Can I just tell you how completely amazing you guys are???? Once again, you humble me with your wonderful friendship and support and encouragement of me, a complete stranger... I have no words to describe the comfort and peace I feel knowing you are all there for me - during the good times and the bad (hopefully the good times are still on their way??? LOL )

Seriously, I think I have gotten about 12 hours of COMBINED sleep in the last three nights... I am absolutely exhausted but can't sleep!!!! It takes me forever to fall asleep, and then I wake up a few hours later and can't get back to sleep for hours, if at all... I saw my IC today and told her about it, and she thinks it's probably the meds. I see my doctor on Wednesday and will ask about it. This is getting ridiculous... I feel like a walking zombie...

So, it's late once again, and I FEEL exhausted... We'll see if I can get any better sleep tonight. I PROMISE I'll get you up to speed ASAP! Quick recap: I DID go to Easter with H and his family. Had a nice time. H stayed around our house for about 6 hours after Easter and changed the oil in my car, washed my car, measured it for new windshield wipers... (WTH???) I OF COURSE told him that I could do ALL of those things myself... \:\) And he said he WANTED to do it... Okey dokey...

So instead of leaving him at our house and going to the office to work like I should have, I of course decided I needed to "cherish" whatever time he was willing to spend in my vicinity, so I stayed home with him and worked in the yard, which was nice. I love working in the yard and have been so busy that I haven't had much time to do it the last few years. So we chit-chatted outside about mostly business stuff. He did a few other "manly" things around the house and then said he was going to leave to go to the job site. We had a few things to look over together at the job site, so I told him I would be there in a little while.

So, when he was leaving, I gave him a hug (HOT burner... bad!). and thanked him for doing the items around the house. He turned to leave, and I was bad again... I said something like, "Honey, are we going to be okay?" And he turned to me and said without even hesitating "yes." I was shocked and numb at the same time. Of course I asked him "are you sure?" because I forgot my "accept what he says" lesson... And he said "yes" and gave me another hug, this one really tight, and we hugged for a few moments. Then he left. I didn't ask any more questions and just let it go. I know I shouldn't have said anything at all, but I did better than I usually do and did not give him the 30 minute "grilling" at least...

So of course as soon as he left I started thinking to myself, "okay, so what does "we're going to be okay REALLY mean?" And then I drove myself crazy worrying about it. You see, I remembered that when we first talked about all of this in November I asked him something similar about wanting to work through things, and he said something like that we'd figure out a plan. Well, I took that to mean that we were going to work on our M, but when I asked him about it later when we had one of our "discussions," he said he had just meant that we were going to figure out what to do, not necessarily that we were going to work on our M....

So, I thought back to that again and panicked...

So we went to the job site and went over what we needed to go over. Then we both were up at the office working. My parents called to wish us a Happy Easter. I talked to them and then let H. It broke my heart to hear him talk to them, because he just acts like everything is just hunky dory... He called my mom "mama" like he always does and about broke my heart in two...

So, I had to ask him my follow-up question so I didn't drive myself mad worrying about it... So I promised myself I would at least keep it very short and to the point. So I just asked him if what he said earlier meant that he wanted to work on our marriage and stay together or whether he meant that things would work out the way they are supposed to. He said that he wants to work on our M. I asked him if it was going to be soon or if he knew and he said he doesn't know... I thanked him and went up behind him (he was sitting in his chair) and hugged him from behind and told him thank you. He told me thank you and grabbed my arm and said "I'm sorry." I said I was sorry, too. I kept hugging him for a minute or so. He rubbed my hair and rubbed my arm. Then I just went upstairs and got back to work. Then he left about an hour later, no goodbye - off to OW house, just like Penny...

So, that is the quick version of where we're at now. Today we were both at the office for most of the day, and I didn't do very well at giving him space. I didn't ask him any personal questions today, but I talked to him way too much about business stuff.

So, will tell you more later about all of the emotions that I'm feeling... I'm relieved, angry, sad, anxious, TIRED, scared, confused, etc. I'm working hard at keeping this in perspective and remembering what Virginia said - why is it okay if he says we're going to ultimately work on things for him to continue to sleep with OW but if he says we're NOT going to work on things it's no longer okay and I meltdown? Also, he only told me about a month ago now that he did NOT want to work on our M or be married anymore, and he could tell me tomorrow that same thing. And he could come home tomorrow, and he could never come home, and he could come home in a year, etc., etc. So, I'm just trying to take from it a little bit of hope to ease my heartache a little bit to hopefully help me to function a bit better and at the same time realize that I can't feel like anything has changed and need to keep working on what you're telling me to do - detach and GAL - and act like nothing is different. Otherwise, if I just go back to being nicey nicey to him, he has no reason to change anything. I'm also angry that he says he does want to work on the M again but he's not DOING it... As DB says, don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do... So I can't believe what he's telling me, and his actions are that he's still staying with her...

So, the saga continues... Had an interesting meeting with IC today. She asked me to think this week about whether I really WANT to be marrtied to H or whether it's just that I just don't want to fail at marriage and am so driven to not "lose" this fight. I told her that right now those don't really connect for me. I DON'T want to lose my M because of my commitment to H, and at the same time there is not the closeness that I long for that makes me feel like he is my "one and only." I think that's only normal for what we've been through recently and also for the distance that we created between us before this even happened... At any rate, it bothered me a bit both that I felt like she was kind of pushing me to say I don't really want to be with him (she said "he IS a cheater - think about that"). And it also bothered me that both when he came home before our first trip and also when he told me that on Easter, I didn't cry. Now, I've been an absolute wreck, as you know, but why is it that I only cry when I'm not getting what I want??? Am I numb, or am I crying in part because I'm not getting what I want versus crying because of my intense emotions for H? I cried horribly the very first time he came home for one night about a month before our trip, but when he came home for our trip and yesterday, no tears... So I've been thinking about that, my past of hating to fail, my love for H, yet the distance we have between us right now... What does this all mean? I don't know...

Okay... I've gone on WAY too long. Sorry. I really want to post to each of you regarding all of the wonderful advice that you've given me but wanted to at least get you up to date for now. Thank you again for everything. I am truly moved by your compassion and thoughtfulness...

Virginia, I'm SO glad you posted again! I missed you. PLEASE know how much your advice has meant to me and helped me. And, remember, as Lin pointed out to me yet again, until H divorces AND remarries, there is ALWAYS hope!!! "It's never too late for a miracle..." So, maybe it's not too late for you and your ex-H?????

Okay. Really gotta go now.... I'm ready for the punches, so bring 'em on! HOWEVER, maybe you'll soften them a little but seeing as how I at least didn't fire away a MILLION questions at him??? Patience with me, my dear friends... I'm learning, just a bit slowly...