad???
You have some good results...some positives....BIG ones...now what are you going to do???...push and question
*****why is it okay if he says we're going to ultimately work on things for him to continue to sleep with OW but if he says we're NOT going to work on things it's no longer okay and I meltdown? Also, he only told me about a month ago now that he did NOT want to work on our M or be married anymore, and he could tell me tomorrow that same thing. And he could come home tomorrow, and he could never come home, and he could come home in a year, etc., etc.*****
or are you going to accept that you crossed a bridge (a shakey one at best) and you are so fortunate that it didn't colapse that you will now find a way around that bridge to get back where you need to be...
Remember this....you and H are not ready to get back together...you and H are not ready to work on the M...you both have issues although he is keeping his quiet from you...but honey you have some major ones that if he did come home right now you would drive him right out the back door and burn every bridge around you...there would be no salvaging...
Also, take a lesson from me....I skipped a few pre-requisits that I had for H coming home....now my D20 says that she feels I let come home too soon and that he is now taking all of that for granted...I am suffering in my own making of things now....again....HE wasn't ready to come home...and now we have to go back and fix this mess....my Elders have already told me that it may not work out like I want....this scares me...to know that I have had him back for a year and maybe.....yes, maybe he could leave us again...and not come back this time...
I don't want you to face this HELL again, Tam...please listen through my own grief right now...put the focus back on you...forget what he said (he could change his tone, like you said)....and just work on getting yourself where you need to be...then...and only then....will you be ready for the next step...skipping steps and getting what you want fast doesn't work...like rising bread...if you put in the oven before the yeast has a chance to work...you end up with a brick!!!...well hit me over the head!!!!
)
And he said he WANTED to do it... Okey dokey...