Looking Up

[Heywyre]

Working on my bod has always been a priority (I actually used to be a fitness instructor and have my credentials too) - until I had the car accident 3 years ago. Now I find it very difficult because it causes major migraines (something I deal with everyday - not exactly a turn on is it?) H says he doesn't know how I cope and stay so happy (if he only knew what was going on inside sometimes)

But I have found (yet another) physician that says they can at least relieve them (but without drugs, which I am alergic to just about everything I have ever tried) - which I would sell my right arm for

He says it will take at least a year before they will go away totally but he can at least relieve them in the meantime

He's a chiropractor (which I have gone to in the past and I am not crazy about) but he specializes in the upper neck and that is where my problem lies so I am keeping my fingers crossed

So that would definitely be a plus in my favour. As much as I try to be pleasant and not take my pain out on others around me, I can't say it's been a joy ride for H either seeing me like this.

As for the new doo - just got one and usually do that once a month - I like my hair short (and so does H) but I did go looking around at the mall last night for some new threads (gawd I hate shopping) so hopefully that will be resolved soon too

[Heywyre]

COG

...and just as an after post regarding your comment regarding my fitness level - H never bothered with me regardless of whether I was buff or not so how can I lure him now?

[runningoutoftime]

Hot clothes, cleavage and a confident, sexy attitude.
Tell him he drives you crazy (and more!).

[Heywyre]

Still feeling down - had some more bad dreams - but not about to let H know I am feeling that way. However, I do think it is time to have a R talk (we haven't had one of those for ages and its starting to wear on me)

But I think I will leave it for a while. He's supposed to go out with the boys this evening but, for some strange reason, he is saying he doesn't want to leave me alone - hmmmm wonder what that is all about (a little insecure that I might be doing something he already did?) Not jumping to conclusions but I have been encouraging him all day to go, have fun, I will be fine. He still seems reluctant. He even called his other friend up and asked him over for supper - just to get out of the "fight night" but he doesn't know if he will be able to make it so it should be interesting

Regardless of what he does, I am going out - somewhere, anywhere, even if only for a couple of hours - it never hurts to have them "wonder"

[Heywyre]

Journalling

Well, H has gone to his "fight night"

I don't know if I did the right thing or not, but I am sure there will be some of you out there (particularly COG) that will set me straight if I didn't

He was working on his truck for about 3 hours this afternoon and said that maybe his friend would come over for supper but he called and cancelled so then he had to make up his mind what to do. I told him to go ahead and have fun. He said he didn't want to go because we were going through "a bad spell" right now and he felt bad leaving me alone. I said I appreciated it but I was a big girl and I would be fine, I had a lot of things to do and might even go for a drive. That is when the antenna went up "what, a drive by yourself?" - ya, you got a problem with that (but I didn't say it). However, he thinks nothing of it when he goes for one (to clear his mind - he says - which was more like going to see the OW a lot of the time in the past).

I know he is feeling a lot better about our situation (but I'm not - I am really down about it for whatever reason). Moving here was probably the best thing we could have done because it got him away from the OW (2½-3 hour drive each way to see her. However for about 4 months after we moved here he was going to see her every Monday (his day off) that I didn't know about - the SOB!!!) but amazingly enough he refered to her today as being "evil" and that "it just isn't the same world I live in" so that really surprised me. Maybe there is hope after all eh?

Anyway, it seemed like he didn't want to go to his "fight night" with the boys so I said, well you have to make a decision (because his friend was going to pick him up) He kept insisting that he felt guilty about leaving me and perhaps he should just stay home, we could have a drink and just spend the night together (which is something I would have LOVED to do) but I kept encouraging him to go, saying "it will do you good to have some time out with the guys" - something he has NEVER been one for doing. He's just not a partying, drinking kind of guy.

I have managed to stay clear of saying anything about finding the OW's webpage (she's an escort) so he still thinks he was a benefit to her (maybe I will let him know in time what she advertises on there but for now I think things are still way too raw)

However, I do think I need to dump so I will be visiting the boards and perhaps a one-on-one with the psychologist to allow me to air my thoughts about this whole thing.

[COG]

Heywyre,

I know he is feeling a lot better about our situation (but I'm not - I am really down about it for whatever reason).

