W at Home, Yet Sleeps Elsewhere

[Concerned_Listener]

Matilda,
I don't mind talking about sexual issues with you. It's relevant to my situation.

We tried joint counseling twice prior to the separation. It didn't help at the time. My avoidance patterns were too entrenched. Maybe it was my way of exiting the M at the time. Maybe I was being passive-aggressive. Maybe I allowed fear to control me. Maybe I couldn't relax enough to work-thru the process. It was probably a combination of all the above.

I managed to break the avoidance pattern the third time with a therapist. Unfortunately, she was finding her own exits.

I don't have any performance anxiety regarding sex at this time. I don't feel rejected that she wants a higher quality sex-life. I'm frustrated that we're not working on making it better.
I bought the videos, and was ready to go.

I'm not going to pursue sex with her while she sleeps elsewhere. If she extends an invitation, I will consider it. I will also likely not return to sharing the same bedroom while she continues her GW/sleeping elsewhere behavior.

I think the sexual issue only partially contributes to her GW/sleeping elsewhere behavior. I think this is a MLC vs. a WAS situation. A WAS has legitimate reasons for leaving, and needs to provide a wake-up call to the LBS. That is not the case here.

CL

[Matilda2]

Sounds like you are going in the right direction, CL ( from "pain to power" ). What did you decide about the Sunday family outing? (Is that this week or next?)

[Yoyowife]

CL,
It sounds like you are doing the right thing. This DB is hard, but detaching seems to be working better for me now. I'll be honest with you since my H has moved out in Oct. it seemed like I would try my best to find petty reasons to call him. It's getting easier to detach from him. I think I may be finally getting it. I was going down a lot of cheeseless tunnels. I did have one slip up this week I invited him to eat with our 2 daughters and me if he didn't have any plans for Easter. He said okay, but I wish now I would have been stronger and not invited him. I think he needs to see what it is like without having me make sure he gets to spend time with the girls. I do not plan on calling him and reminding him. He will have to put out some effort. I have not heard from him since Thurs. My daughters and I will get up and go to Easter services and then come home and have a nice afternoon.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter!

[BeingMe]

Hi CL ... just caught up with your sitch!

I am curious as to what your W thinks is higher quality sex. My H and I have our own issues here, and it's not that I want higher quality, but more intimacy and romance (not every time, but sometimes), whereas, my H is more the 'do the act' and go to sleep kinda guy. Yes, I have spoken to him about it, and when I bring it up, he just withdraws and we have no sex for months. I do try and approach him as gently as possible, etc. I am getting rather irritated with his lack of response to my needs.

Anyway, I admire your trying to meet her needs - getting the video, reading, taking dance lessons, and so on. I wish my H was as proactive as you are.

Just a thought, but have you tried approaching your W in a social setting, just to say 'hullo, and hope you have a fun time', then retreating to your side of the room and socializing with your acquaintances. I just feel your W is being rude in not acknowledging your presence, and maybe you should take the first step. I would feel very insulted if my H did this to me. I would feel insulted if just a friend did this to me.

Keep up the good work.

[Concerned_Listener]

Matilda,
The family outing was cancelled. I most likely would have attended this one. It's usually just a two hour visit.

The one thing I'm doing differently ("Do Something Different" in DR), is not immediately accepting invitations. This buys me some time to think about if I can be confident and attentive during the outing. My history is to accept most invitations, out of loyalty.

I declined an invitation to attend a dance lesson over the weekend. It was short notice, and I didn't want to miss my yoga class. She also has complained about the teacher and studio. I told her there was too much negativity surrounding her relationship with the studio. I'm not usually so open about such things. She understood and apologized. It felt good holding her accountable for her behavior.

CL

[Alaska]

Alaska,
It sounds like you have a "zero tolerance" policy when it comes to a spouse having an affair. It sounds like your initial approach is an ultimatum. There is no taking a stand for you.

I think there is a place for ultimatums. I don't think this behavior should be tolerated indefinitely. I have to pursue a D, when I've lost hope that the situation can improve. I'm not there yet.

You're focusing solely on her sleeping elsewhere behavior. I'm looking at it from a larger perspective. I understand in a general sense what she's been going thru: her depression, her MLC, her childhood issues, her personality, her stressors, her maladaptive patterns, her trying to find happiness. It doesn't mean that I approve of the behavior; I just don't focus exclusively on it.

Am I a good person? Yes. Have I tried my best? Not yet. It's a work in progress, and I'm getting better at increasing my personal power. I will reevaluate the situation in one year. Do I feel I deserve better? I know that there are no perfect marriages or perfect people. This isn't completely about me.

Thanks for your viewpoint, but I'm going to stay the course.

CL

I do pretty much have a zero tolerance for some things. If my wife didn't come home ONE night....she'd have explaining to do..........if it was several nights in a row, the locks would be changed, and then she'd have to PHONE me to explain.

As far as my INITIAL approach?? You are FAR from an ititial approach.this has gone on a long time. Have you ever asked her why she doesn't come home and where she sleeps?? If not, why not??

And as far as my viewpoint - you know YOU!! You know what is right for your sitch. I'm just scratching my head as to why you haven't asked her for an explanation??


And if she admitted an affair, what would you do then??

[Alaska]

Alaska,
It sounds like you have a "zero tolerance" policy when it comes to a spouse having an affair. It sounds like your initial approach is an ultimatum. There is no taking a stand for you.

I just had to respond to this. "There is no taking a stand for you?" Does that mean standing for my marriage?? Read my posts front to back, you'll see the stand I took. BIG one. NOW, I STAND for ME, and my children, above EVERYONE else in this world.

My breakup never involved infidelity on either part.

But if my wife wasn't sleeping at home, I WOULD want to know why. If your wife can't afford the $1620/month for a Motel, doesn't it tweak your curiosity as to where she is?? If you found out she is spending 90% of her nights with another man, what would your approach be then??

[Alaska]

[quote] A WAS has legitimate reasons for leaving, and needs to provide a wake-up call to the LBS. [quote]

You are partially correct, in my view. The WAS THINKS they have legitimate reasons............time will tell whether what they lost was what they gained.

I'm beginning to think my WAW is not really liking her future prospects...........but what do I know:) And why would I care??
LOL

[Concerned_Listener]

BeingMe,
I think my W wants more foreplay.

In the dance community, my W tries to downplay her involvement with me. She says that people won't dance with her if they know she's married or in a committed R.

Her behavior at a dance venue, reminds me of the status of our R--chilly. It's just the way it is. I have to keep my expectations low.

CL

[Concerned_Listener]

Alaska,
I confronted her about it back in December. She got defensive. She told people that I was trying to impose a curfew on her. She denied an A.

If she admitted an A to me, I'd think this was progress. The secrecy would be over. There would be honesty in the R. What would be important to look for would be remorse, and a commitment to the M. I don't know what I'd do at the point of discovery.

CL