Well you have'nt been laid in how many years now? That's cause to be down a little. It's OK honey! There's always tomorrow.

I said I appreciated it but I was a big girl and I would be fine, I had a lot of things to do and might even go for a drive. That is when the antenna went up "what, a drive by yourself?"

Oh there's a little intrigue. That's a good thing. You got him wondering.

Just a moment about the OW. Your H is 60 something wright and the OW in her 20's. Now think logically here for a moment. Do ya really think that's a happening thing. Yes he might be enamored with her, but you don't have to worry about her. He knows where he belongs. Now you might make some ground if you can knock that boulder sized chip off your shoulder.

Anyway, it seemed like he didn't want to go to his "fight night" with the boys so I said, well you have to make a decision (because his friend was going to pick him up)

Now here's a SMALL thing. Why did you feel it necessary to say"well you have to make a decision". Are you his mommy? He might want you to be, but try to stay out of that trap. Let him live his life and don't take on the duty of savior. Like I said, it's a small thing.

He kept insisting that he felt guilty about leaving me and perhaps he should just stay home, we could have a drink and just spend the night together (which is something I would have LOVED to do) but I kept encouraging him to go, saying "it will do you good to have some time out with the guys"

How about a response like this next time. "Well, I think it would be great for you to stay home, but only if you promise to screw my brains out, otherwise, I'm going for a drive to clear my head and I'll see you after the fight."

I have managed to stay clear of saying anything about finding the OW's webpage

That's good, and let's try to keep it that way, AND, don't snoop anymore.

However, I do think I need to dump so I will be visiting the boards and perhaps a one-on-one with the psychologist to allow me to air my thoughts about this whole thing.

Follow your intuition on that, don't leave it bottled up inside. You might explode like me!

Hang in there!

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Thanks COG - as usual

It would be 1½ years since the last time and one other time in the previous 2½ years - so, yippee, twice in 4 years

Ya me saying I'm going for a drive really got to him - I will have to use that one a little more (especially if he's staying home and I say I want to go by myself (I can guarantee he won't want me to go, will say he's worried about me blah blah blah) but I will have to say he came home and he had an incredible R talk (all initiated by him)

You're right - I shouldn't have said anything about "making a decision" but it was already out of my mouth (have to control that damn thing next time)

Yes, H is 62 (63 in a couple of months) and she just turned 26 and no, there is no hope of them ever being together, I know that. First of all she has 3 fairly young kids (that would drive him insane) and secondly, she's an escort that lives 2½ hours from here. He hates where she lives (where we used to live) and never wants to go back there (other than the 4 months or more he travelled back and forth every week to see her without me knowing (agggrrrrr)

I know you said "don't snoop" but that is a tough one for me. I have been REALLY good about not checking the cell and visa bill but I have done a little more snooping about the OW - and as much as he thinks he was her saviour and helped her see her evil ways (ya right) the actual day he called to tell her it was over, she revamped her website to point specifically towards "distinguished gentlemen" so, ya, he really did her good. Basically what he did was convince her how flippin' gullible 60 year old men are - sheesh

But I am feeling way better today. We had a great weekend, spent time with friends and family and he even bought me an Easter basket - how cute eh?

I will keep your suggestion in mind COG about telling him he can stay home only if he intends to "screw my brains out" - I guess we can always dream huh?

Sounds like you will be getting it a heck of a lot sooner than me - however, this morning I did notice a little bit of perkiness in the little head and he made the comment that he's been getting more aroused lately (hmmm nice to hear - however, it might deflate the little guy when I tell him there will be no action until he gets a check up from the doc). I don't care how careful she was and how covered he was, there is no way anything is coming near me without a clean bill of health

That should be an interesting conversation in itself (well, not like I haven't had one before with him)

[Heywyre]

Ok - here's a question for all you guys out there (women too if you have inside information - lol)

Why doesn't my H like to kiss. And, when I say kiss, I mean the good stuff, not the little peck on the lips stuff. Bad enough I haven't ML in donkey's ages, but a little heated kiss once in a while - sheesh

Now here is my take on it - and maybe I am reading too much into this but, here goes ....

H and his two A's were both with escorts. Now, I know "they" say escorts don't kiss but I know for a fact that one of the "specialties" of the last one he was with (and she advertises it on her website) is DFK (deep french kissing) but its not like I can tell him I found that out

Do you think it's an appropriate question to ask about the A? What they did (within reason that is)

[COG]

Heywyre,

Ya me saying I'm going for a drive really got to him

Well if that got to him, what would happen if you said you wanted to get away for a weekend, just YOU wanting a little space. He'd probably tear your clothes off when you got home!

other than the 4 months or more he travelled back and forth every week to see her without me knowing (agggrrrrr)

Oh will you PLEASE get over it! I know it hurt, I know it pissed you off, but it's water under the bridge. You've got to drop that burden, for YOUR own sake and sanity.

I know you said "don't snoop" but that is a tough one for me.

Well ya gotta toughen up because snooping is not good for YOU! The most experienced people on this board will tell you it's a dead end street. Obviously if you suspect he's cheating again, and it's fairly obvious that's different. But searching for evidence is not a healthy thing to do.

Basically what he did was convince her how flippin' gullible 60 year old men are - sheesh

Hee Hee, you are right on the money with that one. But please try to forgive him for being so stupid. Trust that HE feels much stupider that you'll ever make him feel. I'll bet it would make him feel pretty good to know that you've forgiven him, and that you understand him.

Sounds like you will be getting it a heck of a lot sooner than me

Oh I would'nt bet on it. My W is a friggin ROCK. I asked her last night if she thought her lack of desire might be chemical. She responded a very confident no. So I chuckled and finished her statement with "it's just a lack of desire for COG". She chuckled back and said, "well it sounds pretty bad when you say it that way". And I said "well that's a bummer because I don't lack desire, and some lucky woman is going to end up real happy some day". Then there was silence, and then came sleep.

however, it might deflate the little guy when I tell him there will be no action until he gets a check up from the doc).

Oh don't worry they deflate and inflate and deflate and inflate. Making him wait might even create a little more desire. Just one other thing. When you face him with the news that you want him to get checked out, please do it in a way like his best friend would do it, instead of like his MOTHER!

Why doesn't my H like to kiss.

I think you ought to ask HIM. My gut feeling is that his desire for you is low, so everything is low. As his desire grows, then his desire to kiss will grow, it'll coincide with the rising of his penis.

I know "they" say escorts don't kiss but I know for a fact that one of the "specialties" of the last one he was with (and she advertises it on her website) is DFK (deep french kissing) but its not like I can tell him I found that out

You're obsessing again, STOP!

Do you think it's an appropriate question to ask about the A? What they did (within reason that is)

NO! STOP! DON'T JUMP! Just forgive and forget, let it GO! Don't ask. Based on other people I've read from here, you'll probably not want to know the answer. Just move on with your life. Concentrate on healing, letting go, forgiving, and starting new. Find a good book on healing after infedility, there are tons of them out there.

You're doing great, stay strong!

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Ok, got my 2x4 courage again. Sheesh I don't know why I can't just move forward. I sure am trying and, have to admit, I am getting better at it than before

You are right, I am sure he feels pretty stupid (even if he doesn't admit it). All his defending her probably translates into "how can I make myself feel better for being so sucked in"

I know he is still living in the fantasy of that world and I just have to believe that the real world, here with me, will get stronger each day. He really does seem to be trying more these days and for the first time this weekend, I think he truly understands the pain he has caused.

You are right COG, I need to forgive (not necessarily forget though - that would just allow the disease to re-enter)

I thought I had forgiven him but it is obvious it was under my rules, and that won't work. If I am going to forgive him, it has to be with my whole heart and without any conditions and strings attached.

As for going away for a whole weekend by myself ... that won't happen. Too many personal issues right now but perhaps down the road. As a matter of fact, for an April Fools Day joke he went out in the morning for coffee with his friend. When he came home I said that my gf had called and we decided that after the semester was finished I was going to go with her to Florida for a couple of weeks. You should have seen his face!! The look of disappointment that he would be home alone was priceless. Then he tried to not act like a spoiled child and said "maybe it will do me good to miss you for a while. - hmmmm interesting

So, I know the feelings are there, it will just take some time for them to resurface (hope its before I turn 90)